angry

Rage

… thats my current. My right now, this very moment feeling. I had Tony take the boys to out of the house because I feel like I want to rip the house apart.

I went for a run this morning. Good run with good music playing in my ears. I got home and stopped into her room and cried.. those tears seemed to welcome in the overwhelming anger.

I am mad at my “to do” list. So much to get done.. to get accomplished. Little and big things.

Yesterday we went to the Discovery Museum in San Jose. At one point my eyes looked at the sea of people ..I  wanted to stand up on a box and get everybody’s attention.. to yell

“you have no idea the threat…the danger our children are in. Pediatric cancer is real and horrific. It stole my daughter. Please.. together lets do something.”

I felt a burning desire to do something.. to truly make a difference and an impact. I was inspired.

empowered.

I told Tony about it. That that feeling is why I have to do something ..

DSC_0591It was a great day. Charlotte laughed and played in the water.

The boys got to be physical and problem solvers.

I know what a difference I need to make… the difference that can be made. And the yesterday me felt really good about it. Ready for it. On top of it..

We went to group in the evening and talked about living in the present. The immediate. The right now.

That me.. the this minute me. ..

angry.

I miss my daughter.

I doubt myself and the crushing amount that needs to be done to fight this beast of pediatric cancer.. lack of funding and awareness… so many amazing organizations are already out there.. what can I truly bring to the table.

7 weeks.

Its been 7 weeks . 1 month 21 days. 49 days.

too long.

I want her back. My right now is exploding frustration. A desire to throw a chair into the wall… to find somebody to blame.

IMG_0526

 

 

.. to change our path.. her destiny.

to not be counting the days since I last felt her heart beat …

or the days til I see her again.

 

 

Pressure. to do right and be right.

.. a good friend, wife, mother. A good daughter and sister.. and blogger and non-profit founder.

My hats.

.. many balls up in the air I feel like I cant juggle them all. So I want to take them and throw them. Feel their weight in my hand and release them

. .. straight into a wall. Maybe somebody’s face. That mystery person I want to find thats to blame for all of this.

I don’t. I can’t. So I run. And I write.. then I will clean or look up things for the non-profit. Obsessively. I feel a drive to do both when I am done with this. I wish I could write while I clean…

my mind is going a million miles a minute right now. As I write I think… hmm maybe there is a fundraiser idea in that..so I pause and write it in my notes.

jello no more.

today I am lava.. hot. destructive. movement. flowing.

Too many thoughts to keep anything centered or straight.

Maybe thats whats so hard for me.. I am impatient. I want to be actively making a difference. Not in the set up phase. I want to know how this is all going to pan out. How we are going to make it through and adjust to the is new world we have been forced to live in…

one child down.

No control. None.

Not over how long it takes to get the non profit established. Not over how my husband or kids are dealing with this.

.. only 3 living children.DSC_0546

or my current cycle of undeniable rage.

No control over keeping my baby safe.

here.

alive.

Its a utterly helpless feeling. Helpless makes me angry.

I am angry.

DSC_0778

 

 

54 Responses to “angry”

  1. I know you are angry. I’ve been angry for you and with you. Cancer is so unfair. I just wanted to let you know that Saturday my friends and I are having a bake sale for Cookies 4 Kids Cancer, and we are able to direct the money we raise to go to DIPG treatment and research.Love 4 JLK forever.

  2. Thank you for sharing Libby.. I can’t imagine how deep your pain is.. But I can read it in your words. They’re so powerful. You’re powerful. You inspire me in so many ways… My grandfather died from cancer and even through there was a warning, it’s still hard and I think of him every day… It will get to a point where you won’t cry or tear up every time you think of them.. You’ll smile.. You’ll be thankful for the time you’ve had.. I know it seems like a million years away, but I promise it will happen. I’m not saying you won’t cry, because you will. But it’s a different kind of cry. The first cut is the deepest… I hope my little note helped you in some way… Because you help me a lot. You and Jennifer have changed my life. And my heart will forever be touched.

  3. That anger, that frustration and the LIVING memory/presence of that sweet girl is going to fuel something big.

  4. I am so angry, too. For you, for her, for all the parents who have had to bury their babies because of this monster.

    Please don’t feel like you have nothing to bring to the table. Your words on this blog alone have helped to drive many (me included) to get into this fight. You have the power to motivate people, to make a difference. Look at what Gabriella Miller was able to do, and she was only 10! You have a voice, a story, that demands to be heard. Your fundraisers and non-profit will do amazing things, I know it. Hopefully this drive continues in all of us so that we see in the near future a significant change in this fight.

