slap

Words take on new meaning..thoughts can sometimes slap me in the face.

Tony is out with a friend tonight. The boys are pretty much refusing to go to sleep. But now behaving well enough so I am blogging.

A little bit ago though Nicholas was pushing it. My first thought was to jokingly text Tony that he might come home to one less kid..

…SLAP.

Did I really just think that??

Sitting down now to write it was too much. I walked back to them and just kissed them each and said I love you…go to sleep. That thought I am sure is a fairly normal one. But a perfect example of how we have been stripped of our usual day to day.

Same thing with relationships. The death of our daughter and strained and changed every relationship.

wdw201401738153993_6923334415
***our last trip as a family of 6***

I write a lot about it in regards to our family. The 5 (it will always still be 6) of us.  But thats the obvious, as well as a huge part of the stretch elsewhere. Everything I have in me has to go to them… to us. We have been demolished…rebuilding is harder and different than I thought it would be. I thought we would do lots of trips together. Make new memories…appreciate each other.

It has been much slower going than I thought it would be.

Its hard to have those closest to me also so overwhelmed in grief . And, to frankly, not have the energy to help and care the way I normally would have. With some it has brought us closer and some pushed apart. I am doing my best to just ride with it and trust we will remake a new normal.

**this was a hard blog to write tonight, a lot of writing and erasing trying to figure things out in my own head. I can’t seem to get out the piles of confused thoughts bouncing inside my head**

I am trying to accept the help of the people around us. While still keeping the layer of protection that makes me feel safe.

And most importantly not take all of this for granted… to have it be communicated what is wanted from me as well.

I know the attention towards us will wane and I am trying to lay groundwork with as many people as I can to be sure we have multiple strong relationships. Because I am trying to admit to myself I will be needy for a long time. Its hard when there are sooo many people that want to see and touch us. A lucky problem to have… I do know that.

 

I want to continue to have my boys deepen the bonds with their Aunts and Uncles. I want to talk with moms that have survived what it feels like I can’t.. and build friendships. I want to thank people for their support and make contacts for the non-profit. I want to reinforce the friendships that we are already so lucky to have.

But I need some solitude. I need one thing at a time. I need to concentrate on my kids and husband. Often I need to just breathe and let my mind roam. .

This is all such a prefect example of how I fully can acknowledge its hard to help somebody in the agony of child loss. We don’t know what we want. We want you to reach out… but might not have space for you in that moment.

It all makes me feel like crap.

I feel like a broken record but I am so scared of being forgotten… That people, the ones who know us best will move on.. with us left behind. That in a year from now we won’t still be getting dinner invitations and text messages. I get so many now I can’t answer them all. I am grateful for that problem.

I am scared for the time my phone grows quiet.

Because if I am forgotten it means she is too.

Today I got two text messages about children missing Jennifer. Talking about her or drawing her name. It meant a lot to me.

Then it slapped me. A good solid one right to the face.

She was only six…she is now forever six. Such a short life. These kids missing her now meant so very much to me. But I know they won’t always.. .they are kids. They are resilient and they aren’t built for this.

. . .not even my kids.

IMG_4008

 

 

They leave little things for her on the floor in her room. Just time to time I find them. I thought it was always Jonathan but I know one today was Nicholas. I will be sad when a week goes past and they haven’t brought something for sissy. I know that they need to grow past it though…

 

Jonathan was super star at his pre-school. They get to bring in something in a bag and write clues for the other students to guess. Last time it was his super sib trophy from a non-profit established to support siblings of cancer patients. This time it was her stuffed cat she got on our girls and Daddy trip to Disneyland. Its current home has been on the arm of the snuggle couch where we spent many of our last days together.

559914_10152271159813416_926828419_n

 

 

His teachers took a picture of him with it. He was so proud. So was I. Tony handled all the set up of it this go around. So with full confidence I can say it had nothing to do with me.. He just loves and misses his sissy and this was his way of showing her off and bringing a piece of her with him.

