evolving

Another holiday looming.

..without her.

DSC_0072

But its the first year .. so I know people will care. I know they will notice me and try to be extra gentle.. I am thankful for that.. but so fearful for years to come.

I think the horrifying truth is hitting me..

Its never going to get better. Never going to get easier. I will just adjust to it. I look at pictures of her in the time when knew she had cancer. How well she just automatically compensated for her weakness on her right side. 

I guess I will eventually just do that.be able to function and get through a day without a onslaught of tears. I will be able to learn to live with a huge piece of what make me who I am missing..

but I will forever be compensating.

I am starting to feel such a pull inward again.. Getting back to a place that I hate leaving my house. I don’t feel comfortable around most people..

and my tears that used to elude me when other were around are starting to appear constantly. ..

my grief is evolving .. but not improving.

During our bedtime routine.. the one where baby Charlotte says goodnight to the only big sister she will ever really know.. the 2 dimensional one.. I talked about how this was our first 4th of July without her.. first of many.. many more to come. And just that thought is such a shock to my system its hard to handle.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAJennifer was our first.. She gave me the greatest gift… motherhood.

So much of what we did and how we did it revolved around her. She loved the 4th. and all the festivities that go with it. I wasn’t at all  sure until I was opening my computer to do this blog  if we would do our usual 4th plans. But then I saw one of the things I have come to believe is a sign from her while texting Tony (who went to bed so I could write) about it.  So I told him we will go..

To my brothers for our usual.. parade then hot dog eating contest and water slides. ..just packing a bag for only 3 kids took me down. Had me so broken that the only emotion that came out was anger. ..

Packing their swimsuits without telling them any plans because I am never sure I can make it makes me mad. Because I just want to tell Tony to get us all in the car and drive.. drive us away from all this heartache and misery..

but he can’t. We are that heartache and misery.. And we will be every damned year .

I was mad because they don’t even like the water… or even the parade really.. not the boys kinda thing.

But it was hers.

So even though we always considered not going.. not waking up early to drive to San Jose.. we always did for her.

I miss her so much. words always fail me when I try to explain how devastating losing my daughter has been… how devastating it is actually ..

all I know is it is so much worse than I ever imagined it would be.

DSC_0047… until there is a cure..

25 Responses to “evolving”

  1. I will be thinking of all 6 of you today and hoping you can find some sign from JLK. I promise to be extra gentle this first July 4th without her and for all the others that are to come. I promise to continue to work hard to spread the word and unravel pediatric cancer. xxoo

  2. No one ever imagines the worst. And when we do, we are, of course, fooling ourselves into believing it is just our imagination…this could never really be. And now that it is real, you must be terrified to imagine…well, just imagine how things will happen…and then something unimaginable happens and you feel cheated and angry. I did, I do, and I always will. I pray and think of your struggle and it makes mine seem trivial. You are awesome! You are doing more than the best you can do under the circumstances. Jennifer lit up your life and the fire has burned out. With time, your suffering will be eased, but not your pain. Hold on, Libby, you are loved…your family is loved and prayed for…you and Jennifer are forever in our lives. I pray for some enjoyment on our Independence
    Day. Hugs…

  3. I am still here, reading, praying, thinking if you all always. I hope you see and feel a sign from Jennifer today. I hope there’s more to come. I kovr you all Libby. And I will never forget your beautiful Jennifer. My love to every single one of you. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  4. It feels like you have been kicked in the gut so hard you lose your balance and your breath and you don’t know how you will ever get up again but you have to for the other babies in your life so you make it to your hands and knees and crawl because they are depending on you but you only want to lie down and curl up in a ball. I hear you. And I am praying for strength for you. You are being prayed for.

  5. So sorry. It just sucks…I don’t ever know what else to say. I hope you have a good time today and are able to feel her around you.

  6. Holidays are so hard. And you’re right, it will get easier to get through the day to day stuff, but the pain will be the same. It doesn’t ease, ever, but it does evolve to a place that’s easier to deal with. I will always be in pain, I will always be angry, because it’s not fair and there doesn’t seem to be any reason in it. Allow yourself the bad days, and allow yourself the good days too. There are times when you don’t want to leave the house, when it’s all just too much for you. Allow yourself that. I still have those days, when I don’t want to share the pain with anyone else. And that’s ok. Whatever you need to do is ok.

  7. Hugs to you Libby.

    Your empty heart is fathomable. I can only let my mind go there for a moment…there aren’t words to describe how bad it scares me. Yet you walk with it daily.

    I pray that you are able to find peace and grace in your journey. You and JLK are in my thoughts daily.

  8. It is so hard to find the right words to write. I can try to write something with hopes that I can give you a little comfort but I know its a hard thing to be going through because only you and Tony really know what that feeling is like. I am so sorry that each day seems like it gets worse instead of better. Yes the first year is the hardest. I feel that in time that things will get better for you. Things will never be the same since you lost “glitter girl” but it will get easier. Hang in there and grieve how ever you want its your right. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers

  9. I am thinking of all 6 of you today and always. Happy 4th to you all and Happy 4th of July to you sweet Angel Jennifer you will never be forgotten and always in my heart. Prayers for a happy day for all of you.

  10. My heart aches for you every time I read your blog. I do not know your pain. I only know the pain of infertility. Longing for that child for so long an finally the happiness of your greatest prayer answered. I cannot imagine losing that. You are always in my prayers.

  11. I pray every day for God to hold hold your hand and help you find the way through this. I know there are no words I can say to ease the pain you have, nothing that I can do to make it better. Know that all of us that have come to know you and your family through your writing truly have come to love and care about how your all doing.

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