    I am again, so so so sorry for your loss. Continuing to pray for your family, all 6 of you.

  5. I am so so sorry Libby. I am angry with you…Angry that so little funds go toward this childhood cancer. It makes me sick.our babies are our future WHY? WHY SO LITTLE GOES TOWARD PEDIATRIC CANCER? IT MAKES ME SAD!! Our children are the most important things in our lives. They deserve more. We can’t let the children who have lost the battle against childhood cancer die in vain. We have to we MUST do something. What can we do to change this write a letter to our Congress man? WTF do we have to do to show how important our children are!! Fuck Cancer. There has to be a cure or a way to find one. This could be any of our children. Like you have said over and over 7 children die of cancer every day. 7 beautiful innocent children. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE…SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!!! IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP FIGHT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE LET ME KNOW. IT’S UNFAIR IT’S WRONG IT’S GOT TO CHANGE!! I think of Jennifer all the time. All the time. I wasn’t lucky enough to have met her. But those big brown eyes and that smile are just amazing. It’s not fair her life was taken way to soon. I FUCKEN HATE CANCER!! I HATE IT!!

  6. Libby, my cousin text me this morning to tell me she saw you at the museum yesterday… all of you in you Love4jlk shirts. She told me all she could tell you was that she was praying for you. That she praid for Jennifer. Then she started texting me about DIPG. See, these are even the smallest changes you have already made. AWARENESS… to those who would otherwise have no idea!

  7. I am angry too. Angry that Jennifer was taken from you. It shouldnt have been like this. I am so sorry Libby. I am here to help in any way I can so we can stop this from happening to such innocent children like Jennifer. I am here. I am sticking with you always. Thankyou for sharing your life and sharing Jennifers life with me, with all of us. You have changed me in so many ways. Thankyou.

  8. It’s maddening, frustrating, not fair. You have EVERY right to be so mad. I can’t imagine…when I try to, I have to shut my mind off. I am so sorry. You have an army behind you waiting to help in any way we can.

  9. Libby:

    You have A LOT to offer. In the last five months, you have raised so much awareness regarding the necessity for additional funding for pediatric cancer, especially funding for DIPG research. Every organization has a different voice and your voice needs to be heard.

  10. Yay for Libby! A mover and a shaker…I bet Jennifer is up there doing the glitter dance and smiling at her powerful mommy! You go, girl!

  11. So sorry for your loss!! I cry reading you posts but I feel I have too!! She is just irreplaceable!! I don’t blame you for your complete angry, breakdowns, what ever to call your ability to deal or to just shutdown!! Your allowed!! She looks like an angel in every picture you post!! I feel your pain but only in empathy! I can not pretend to even understand the magnitude of it!!! Bless you & your babies!! So sorry!!!

  12. Anger can be good, positive, effective. No matter what, it’s so real. I wish this weren’t so real for you. I’m here, I’m reading, I’m thinking daily about you and Tony and your 4 kids.

  13. I can’t imagine the anger and rage you feel. I feel anger for you and constantly wish there was something I could do to take away the pain you and your family face daily. I hope through your anger you find power which will lead you to peace. You will make a difference in whatever you do, because for most of us who read your blog you already have. We all stand with you and will always fight with you. There is a song that always seems to pull my thoughts to you and Jennifer it’s Matthew West’s song “Save a Place for Me”. It’s beautiful, emotional but hopeful. xoxo

  14. You will take that mix of jello and rage and truly make a differance. For Jennifer and for the other children suffering. No child, no parent, no sibling should have to go through what your family is going through. The funding must change. What ever non profit you start you have my 100% support. You will be a force, an advocite for all of the children. All in beautiful Jennifer’s name. God bless you Libby.