 

It won’t always be like that though.. . He will grow through this.. and forget. Not totally of course.. but he will.

 

It will happen to me too. When we get invited anywhere my first thought is still her food. What to bring for her. Then I remember I will never feed her again and it hurts..Its a crushing on my chest. One day though.. I won’t think of that.

One day I will be at a party and then it will hit me at cake time. One day I will say all the kids and mean my living three .. One day  . .

That day.

When I realize I forgot.. .

. .that she wasn’t my first thought…

. . slap.

DSC_0717

 

 

80 Responses to “slap”

  1. I know there are so many of us, myself definitely included, that want to help you through this. I wish i could help more. (At all) fact is, I dont know you that well. I wish i had gotten to know you better during those preschool parties. I am painfully shy with people i dont know and you seemed so super mom. Kinda intimidating! 🙂 I really hope someday we can be friends. Or at least aquaintances. I feel a fraction of your pain through your writing and just want to help. Its human nature I guess. Will never ever forget jennifer. She (and you) have changed the way I parent completely. In a good way. Anyways. I’m totally crying now do id better stop because im not sure im making sense anyways. Just still thinking and praying for you. (Hugs)

  2. <3 I will never forget. I think about you all a lot through out the day, you have become my extended family. And you all are very LOVED!

  3. JLK will always be remembered – especially by her siblings.

    My aunt passed away when I was 1. Obviously I don’t remember her, she was 17. My mom always talks about her. I think about her often and named my daughter after her.

    You will always remember JLK, as your first born, as the big sister.

    Much love!

  4. Gone but not forgotten…always loved and always missed. I want nothing from you, never did. Just want you to know that you are all in my daily prayers as Jennifer’s spirit lives on forever. Be brave…smiles

  5. Still here, always reading and thinking of you and Jennifer. My Alex has that kitty. I will think of JLK every time I see it.
    I will gladly follow your journey as long as you will have us, as long as you will want to share her with us.
    Always sending you love, grace, and strength.

  6. I came across this quote tonight and immediately thought of you…

    “On particularly rough days, when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that’s pretty good…”

    Your strength continues to amaze me, Libby, even on the days when you can’t see it in yourself.

    Always. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  7. I have said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m here for you guys for whatever you need, whenever you are ready. 2nd, 3rd, 4th best…it doesn’t matter. I won’t forget and I will be here for you whenever you’re ready. Habits might change, and time will pass…it has to and it does; but Jennifer will never be forgotten. Promise. Love to all 6 of you.

  8. I’m still here, still reading every word. And I’ll never forget her. Although they only met in person a couple of times, my oldest girl idolizes Jennifer in the way that little kids do with slightly older kids. We are just a few of the many many people she made that kind of impression on. I won’t let her memory fade in my family.

  9. When there’s no where to go and your soul won’t settle and the words can’t seem to be spit out when the thoughts still whirl through your head …..bring it to nature and let your mind wander and spirit heal in solitude. Lose yourself and find yourself in that space in time.
    Just something I do when I’m anxious and depressed-it’s nice that Gods presence is there and I can feel it even though I don’t have to acknowledge it.
    Love and prayers my friend,
    Amanda

  10. I’ve never commented before but feel compelled to comment today. My mum was 9 when her 15 year old sister died from cancer. She is still very much remembered by her and all her siblings. She talks about her to me and throughout our childhood, showed us pictures of her sister, telling us about her. My mum also lost her brother when she was pregnant with me. He has never been forgotten and I’ve grown up hearing wonderful stories about him – so much so, that I feel like I actually knew and met him (he was her rock when she was going through a tough time).

    Thinking of you and my heart goes out to you. She won’t be forgotten and will always have a place in your family, which her siblings will carry on in the later years.

