I remember

Tony has our biggest and littlest living kids out running an errand and our new middle child is napping. I have business cards from DC set out to organize and start making contact.. I have a to-do list for Unravel laid out in front of me.. but I can’t motivate.

Because I just need to cry..to write.. to miss her.

We walked to the farmers market just a bit ago.. its right near where her preschool was.. I never walked there. She would have loved it.. but I thought it was too far.

…constant regrets.. constant second guessing.

For the first time since she died I mistook one of my living kids for her.. I was busy doing something and caught a glimpse of Jonathan out of the corner of my eye.. just a flash of his leg and the back of my brain registered “Jennifer”.. before the thought was even complete I realized what was happening..

Days like today I wish I didn’t have other kids.. I wish I didn’t have a reason to go on.. I wish I could just give up.

I can’t.

I won’t.

They are more than enough reason .. but today I wish I didn’t have too.

Oh my Jennifer. My sweet baby girl. I miss you. I just want to touch you again. .

This is so hard. So much harder than I ever could have imagined it would be. How do people do it? How do people possibly get through this? Day after day.. year after year…

The stamina necessary just to function daily is incredible.

I made our Jennifer in July album.. Jonathan and I will make a slideshow too.. we are already talking about the song options. ..

I just want to hold her again.. grab her little head and …

i remember oh my god i remember …

in her room looking at the cover of her book. . i remember.

oh my god.. the flood of the memory.. my head is tingling .. i cannot breath..

the enormity of it..

i remember.

oh god.. i feel like i am going to pass out..

oh jennifer i remember.. baby i remember

the shape of your head.. oh honey..

i remember.

… it was extra rounded at the bottom.. so much of my hand could fit there at the nape of your neck..                                                 i remember hugging you how often my hand naturally settled there… the way the tendons stuck out..

i remember.

i looked at your picture with your face painted looking up at me and i wanted to grab you so badly ..

i remember.. oh god.. maybe i’m not ready for this..

oh buggers thank-you…

i miss you

but

i remember

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44 Responses to “I remember”

  1. you make us remember…. you introduce your JLK to us
    Your beauty, your glittery girly girl…Your JLK
    We remember, we wont forget Your JLK

  2. I’m so sorry, Libby. Thinking of you and wishing this wasn’t your reality, but so grateful your memory holds on to the most important moments.

  3. Praying for you daily Libby!! Sending hugs and good thoughts each day in my prayers… I read your post’s and I save everyone. I am so thankful for you, Tony the kids and your extended family.. You are all such wonderful and special people!! As much as you feel blessed to have had Jennifer we feel blessed she had you!! Hugs!!!

  4. My heart breaks for you every time I read one of your posts. I had two older brothers. I say “had” because one died before I was born. The minute I had my own child it hit me what my mother must have gone through when she lost my brother. I asked her how she could have gone on, and she said it was because she had to. She had to take care of my other brother.
    I read what you wrote and I understood how you wanted to give up and you can’t. Sometimes it would just be easier, but you have other children that need you.
    I want to tell you that I’m glad you’re here. Your children certainly are. You are an amazing mother and I’m sending love your way.

  5. We will always remember too … Through you Libby it’s as if she we knew Jennifer… Thank you .. Thank you for allowing us into your family and thank you for allowing us to love you all so so much xx

  6. What a wonderful, bittersweet moment….to remember. May the memories of her and how she felt in your arms continue to come. As always, sending you strength and love to you all.

  7. I’m sure the being able to remember the feel of her and the weight of her is bittersweet. You’ve been wanting it, but it can’t be easy. We continue to keep all 6 of you in our prayers. You all are why we’re in this.

  8. All I can say is I am so so sorry you have to go through this. You have three other children that need you and love you . I know you are doing great doing things for them and with them. Its still to early Libby for the pain to be just a little less. The day will come when it still hurts but you will be able to handle the pain just a little more. You are in my prayers. I want to do my share to help anyway I can to help get a cure or at least medicines to save other children from this monster. You are on your way to do that and fighting for more for pediatric cancer. Jennifer will always be remember. Never ever forgotten!!

  9. I am just so sad for you! I don’t know you, probably never will… I know you don’t think you are strong because others don’t see your grief, but I think by creating “unravel” so soon after her loss shows how strong you are. You aren’t giving up, you are still fighting in her name, while doing all the other things us moms do, the day to day stuff, that we do, you are doing while carrying this elephant on your back. God Bless you Libby!

  10. Oh Libby what a moment to remember. My heart breaks and rejoices at once. My two sound so much like JLK and Jonathan and I sometimes hourly watch or listen to them and think of you. Praying without ceasing.