  15. Libby I understand your rage. I understand also that it is normal to feel that way. Anger, rage, mad all of it. I haven’t lost a child to cancer but I watched my dad dwindle down to 98 pounds by the time he died and I had to sit and watch and could not do anything about it. I want to help. I am a designer for Origami Owl. We sell life lockets and I will donate 50% of my commission to your cause. If you are interested in me doing this please let me know. My email is depla3@aol.com although it will not cover all the cost for finding the cure its a start and I want to do my part. I will either send the money to you or you can tell me where to send it what ever you want. I am not doing this to make money because I will donate most of it to Jennifer’s cost and the taxes I will have to pay at the end of the year. But I will run this fundraiser as long as you want me to and I will promote it in honor of Jennifer. Please let me help!! You have touched my heart and I want to be part of something good especially because this involves young children and babies. I see and read your posts everyday and my heart hurts on how much you suffer. You will have to do nothing I will take care of it all. All I will ask from you is to set up a page for Jennifer and this fundraiser. Please let me know. I hope that you will agree if not I understand but I did not want to do this with asking you first. I know that there are a lot of people that want to help and this would be a way to do that. Once again I hate I had to put this on this page but I have no clue how to talk to you. I did send a message while Jennifer was with us but got no response and it looks like it was never read. I am sure you have a lot of messages that have not been read especially at the time I sent it when she was really getting sicker. You are in my prayers and I hope that God is working with you now getting you to realize you want to and you got to do something for all the others going through what you have gone through. Looking forward to hearing from you.

  16. Libby reading your blogs I feel your anger..I want to help you in your fundraisers,I want to do whatever it takes to help you to help Jennifer to help your family to help all the families.. I watch a program on Monday called the Katie show,she had a lady on there that lost her son to brain cancer and the fundraisers she did, I wish I could of called you and said watch this, I believe her fundraiser is called Mudd puddles.. Maybe look up the Katie show and there might be info on her show. Libby I don’t live far from you so if I could help in any way please put me to work..Jennifers footprint is forever in my heart and everyone else’s. .. let us help you. .

  17. Libby I am angry as well for u and ur daughter that this happened to ur beautiful family. My dear ffriend Shara has cancer happening to her four year old right now was diagnosed last August look up her page Avery and her bravery. We are just praying and staying positive. Cancer is horrible it stole my father too. Young or old its a monster and it doesn’t stop. We love u Libby.

  18. I am ANGRY too, Libby! You and your sweet Jennifer have brought so much awareness and FIGHT to so many people. We are by your side. I say throw things! I say write, run and plan. I say put us to use! We are here to offer our support and say FU Cancer! Sending many many many hugs!!

  19. Libby

    You and Jennifer are the BRAVEST people
    I have ever known. I know beautiful Jennifer wants to see
    her Momma be Brave. You are amazingly loving, wise, courageous and strong. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself.

    Prayers and hugs

  20. I’m sure somebody has posted this for you before, but I just saw it somewhere else today, so here you go:

    “Does love wear out,” said Small,

    “does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?”

    “Oh help,” said Large, “I’m not that clever I just know I’ll love you for ever.”

    Small said, “But what about when we’re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?”

    Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

    “Small, look at the stars ~ how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago.

    “Still they shine in the evening skies; love like starlight, never dies.”

    No Matter What
    By Debi Gliori

  21. My husband went to a thrift store and bought every coffee cup they had (it amounted to about 80). I found a safe place in my yard then proceeded to smash them while screaming all I was feeling at the time.

    As for your need to Do and write I would introduce you to Dragon. I wear it and speak, my words are created on my screen. Its affordable and maybe by now they are cordless?

    I can empathize with rage. It snuck up on me some days and other times it built like an overfilled balloon.

    Breathe……

  22. I can’t fathom the pain you must be feeling. I hope time will heal the wounds. I have followed the blog, and can’t believe it. I having four children of my own, I always have the fear of losing one or all of them to something out of our control. I hope you can get stronger and continue to do the best you can do in raising your children with great pleasure and happiness.

    Adam

  23. Libby, please know this: You’ll remember Jennifer, she’ll be with you forever. You’ll see her smile and hear her voice, sometimes when you least expect it, and for a long time it will make you cry, but she’ll also always make you smile. And you’ll love her forever.

    I salute your beautiful daughter’s brave and courageous spirit.

    With love and sadness from Elaine in New Zealand xx

  24. When my mother died, and my siblings swooped into the house and tried to pack it up less than a week afterward, I was furious at them. After they left, I went out in the back yard, took the new coffee maker my sister had purchased (she didn’t like the small one my mother used)and smashed it into bits with a sledgehammer. Immense satisfaction.