  11. It will be 2 years in July…. I haven’t forgotten a thing. Johnnie is still the forethought in everything I do! My kids, 9 And 3, still do and say things daily about their uncle Johnnie. You won’t ever have to worry about the slap! Jennifer is a a superstar In the eyes of her siblings! Johnathan will tell Nicholas stories and he will tell Charlotte and they will tell their children. Legacies don’t fade, they don’t fizzle. When someone as special as Jennifer passes, it’s hard to forget that sparkle. Fear not mama, that slap will never come.

  12. I, too, will be here as long as you are willing to share your life with us strangers! I will support you with prayers, sharing your story, and raising funds and awareness. Your family will never forget her. Yes, there may come a day when you don’t think first about what food to pack her, but you will remember how you used to pack her special food. My hope is you remember with a smile and not an ache (or at least not a crushing ache).

    It has been 3, almost 4 years since my brother passed at age 20. My older daughter was only 6 months old at the time. We keep a picture of him inn the girls’ room and talk about him. She now shares the stories we have told her with her friends and little sister. My family talks about him at every family gathering. People at our church still tell me they are praying for our family. Not every week, but often enough to know he isn’t forgotten.

    JLK is in so many hearts and minds through you. Keep sharing, build that non-profit when you are ready, and your glitter girl will continue to shine.

    So many hugs and prayers today.

  13. You will always be in our lives no matter what. Always. And Jennifer will never be forgotten.

    We think of her all the time although we’ve never met her. We know her through you. Kevin points out dragonfly items, or I think of her when we smell or see watermelon, it’s her. Princess things, glitter things, so many little things in our every day lives remind us of her which is incredible because we only know her through you. She’s always going to be a part of all of us and will never be forgotten. We love you for sharing her with us.

    Love you all and continued prayers,
    Liz & Kevin

  14. To me, you’ll always be a family of 6. JLK could never be forgotten. Neither can you. This is the first thing I do in the morning, get up and read, pray for you. So much love for you Libby, and the whole family.

  15. “One day at a time” Don’t ever feel like this blog has become more of a chore or obligation to keep JLK memory alive for others. I read and follow but I will not forget her or the fight that needs to continue for pediatric cancer. You have a great family and you’re incredibly courageous and inspiring. Log my email and when you’re ready, I’ll be a part of your JLK team. She has left a mark that cannot be erased, not even in the absence of a daily blog, pictures or a song on the radio. Forever 6 and forever remembering. Big hugs. Never forget you or your first little girl, Mama.

  16. I’ve been reading your blog on here for the past few months and this is the first time I’ve commented on one. Just wanted to say that as time goes by and “things change” that your beautiful daughter will not be forgotten.

  17. Thinking about you today especially and sending many blessings your way. Be gentle with yourself, you are doing an amazing job (even if it doesn’t feel like it).

  18. We will never forget JLK or any of you Libby. This is a time for you to focus on yourself, focus on your family. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone else, we are all here, ready to help if and when you need it. Sending more hugs and love to you. xoxo

  19. I promise you I will never for get Jennifer or you Libby or your family
    She will be in my heart forever. And so will you. I think about Jennifer every single day. I think about you and your family every single day. All my love to you all. ♡

  20. I’m still here, reading, wanting to comment on every post of yours! Even though we’ve never met, I feel compelled to tell you that I am so proud of you! Proud of someone I’ve never met, it might sound so odd. But you are so raw and exposed, you are so open with your feelings that how can we not be proud of you for sharing something so intimate with us? I’ve said it before and I will say it again – you are incredible! I just hope you realize it, too (if not today, maybe tomorrow?).

    I think what you are describing is so natural (as natural as it could be) in this grieving process. You are okay, you will be okay even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

    You will find yourself getting into your own rhythm with Jennifer’s memory and how you wish to honor her for the rest of your life. It is up to you to do what YOU want. Your kids my not remember vivid memories of her (especially Nicholas and Charlotte), but they will know your (and Tony’s) love for her. They will grow up seeing the love you have and I think that is incredible. Just because your memories are blurry right now doesn’t mean they won’t become more clear as you heal.

    To me, it seems like you are all making incredible strides, but please don’t let that frighten you. I mean that in the best way.