  11. Days like this and remembering jennifer neck and how she felt in your arms is a beautiful blessing. I hope you get to experience more days like this, it’s jennifers way of helping you REMEMBER. Jennifer will never be forgotten and alreadys in my heart. Big hugs for you..

  12. People do it by doing it. Because there is no other choice. It is so hard, Libby. So very, very hard. It is exhausting and yes, it does take tremendous stamina to get through the day. Someone recently said to me, ” I don’t know how you do it. How do you get up in the morning and go through your day?” My response was “I don’t know either. I have no idea how I get up every day” What I do know is that somehow I do. And somehow you do. And somehow our kids still get fed and clothed and LOVED. And there must be some unseen force that keeps us doing this every day, despite the worst thing happening. I think it is them, Libby, our lost children. I think it is them.

  13. I don’t comment a lot, but I want you to know that I pray for your family often and will never forget JLK. I wish I could do something to alleviate your family’s pain. I don’t think there is much word wise that anyone could say. Other than your darling Jennifer has inspired and brought so many people together in prayer, spreading the glitter…so much for a young girl to accomplish. <3

  14. We just do. We go on. There will come a time when its not so raw. I didn’t think I’d get through it either but one day I noticed that it didn’t hurt so bad, I didn’t feel guilty for having a happy moment. Like losing a limb, you learn to compensate. Just keep breathing

  15. I wanted to share this with you. There is an “ice challenge” happening on Facebook. If you don’t accept the challenge you have to make a donation to that person’s choice of charities. The gal that was challenging people wanted the donations given to your sweet Jennifer’s organization love4jlk. 🙂

  16. Your daughter, your family, YOU have made such an impact on me. I will NEVER forget her. I have never met you, we will probably never meet, but I can HONESTLY say that since I have started reading your story (which was when you were only a few weeks into your nightmare) there has NOT been a day that has gone by that I have not thought of Jennifer, you, and your family. A piece of her, you, all of you is in my heart forever… crazy because we have never met. But, she was just that special, that extraordinary, so precious to ever be forgotten… Prayers…

  17. Still reading and wanting you to know that I still think you’re very brave. It’s early and the things you have already worked on is probably so much more then what most people could have done at this point. Give yourself some breathing room to process. You will make it. I think many people would just be peaking out from the covers and you, you’re doing so much more! Be gentle and kind to your heart. It’s the beginning of a new journey and she will always be there and help you navigate it. I don’t know you but you are fierce in the most loving and positive way. Like CastleMom says, one day you will not feel guilty about having happy moments. ::Hugs::

  18. Damn. That’s all I can think of to say. Damn. Damn. Damn. I’m so glad you remember. But I can’t bear the reality that you HAVE to remember. DAMN.

  19. It hurts all of us -although not even close to what you must be feeling – and we will all remember her through your beautiful words and pictures. No-one is forgotten when loved. xxx

  20. Although I faithfully read your posts as soon as I see they are up, I rarely comment. They all affect me, each with their own powerful message or smile or heartbreak. But tonight I found myself in full on tears, my breath literally taken away with the realization of what was happening for you. And then the crushing reality of how unfair it was. You shouldn’t have to be longing for the memory of holding her…she belongs with you.

  21. This post has left me in tears, and also with a smile, because I feel like this memory is absolutely a gift from your girl. The vividness of the memory, how it took your breath away, how you’ve talked so often about just wanting to remember the way it felt to hold her in your arms, and then all of the sudden…there it was. I have so many words and thoughts, but none of them sound good enough to type out, so please know that my heart is insanely full of love for you guys today (and everyday),and this post has filled my heart beyond anything I can imagine. I can’t wait to meet your Jennifer someday.

    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  22. You move me to tears Libby. Jennifer, your beautiful amazing Jennifer will never be forgotten. She is and always will be in my heart and so many others forever. My daughter Eva is almost 4 and I talk to her about Jennifer and there are times out of the blue she will tell me that she misses Jennifer. I’m so happy you remember those moments. Its Jennifer’s way of letting you know that she is with you, that she will always be with you. I hope and pray you have more moments like that. We love you Libby. We love all of you ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  23. This post took my breath away and bought me to my knee unable to stop crying until my husband found me, I’m so sorry , I can’t even image, but the one thing i know for sure is Jennifer will always be remembered by all of us, thank you for sharing Jennifer with us,i look at her pictures and smile at that sweet face, then reality hits, i think about how sweet Jennifer was when she wave at my granddaughter in Nob Hill, then the reality, I’m so very sorry Libby sweetheart, i honestly care ….

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