Today I feel like I am grieving me. The old me. My old life. The woman, friend, wife and mother I used to be..
I went to a beautiful little girls funeral today. I sat and listened to how brave and strong she was.. and I wanted to just be grieving for her. I didn’t want to be able to understand the depths of pain. I miss not being able to imagine what its like to lose your child.
I realized today though that this is part of my new life.. part of the new me. Children’s funerals.
I picked up the kids and wanted to try to make the best of our day. To find a new groove of this new mom I have become. I tried hard. To put some “emotional money in the bank”. We did a craft together and played ball then I put on a show for them while I did “work” aka answering emails. Then cooked dinner together.
-Today was these pictures.. she was so present in my mind… just sitting in the background of my senses. Like her glitter picture was in these shots.-
I used to love cooking for my family. All aspects of it really.. even the shopping and I hate it all now.
We made a freezer meal. When JLK first got diagnosed. (I just realized I rarely use the term “sick” since I dont feel like she was ever sick.. just diagnosed.. treatment then dying….So back around that time some friends got together and bought us a bunch of prepped ready to be cooked, frozen gluten free meals. I used one of those tonight and I thought how we still haven’t even hit 9 months since diagnosis.. that she should still be here, that I should have gone through all those meals long ago. But I haven’t. I have held onto them.
Cooking them without her is just a reminder she isn’t here.. but cooking non gluten free meals feels like a betrayal. I did the best I could with Jonathan though and we had a good time cooking and talking about it.. simmering versus boiling.. saute and garlic. We even took a selfie to remind myself I have control over the way I react to things. I am actually really proud of how I parented today. Outwardly I really am a better mom now that I ever was.. but inside I feel void of all the emotion that used to guide me.
Overall a lot of really good times for all of us…
But my Jonathan is struggling so hard right now. I don’t know if its because we were gone.. or really what it is.. But he is just really having a hard time. Another child I cannot figure out a way to help. ..
I hate watching him like this. His outbursts are so hard on all of us. He gets upset and screams or cries or feigns hitting me.. Then feels badly about it. We are looking into a grief counselor for him. We have tried a few art therapists but they haven’t really stuck.. And I need to be really sure its the right fit for him before bringing somebody else in. . I don’t want him trying to connect over and over again only to have them not keep coming.
I just want to be back to worrying about more normal things with my kids.. not what I am thinking about. .. like if I should prepare them that I cleaned off the mantle .. finally cleared of all the sympathy cards .. enough to fill 2 shoesboxs.. And now on that empty mantle I can see I have her handprint with ours in clay from when Jonathan was in my tummy.. and hers with baby Charlottes from our time in Palo Alto..but nothing with her and her brothers… So now what? Let it go or try to figure out how to make one with her hand and the boys. I feel like every choice I make now can have major consequences given all of our mental states.
I don’t think I feel like writing. I have been staring at this screen for a few minutes.. looking at the blinking cursor.. thoughts jumbled floating through my head but unable to be articulated.
Exhausted but unable to sleep.. the new nighttime me..
I am going to watch her video now. .. Hope it brings her memory close enough for her to join me in my dreams.
… and then it flips. I was looking through pictures to find the ones I wanted for this post… Thinking I would just grab them and put them in and move away from this posting..
But then I came across ones for our… “s’mores”. The only correct ingredient I had was marshmallows.. old stuck together ones. We added in some ritz like crackers and some chocolate syrup … Surprisingly not too shabby.
She loved s’nores as she called them.. a fun dessert that she could have and make right alongside everybody else. .
Looking at the pictures of our treat made me realize that sometimes you can make something that really works well without all the ingredients you are supposed to have.
Life will never be the same.. never taste right again without her…
but maybe if we just keep putting one foot..
somedays just one toe
..in front of the other we can make something taste good again..