    Continue to be kind to yourself and allow to hurt when you need to, on your own terms. But also laugh if you are compelled. Laughter does a lot of amazing things.

    I have also learned to turn one “no” a day into one “yes” a day. Thank you for allowing me to do this for my son.

  21. Oh, sweet Libby… hugs and prayers as you process the unthinkable.

    Yes things will change— but you will all remember her in ways you can’t imagine now. It will still be beautiful and she will still play a roll in all of your memories but it will be different. It won’t be about remembering her food, it will be about reflecting on her. So hard to imagine but there will be sweetness in the memories too.

    Hugs to you.

  22. A close friend of mine lost her brother when he was 4 and she was 2. She vaguely remembers him but recalls more with photos, and even though this was 26 years ago, when I went to her parents home, the hallway entry was full of pictures of their little boy. Children never get forgotten and just how you will never forget Jennifer, no one who loves you will give up on you. I am just a stranger and I completely get that right now you need to go at your own pace, so I am sure the people close to you will be just as if not more understanding. You have the right to react however you need, now is not the time for anyone to place expectations upon you, and now is not the time for you to feel guilty about being neglectful, aloof, unavailable or whatever. You just lost your daughter, there is no nice way to be under those circumstances.

    Big hugs for you, even though they are just internet hugs…hope they help you a little, and at your own pace.

  23. We can all promise and assure you that Jennifer will never be forgotten. We can tell you a thousand times a day, but you may not be able to trust that yet. And that’s ok. In time you will. Please be gentle with yourself. It’s been such a short time. All of this. Give yourself time. About a year ago I heard a very powerful lecture called Grace. Truth. Time. If I can find my notes I will copy and send them to you. Basically accept grace (from God. From those who love you. And give grace to yourself and your loved ones. Grace is undeserved not earned grace is gentle.) Truth- focus on the truths (biblical truths and truths that you know in your heart and truths that you know deep in your soul). And te hard one now is time. Healing takes time. Grieving takes time. Building relationship takes time. Learning takes time. Trust in God’s perfect time. While you are waiting on the time bathe yourself in grace and truth. Continued prayers for you all.

  24. Libby,

    Inadequate words to share…….fervent prayers to offer.

    I pray that our Blessed Mother Mary, Mother of all Mothers, speaks to you from her heart to yours, knowing best the agony of losing a child.

    Hail Mary…..full of grace
    The Lord is with you,
    Blessed are you among women
    And blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.

    Holy Mary, Mother of God
    Pray for us sinners,
    Now and at the hour of our death.

    Amen

  25. She will never be forgotten and always a part of your family. We are all here to lend love and support through this time and beyond that. You have changed my life and so many others by sharing your family with us and that is one more way to not only honor JLK’s memory, but also to keep her in your heart. As time moves on, the things your memory will focus on will be right for that moment in time and there will be smiles and sometimes tears. We are here when you need us.

    Sending you love and support.

    Vanessa

  26. Thinking of your Jennifer, saying her name. I think people will remember her and hold her in heart longer than you might imagine. And those people will be there for you always, even as you, your family and your grief grow and change.

  27. Sigh. I have wanted to write to you for a while now, a long while. I read your posts feeling the pain. I felt it the same way you do now. Reading your posts brings me back….not long ago, June, 21, 2009 at 6:21 am. My beautiful four year old daughter Taya lost her battle to a brain tumour as well as your beautiful daughter. I am ahead of you in my grief. Everything you write hits home and some days still feels that way.

    There is hope for happiness…..a very different happiness. Kind of like happiness sprinkled with sadness sprinkled with anger sprinkled with disbelief and then the “miss” which some days doesn’t feel sprinkled more feels like a huge typhoon.

    Every feeling you feel Is normal and really really crappy. There are no words to describe to anyone the thoughts and feelings you are going through because it is not understood. Let’s be real when I say even your body aches from how much you miss them. A word will never been made for such extreme sadness.