  25. After my mom died I had that physical feeling of anger. I went to the thrift store and bought a bunch of plates and smashed them in the empty garage. Feeling that physical release helped. If only in that moment. I say if you feel like destroying something, destroy something!

  26. Libby, I have always loved the song “Held” by Natalie Grant. Now when I hear it, my thoughts come to you. If you aren’t familiar with the song it is amazing.
    In the middle of that heartache, at every lonely, dark, lost moment …the Truth. That in those moments, especially then, we are held, held up, held together, by the the One who has walked here and knows the pain, and who also holds all of time, every story, my story, your story, the Greatest Story in his hands.
    You are in my prayers.

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iOufqWodFNo

  27. It’s okay not to be okay you are human ….
    Praying for you tonight and every night actually… I hope you feel all the love from all of us on here. I will continue to read and support you and pray for your family everyday for the rest of my life. That’s how much if an impact you and your family have made on me. You have brought awareness to more people than you realize and it will continue to grow. Xo

  28. You don’t know me, but I feel like I know you and know your lil girl. My chest closes and my breath leaves me when I read what your going through, think about how you feel, how angry you deserve to be! Please know I, like so many, pray for you every day, and think of your little angel in heaven. Your message tonight is not in vein. I do strive to be the best mom, wife, friend, sister and daughter.. Because life is a gift, which can leave us at any moment. I hope knowing we pray for your family helps strengthen your journey to healing, never forgeting, just healing. Thinking of your family..

  29. I never thought I could be angry with God, but I have been, for your sweet, beautiful, brave Jennifer – a child I never met. Don’t let doubt stop you! You are a powerful ONE supported by many. You are doing a GREAT thing – just by sharing your story, and you will do more. We will help you. Keep going. Some days, you’ll just “chop wood, carry water”; others, you’ll crest great mountains. Ask for help; reach out; don’t stop. The cause is too great; Jennifer, too deserving. God, give Libby the courage to step out in faith to do all she thinks she can’t. Amen.

  30. Angry, bewildered, grief-stricken, sometimes just so taken again by the surprise of it all that it stings me to tears (as in, did that really happen? that couldn’t have happened)…and I know my spectrum of emotions is not even one millionth of what you experience. Not even a billionth. I want to grapple Time, get it onto its back in submission and get your daughter back for you.

  31. You have every right to be angry about what has happened to your family and all of us are by your side in that anger. Everything that has happened is incredibly unfair and we all wish there could have been a miracle that could have kept Jennifer here. I’m sorry is so inadequate to what you are all going through and I wish there was something else that I could say. We will all be here to support the non-profit and give support from afar to you and your family. Praying for you and sending you hugs and support. You are brave and strong and we are here for you.

    Vanessa

  32. Libby, I think of you at least a few times every day and many times wonder how it is you are getting through every second of each day. Your blog is honest and beautiful and with every post your courage and strength blows me away again. Thank you so much for sharing.

  33. I am angry too. Of course I could never understand your anger but know we all are sad, but I think also angry that Jennifer is no longer physically here with us. Lets fight cancer Libby- just give us all the word. You’ve directed us to do what we have already, lets keep this going

  34. Libby I can only imagine the pain that you are going through, but please understand that it is normal and human. You will always have Jennifer with you, she will always be your daughter, you will see her again. Sometimes it’s okay to not have all the balls going and to not know what’s next- that’s okay and you will get through this. I continue to think about and pray for your family. Hoping today brings a fresh beginning- try to do something small for yourselve- take a walk, go for a run, enjoy a cup of tea, call a friend. Sometimes like you have mentioned before, it’s like a calling or inner voice you have to listen to and follow.

  35. GFD, GFD, GFD!!!! I have read this blog several times and each time I want to rage. Go ahead Libby, we are with you!

    Every time I hear the Christina Perri song Human, I think of you. Do what you need to do…

  36. You have every right to b angry! I can’t wait to see all the amazing things that will come from your non profit. I am still here, reading n praying thinking of u and ur family daily. Forever 6 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  37. The angry gives you an outlet you need…use it! No one expects you to grieve on a timetable… or a certain way…and if they do…. screw them. Libby, please be gentle with yourself…give yourself time….to grieve any way you need…and know we are here…thinking of you…and Jennifer.

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