    Anyways I wanted to reach out. I could go on and on. I live in Ontario Canada. If you would like to reach out I am on Facebook, candyse Cotiga.

    Always in my thoughts.

  28. I have been so busy so I haven’t been reading as often, but I always work my way backward to read old posts. You’re a good woman Libby
    A great Mom. Thank you for continuing to share with us.

  29. I have been reading your blog since your journey began. I’ve never posted a response. your heart wrenching, raw pain is almost too much to read at times but yet I am thankful that you write your thoughts because I know that someone out there who is reading your blog is also going through that same kind of pain. The pain of losing a child. Your thoughts will help those who need to read them. I wanted to offer you a meal for your family. I live in SJ. I also wanted to suggest the Aubri Brown club which will help you during this time as well. Keep posting. I”ll keep reading and I”ll keep praying for your family during this difficult time of great loss.

  30. She will never be forgotten,believe me… some people grieve differently than others… there is no guide on “how to grieve”. You have to do what is best for you, regardless of what others think. I know it doesn’t make it better, but I will never forget Jennifer. I think of her every single day. I think of you, Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte… I admire you for opening up to the world Libs, sharing your story… because of you nobody will ever forget her…

  31. Your family will never be forgotten. I think about JLK everyday. Sara Bareilles’ “Brave” will forever remind me of your girl and her brave fight. Your story is forever in my heart. Sending you prayers and hugs. Stay strong my friend.

  32. Libby she will not be forgotten. My daughter had a classmate die in kindergarten and my daughter still remembers her and still talks about her. Remembering her has helped my daughter in several ways. It taught her compassion at a very early age! JLK will not be forgotten…her sparkle will live on.

    As far as all the texts and invitations…they will be coming in when you are ready to respond. So many want to help, be there, or just support. Hang on girl…you are loved from both near and far!

  33. My daughter lost her friend 4 years ago when they were 10. She still thinks about him, remembers how much she cared for him, she still cries for him. Life does go on, but the ones we love who are gone are truly never forgotten. Have faith that your Jennifer won’t be forgotten <3

  34. Libby ~
    Your Jennifer will NEVER be forgotten! You will never be forgotten…..Tony and your living children will NOT be forgotten. Jennifer lives on in SO many ways, too many to count. Her life had a purpose, maybe it is for a cure or at minimum, a treatment for future patients.
    I think it is one of the biggest fears of losing someone, that they will be forgotten! I am 51 years old, when I was in 5th grade, a friend (he was 2 years younger), had a brain aneurism. He died a few days later. 40 + years later, I have never forgotten. Nor will all of us who have grown to love your JLK, even though we never had the pleasure of meeting her in person!
    Hugs of love, peace and continued healing!

  35. Libby,
    Don’t know what to say, but I can feel pain in my heart, for you, for what you are going through. Love and Light for you and your family, all day and everyday.

  36. Dearest Libby,

    My brother passed away 36 years ago and he is always on my mind.I will never forget him.Sure,we aren’t surrounded by friends and family the way we were when he first passed but that’s ok because his memory is very much alive in the hearts and minds of those that loved him.

    We are all still here Libby.

  37. thank you for writing. thank you for sharing. I don’t think I’ll forget, it’s all too poignant and too close to me. I have a 6 year old, 4 year old (miscarriage) and a baby. I’ve always been grateful for them after my giant struggle with fertility, but this reminds me. I’m not writing this well, but I think you’ve heard this story before that you’ve helped other parents to be grateful.

  38. Jennifer will never be forgotten. Ever. But I wanted to acknowledge a fear I read in your post. I really related to it. Not the fear, the big fear that she will be forgotten, but the small fears. Of your habits changing, of adjusting to a life with out her. The rhythm of living with her that won’t be there anymore, those small things that you will begin to forget and move on from. Because you have to in order to move forward and rebuild. Those are losses too and that is scary. Here is the thing that I found with time: as it marches on yes, you get further from the loss and the intense greif and pain of that, but you also get further from the time when the person you loved was alive and your life together. It feels more like a trade-off than a fix. And it is I guess. I wish I had something to say that explained that this was a good thing but I don’t. I am honestly not sure. Maybe one is just more bearable than the other. I am not trying to be bleak or anything, time also allows for the return of true joy, I just wanted to acknowledge a real fear I heard and say “yes, that is really scary”. As far as the fear that people around you will fade away, I can say for myself that I am not going anywhere. That is a promise.

  39. Libby,

    There are so very many things I want to say.

    -You will NEVER forget. I promise you that.
    -You just have to be honest with people about solitude (which you are in writing this blog).
    -Besides your children and your husband, you just cannot help anyone else with their grief. It’s just too much to ask of you, I think.

    I am so thankful that you write everyday, and that I can share your grief (probably doesn’t do a bit of good – but I feel like my sending good energy & love can’t hurt).

    Please, please, please be kind to yourself.

    With love,
    Diana

  40. Libby, I met you once at Lilly’s bday party and my daughter played with Jennifer. I ave followed your blog since day one and I think of you every single day. You and your family will never be forgotten and when you are ready I would like to help and organize a walk for the non profit. My heart aches for you daily, hourly…

  41. Like you said yesterday, your mind and body are trying to protect
    you now, give you room to heel. You will remember her, your love for Jennifer will help her memory live on. I have a childhood friend who lost his sister 5 years ago in an automobile accident- and I still reach out to his Mom to let her know how much I loved her daughter and how I have never forgotten. I think you’re wise in knowing that your children might not always leave things in JLK’s room as they need to move through this grieving process as well. But that does not mean they will ever forget their sissy. You are held in my prayers daily, Libby. Praying that God gives you the strength you need to get through each day. Sending you love and lifting you up.

  42. JLK & your family will never be forgotten. JLK’s story and your blog has made me a better mother & person. I was getting so caught up in unimportant things & your journey has touched me so deeply, it has helped me to stay in the present & be grateful for what I have instead of focusing on what I don’t have. Such a pivotal moment in a person’s life can change the lives around them. All your readers grieve with you, for you and we journey with you. You are not alone.

  43. Libby, with every post I read my heart breaks for you. Millions of little pieces are sitting on my desk right now. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It sucks, it hurts, and no one is ever going to be able to make that go away. She will always be a part of everything you do. Everything. I think its fine to say you have 4 kids when people ask, because you do. My friend’s first born was born sleeping, she would be 14 or 15 this year, anyways still to this day she says she has 4 kids when anyone asks. Even her siblings who weren’t born remember her and know her because Abby shows them pictures and talks about her still. You already do that Libby, she will never be gone from your family for as long as the rest of you live. Everyone will remember her because of you. Please know you are loved and I pray for you daily.

    Afton

  44. Libby, I am happy you have your blog to get these thoughts out and try to sort out your very difficult journey. Take your time. Take baby steps. Do what feels right. Your heart is so big, you will find your way and Jennifer will help guide you. Don’t worry about what others need, think or want. Concentrate on you and your Family. I am a stranger and I care so deeply for you; imagine how your actual Family must feel. You and Jennifer are in my daily thoughts.

  45. She will never be forgotten. I have never met her, nor you, yet I think of you both several times a day, whenever I look at my children.

    Twenty-two years ago I lost my best friend–we were young–just 23. I still think of her, her parents, her sisters, when I see something or hear something that I know she would like or reminds me of her. We keep in touch.

    Be brave, like your daughter. We will all be there for you.

  46. Not a day goes by that I don’t read your words, feel your words and offer up a prayer of comfort and support for you. You and JLK cross my mind and heart many times each day. I don’t imagine this changing. May you be comforted by the love and support of those near and far to you. Much love!

  47. I will never forget the Kranz family, Jennifer forever in my heart. And that nonprofit in her honor, will be our link to all of you forever. Forever.

  48. I can honestly say I can’t ever forget Jennifer or your family! She will always be with you. I lost my brother July 28, 1990, he was 22, I was 24…he was my baby brother. This past Christmas my children and I were sitting in my Mother’s formal Christmas room and I say Christmas room b/c she doesn’t take the fake tree down…No one was near a hurricane lamp w/a brass ring on the top and the brass part flew off and hit the coffee table. I screamed for my Mom, she came in and I said, “Mom, Peter came by to say Merry Christmas”. Mom was in the kitchen but she heard it and wondered…I lived through my Mom losing her baby and the sweet smile on her face was a balm for me. She believed and we all just knew, even my adult kids who never met him. She’ll be with you and your babies will never forget. Now reading and knowing a mother’s pain, your pain, I think maybe my Mom is feeling like she’s getting closer to being with him….believing more? As her child it hurts, kills me, but I’ve had all this time and I can’t fault either of them their peace.
    I pray for your family and your new normal. I pray!

  49. I could never forget JLK. I didn’t know you guys personally but your family has had such an impact on me. I am still here and will always think of the Kranz family. You are in my prayers…..daily

  50. My heart is broken with you. the stuffed cat and her still room rips me inside out. You will always, always be “Mother of JLK”, and I will refer to you just that way. Please understand, this doesn’t mean I don’t acknowledge your other precious little ones. Big hugs and much love Prabha

  51. Libby, I met you briefly when I was a junior in high school and your brother, will, coached me at Presentation High school. I have followed your story and have read your blog ever since I was aware of your sweet Jennifer’s illness. She and your family have been in our nightly prayers ever since. Your jonathon reminds me a lot of my 4 year old, Matteo. Thank you for sharing your story – I will continue to read as long as you write.

  52. Libby that time that you are referring to is just a way that your body protects you when you are in so much pain… It’s just a way to help you continue living when you have lost someone soo loved… BUT you will never forget your precious girl… NOONE will forget!! I ache for you so much every time I look at my daughter who is also 6 I think of you and your pain and I cry… I cry for you mother to mother and I cry for Jennifer and I cry for your family.. I am sorry … I am crying again!!! You are all so loved.. God be with you xx

  53. 12 years ago today my friend Rhonda lost her baby girl Tiana. She contacted me a week ago asking if you might need to talk to her. She started a foundation in her daughter’s memory so if you’d like to talk to her at some point you can reach me through Dana Dahm and I can connect you.

  54. You are flooded with people’s concern and desire to help. I remember you wrote about it before, that it is something people offer and sometimes you respond, sometimes you don’t. This is a time in your life when you accept the multiple one-way messages (like the movie theater’s answering machine that only talks and doesn’t take messages)–you receive them and that is the extent of the communication. That’s fine, and right, and all it needs to be now.

    It’d be great if J, N and C were fantastically-behaving children and would stay in bed when you put them there…but in a way, it’s relieving that they’re still themselves, still comfortable enough to push your buttons. This particular issue really stresses me out at the end of a long day; it must be hundred,thousandfold for you. I’m sorry and send my love.

  55. This may come out a little jambled, but I will try..

    We’re but a blink in the lifetime of our humanity; we fade into forgotten. But Jennifer, she’s different. And she’s different because of you. Because you’re making a difference in the world through her.

    Perhaps you are both one and the same. Destined to be together in every life that you ever live. Because you are the catalyst of her life; one always waiting for the other.

    You have fought for her before she was ever born. Fought for her every breath. And fights for her every day by giving her to world to share. What an incredible sacrafice. You’ve fought for her soul to be yours. But it iis and it already was; your soul dependent on her, her soul dependent on you. Entwined: not to exisit without the other. Your journey now is no longer with her, but(!) towards her. And her journey, like yours was just six years ago: is to wait.

    As you go through all these emotions: sorting them, reasoning for them. You are researching yourself, developing yourself, learning a new kind of waiting. Instead of fighting the gluten, fighting the cancer, you’re fighting for knowledge and change. You continue to be her catalyst.

    JLK did it- she waited for you. Let her guide you through this. Your souls know how to communicate.

    You are a different person when you are missing a piece of your soul. But that different person is meant to be different. Is meant to look at the world in a new, sometimes painful, way. There is purpose. You and Jennifer, together, are a catalyst for making positive change in the world. You are both martyrs in a quest for history; to never be forgotten. And more importantly, to never forget each other.

  56. I have been reading for a while now but have not commented. I have wanted to but I literally cannot see my phone’s keyboard through the tears. I cry for your family every time I read. Your writing is so raw. So real. So gut wrenching. I have learned so much by reading your words.

    I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for the heartbreaking loss of your beautiful daughter, Jennifer. Life can truly be cruel and unfair. You have had to endure something that no parent should ever have to endure. I will never forget your sweet Jennifer. She may not be here in her physical form but oh my is her beautiful spirit sparkling and shining through. What a brave little girl.

    I will continue to pray for comfort and peace for your entire family. I will pray that your wonderful memories of her stay fresh in your mind always until you are able to be with her again.

  57. Someone who touches lives is a life not wasted. Jennifer has already touched more lives than many of us who are adults. Never give up, Libby. Jennifer would want you to stay with Jonathan and your other children.

  58. She will never be forgotten. The impact her life has had will always be there. Maybe not always at the very front but always there. My 13 year old lost a friend 2 weeks into kindergarten. This year for his 13th birthday the 7th grade class went and spent some time at the cemetery celebrating with songs, laughter, memories and yes some tears . She will be remembered always.

  59. I will not forget about you or Jennifer.I know the feeling of just wanting to make sure her memory lives on and everyone knows she was once here and what a perfect little girl she is.I was behind in reading your blog just because I was caught up in my own grief as I was reaching the first birthday without her and the 1 year anniversary of my daughter Kylie.A couple of nights ago I awoke about 1am and caught up on your blog.After falling back to sleep I had a dream that we had met and we were sharing pictures of our beautiful girls and their wish trips.Even though it was a dream I remember feeling that it was nice to share with someone who really gets what I am going through.It’s nice to have family that care but until it happens to a person they can’t possibly know the extreme pain.My kids don’t talk about their sister much and sometimes it saddens me but then there is the times when they will say remember when Kylie did,they are good at remembering the little things that now can bring a smile to my face.I don’t think we as parents we really forget but I think for me I have to push some things to the back of my mind cause plain and simply I wouldn’t be able to function.In my dream I told you that I was kind of jealous of how driven you are,as far as working on doing a non profit and making sure Jennifers memory lives on. I wish I could be like you.Continued prayers.

    1. I am so sorry for the awful anniversary you just had to have. I love to talk to other moms who have been in my shoes as well so your drea makes total sense

  60. I was 8 and a little boy I barely knew passed away from cancer. He didn’t attend my school. He attended my cousin’s church and I only saw him once or twice a year. He had a brain tumor. But we went to his funeral to support my cousin and his family and I’ve never ever ever forgotten him. His name was Michael. It’s been about 20 years since he passed away, and I still think of him. Never underestimate the impact of Jennifer and her memory. If I still remember Michael’s smile 20 years after his death, and I was a little girl who barely knew him at the time, just imagine the people who will still remember Jennifer and think of her 20, 30, 40 years from now.

    My mother in law lost her brother in an accident when he was 16 and she was 15. They were VERY close and it was devastating to her family and everyone that knew him. He died in 1974. Last month a friend of his from high school passed away from natural causes. At his funeral, his brother told my mother in law that although he was married and could have been buried at a family plot, he specifically wanted to be buried at the same cemetery as his old friend who he had lost 40 years before. He never forgot him and the good times they had, and when he got sick, he requested his family bury him there. We were all deeply touched by this gesture. My MIL cried as she said, “It’s wonderful to hear that he didn’t forget him after all of these years…” And likewise, Jennifer won’t be forgotten either.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *