powerless

Today was a day of opposites. Of highs and lows.

This morning I woke up. And missed her still. A continuation of the longing I felt last night. I strapped on my shoes and went for a run. It wasn’t a good run though. It was slow and hot ..

As I ran I realized how powerless I have felt through out all of this. Powerless to stop her from dying. Powerless to stop her from being in pain.. powerless to bring her back.

.. and now. Powerless to remember her the way I want to.

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I dont get it. I feel horrible about it. Even ashamed about it.

My memories of her feel so flat. So two dimensional. Like a photograph. Not the way I want them to be. I want them to be real. I want to remember what it felt like to hold .. the weight of her.. . in my arms. It doesn’t even have to be the healthy soft weight she had for most of her years… Right now I would be satisfied with the skeletal form I felt in those final days.

Just something with depth.

But my arms don’t remember.

I want to have the memory of the way her hair felt when I braided it.. or the way her lashes felt when she gave me butterfly kisses.

My hands can’t…and my face doesn’t.

IMG_0509So much of this journey my power has been taken from me. I cannot believe the way I remember her is another example of that. This has shocked me.

I haven’t written about it because it scares me so much. And I am horrified by it. If I write it.. it makes it real. But it is real. Right now anyways… my sincere hope is that this is temporary. That I will again remember the feel of her hand in mine.

A complete memory.

When I came home I saw my car in the street. Under our beloved cherry blossom tree…covered in them..and knew it was time.

The day she died we tried to get into the car and I just couldn’t. Its probably the worst break down I have had to date.. IMG_2818When we opened up the doors and I saw her seat… knowing she would never occupy it again…I just crumbled. I have so many visions of her during radiation getting buckled in by whoever was with us that day as the Charlotte cuddler. I remember getting her into her seat to go see Frozen. She was so excited. I remember how she used to be able to buckle herself and her brothers in…before the tumor stole that from her…With all the traveling back and forth from Stanford Jennifer and I had made so many recent memories in my car.

My mind doesnt really let me remember too much before her birthday. Before the day we learned some cancers are terminal upon diagnosis. I am guessing its another one of my natural safety mechanisms.

So we avoided my car. Moved the carseats into Tonys.

Today was different. Tony had already taken out her booster seat. So now its just a empty space… her space. But I was more prepared for the visual reality of that.

I love my car. I always so desperately wanted to be a minivan mom…

I got my keys and pulled it into the driveway. I took a lot of pictures. I am doing a good job of remembering to take pictures before I clean or change things. I know I expose myself and my deepest grief through this blog….but its on my terms and it still feels safe.

IMG_4106Today in my driveway cleaning out the car… I felt so exposed.

I found shoes.. and hairbands..and stuffed animals.  I found her school pictures. The 8×10 that she wrote to us on the back..

.. .bags we used for when she was sick…and a receipt for the medicine that was supposed to help her not hurt so badly. Morphine for my 6yr old. I remembered getting those meds the first time and being so shocked that things would get that painful for her. It didn’t seem possible. But it was.. so very quickly.

I cried. A lot. Sobbed actually. I felt so vulnerable.. out in the driveway

..living my grief in the open.

Just when I finished the kids came out to find me. Jonathan came into the car and just stared at something. I’m not sure what.. I didn’t take everything of hers out. I wanted pieces of her to remain, it just felt right.  I am not sure what it is that grabbed him. He turned around and told me he missed sissy. I clutched him… held him like a baby and told him I did too. I cried, hating this change thrust upon us and wishing I could find a way to make sense of all of this for him..

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For them actually. Nicholas is starting to question. Trying to sort out in his little 2 yr old mind where sissy is and when she will be coming back. He is starting to put things aside for her. He wanted me to take her pinkie out of my bed so she could come get it.

Jennifer adored Nicholas. She was always so proud of him and he always me her smile.

Today in my minivan he wanted to put sissy’s seat back.

 

We came in and ate some and played some. I felt emptied. So much emotion cleaned me out.

.. which is good because that digging into the low allowed space for the high of tonight.

Our little town… our amazing and strong little town…came together for us. A fundraiser for our family…and our cause was thrown for us tonight. We knew very few people that attended. We had never met the people that put it on. These were all strangers that care. ..

Good people doing good things.

I read every blog comment. I hear you say how much of an impact we make. And how much we mean. But to see it…to touch it. It was a honor. Nobody has to read this blog…you chose to. I cannot seem to find the words to express how much it means to me.

Especially now that we all already know the ending…The main character died pretty early in the story didn’t she? I thought most people would fall off after that..after that anticipation was exhausted. Tonight I got to see in living color that people are still standing with us.

We had planned on camping this weekend. But the thought of this event kept popping up. Somehow we both felt drawn to IMG_4111it…trusted in its safety for us.

Tonight was incredible. Our first time being a part of this kind of event. I am so glad we went. It energized me on the non-profit. On the difference we want to make. And who we want to do it for. Its the only way I can accurately demonstrate my gratitude.

I promise to give back all that is being given to us. From everybody enveloping us. Those we know…or met tonight… or support from afar… .

Those speaking her name.

I sit here now. Reliving the highs and lows of the day… And just for a moment.. my memories of her are a little bit different a little more rounded.. a little less flat… Just a little…

I can’t say why. Was it feeling that low or being lifted to my high..?

. . I don’t know and I don’t care..I just want to look through my pictures of her..

because I know soon I will sleep a night of dreams without her.. and awake to a new day..

.. without her.

Again powerless to control my memories of her. So for now. I will gladly take it.

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75 Responses to “powerless”

  1. I wanted to be there so badly tonight. I knew it would be amazing. The love and energy surrounding her Celebration of Life, and all of the moments in between, has made me completely sure of the fact that the bond you, your Jennifer, and your family have grown with so many, is strong in ways I never even knew were possible, there’s no breaking that.

    I’m so happy to hear that you guys went tonight. So, so happy. And I can imagine that having your family there equally meant everything to those who were able to be go. People being there for people. That’s all we have. Sending you so much love tonight, and every night.

    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    1. I had the honor of being there last night at the Fundraiser and met you and grandma…you two are such an inspiration to all of us! May you continue to find peace and strength in Love. Gilroy is a great town and we will continue to be here for you and you’re family. God Bless you!

      A Gilroy Mom, Delia

  2. Libby, the memories will get sharper and rounder with the time… when sorrow becomes bearable. What always helped me to remember things better were smells…it’s amazing what it can trigger in your mind.
    I am sure there will be many good people around you helping your cause and fundraising for a very long time! Just take in their love…
    Praying for you and your whole family xxx

    1. The Hawaiian word for that kind of memory…like when you smell baking bread and remember your grandma…is halia.
      I find it comforting to have a special name for a special memory.

  3. Every night I read your blog before I go to sleep. I live in Melbourne, Australia.
    Every night I hope that when I read it you’ve found a little bit more peace or comfort or a “sign” or something, anything, than the day before. And you are.
    I can imagine what you’re going through…. I just hope you know we will always listen. While you need us too x

  4. The memories will come. Like a real life movie. And you will remember. But for now, your body is protecting you. It’s crazy what the human body is capable of. It’s like your in shock mode for a year or more and then all if a sudden, when you can handle it, your memory comes back. (Hopefully quicker for you)

    Doing things in her name and watching her legacy unfold is going to help you so much. It’s an instant motivator to keep her spirit alive and witness the overwhelming number of lives that have been touched by your baby girl.
    Your doing a tremendous job with all this. No parent should have to endure the pain of losing a child…. But nevertheless, it happens far to often, and somehow, someway, you survive.
    Love and prayers always!

  5. You will remember, I think right now it’s more like a defense mechanism, in a weird way it’s suppose to help you to be able to cope And move on daily. It will slowly come back to you. Little things will trigger it. Don’t worry, you will not forget her.
    On another note, I’m sure I speak for many when I say thank you! Thank you for sharing this precious time with all of us. As long as u keep writing we will keep reading. You are an inspiration to many of us. You are a strong beautiful mom and certainly did not deserve this nor did Jennifer.
    Daily I pray for u and ur family. Daily I hope u find just a little more peace, even if it’s just a smidge. Xoxo

  6. Libby

    We people here in Gilroy care so much about your family
    I can’t even put words around it. We prayed every morning as a school
    At SMS for Jennifer and your family and we continue to do so.
    Gilroy had its arms wrapped around you.

    Andrea

  7. My new prayer for you is that the memories become more 3 dimensional. They do, over time.

    Your family has a lot of support. Because of YOU, and how you bravely share your journey with all of us. Thank you. I am forever changed because of your words and your beautiful daughter. Whenever you decide to get your non profit going, it has my support! If you decide to organize a run in her name, my family and I will be there. She will not be forgotten. She will live on in the things you will do in her name.

  8. I thought you might enjoy this poem I wrote. Every anniversary I write something that reflects where I am at in the grief process and this one is for the 2 year anniversary tomorrow, but I wanted to share it with you today after reading today’s entry. Even though I don’t know you I felt you may appreciate it. <3

    Time flies
    By Jessica Schattenburg

    Time flies
    But not the goodbyes
    Seems only a moment ago
    That wishes were granted
    Hopes and dreams
    All of them dashed
    Ripped at the seams

    You can put pictures away
    Or keep them on display
    You can lock it inside
    Or let it all out
    Whisper when you’re alone
    You can scream and shout
    Doesn’t change much either way
    A single thought, a memory
    It feels like yesterday

    Time is a peculiar thing
    It doesn’t get easier
    That’s just a phrase to say
    Some things come closer
    Some get farther away
    Like clouds that gather
    Yet don’t always make rain
    Grief hovers around you
    Only a forecast for pain

    Believe in yourself
    Hold on to what’s true
    Have faith in your heart
    And all that you do
    Remember life is so full
    Of what’s beautiful too
    Accept you cannot control
    What happens to you
    You are not the decider
    Of what you’ll walk through

    But you will choose
    Whether to soak it in
    Let it wear you down
    Until your soul is thin
    Or to open your heart
    Mend your troubled mind
    Keep moving forward
    Or get stuck in rewind
    Can you pick yourself up
    In spite of it all?
    Find a way out of the storm
    You must make that call

  9. I am glad your family went to the fundraiser and you felt the love and support from your community. It sounds like it was the right thing for you to be at and there is no doubt that Jennifer guided you there. I wish she was still here to give you butterfly kisses, to buckle her brothers in and to be with all of you. I pray for you every day and know that how you are feeling is a direct reflection of how your grief is for you right now. You have so many emotions you are dealing with right now and sometimes you can only handle so much at once. She is with you and all of those moments are still there, when you are ready to feel every second of them again. Sending you love and prayers.

    Vanessa

  10. I am glad you found comfort in the event.

    You have an enormous group of mamas (and daddies) who are on the sidelines cheering you on… we are here.

  11. I’m so glad you enjoyed the night. It was an honor to be a part of it. People really do love you guys and are here for you in big and small ways. Lots of love and hugs your way.

  12. I dread your blogs and I seek yout blogs. I have a goal not to cry everytime i read one. Then at the end I’m sobbing. Everytime. Not misty eyes-its the tears and snot dow. The face shoulders heave cry. Ive never experienced your type of loss an I unashamedley pray every day I never do. But that thing people say about you changing them! TOTALLY true. Like on a basic, fundamental, way one looks at the world and her children change. I ache for you. For all of you. A deepdown in the gut uncomfortable ache that makes me sick. I don’t even know you. But ai am a mother so I know you so well. I am a mother o a 7 year old brown haired little girl-so I know you better still. My brown eyed little blonde haired son just furthers my connection. Your pictures could be my pictures. Youve opened my eyes, my heart, my entire being to something ive never wanted to know or consider or think about. But discomfort and knowledge brings change and power. Powerto READ the blogs, to DONATE to the causes-to seek local families in need and reach out. Youve made thousands step out of their safe little bubble ad face this uncomfortable bullshit head on. I look at my daughter in absloute wonder now. Unabashed joy and gratitude that I have her. Thank you libby. From the bottom of my mothers heart-ehich is broken and forever changed because of you. Thank you.

  13. I’m still here reading every blog you post and I am sharing this in Los Banos. I am sharing the LOVE4JLK and her family to every new person I have met and that i continue to meet in hopes that more and more prayers come from everywhere to you and your family. HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS TO YOU LIBBY AND YOUR FAMILY.

  14. I was at the fundraiser last night, but I could bring myself to say hello. My daughter passed away also.
    I think your blog is a wonderful way to get your feelings out and I hope you continue to write as long as you need to.

    1. I am sorry for your loss Ben and I wish we had gotten the chance to speak. Thank you for your support.. I can only imagine how it magnifies your grief.

  15. Libby,

    We’re all still here. Supporting and loving on your family, even though you don’t know most of us. Your sweet Jennifer has touched our lives profoundly. Nothing can change that.
    🙂

  16. Thinking of you and your family, and of Jennifer and how much love and joy she brought to so many. So, so often. So much love. <3

  17. I read your words everyday. And even though we are strangers, I am so deeply touched. My heart aches and my eyes tear and yes it hurts to feel your pain. But I find it vitally important to read and absorb your words and look at your beautiful pictures of beautiful Jennifer. I hope that every word read by someone else can absorb a tiny bit of your pain. I firmly believe Jennifer is right with you always. Maybe the reason you don’t remember exactly everything you want to right now, is for protection. I hope someday soon you can be together in your dreams and you remember. I hope and pray it can be that way. Always in my thoughts and prayers.

  18. So cliché, but it will get better. It may get worse for a while, or at times, but it will get better. I cry at weddings just sitting in the church before the wedding even starts because I think of never seeing my daughter getting married. Your memories are forever. Right now they may seem like they are painful thoughts, but I can promise that in time they will always bring a smile to your heart.

  19. Libby, I don’t know you, but I continue to follow your story, JLK’s story. Thank you for being so candid here on this blog. Thank you for continuing to share your story. I believe that JLK is not done leaving her glittery mark on this world even though she now must do so as an angel. I know her non-profit will make a difference…a difference that has already started. Continued prayers for you and your family.

  20. Libby, I choose to read, I choose to pray for your family daily, I choose to be here. And I will continue to choose to do all of the above every day. Love and hugs!

  21. Libby, I wanted so badly to go but the event sold out before I could grab at the chance…and I wanted to go to tell you in person, thank you. Thank you for allowing us to learn through your pain, your wisdom, your love for Jennifer. I consider myself a better person because of Jennifer, a better mother because of you. Gilroy is a great little community, I am a life long Gilroyan and I have witnessed throughout the years how we all come together when it counts. Trust me, we are all with you, praying for you, ready to participate in your non-profit…at least I know I am. I have lost so many family members to cancer, too many…and we thought it must be something genetic, DNA and all that, but then DNA tests revealed the cancer that was taking so much of my family is due to environmental factors. WTF?! So I have spent these past few nights comparing maps of cancer cases in the U.S. compared to maps of locations of things like cell phone towers, nuclear power plants. Am I crazy?! I just don’t understand all this cancer, and babies who are killed because of it, why the hell should ANY child get a fatal illness like this? It is f-ing unacceptable to me, I am SICK of so many people dying because of this, people I love being destroyed slowly. I don’t want Jennifer or anyone’s cancer be in vain and I am ready to tackle this however I might be able to, and I just think in order to find a cure, we need to determine a cause.

    Anyway, I know you are still grieving, of course…you will always miss your precious baby girl. However, when you get back to that place, of fighting for a cure, to make sense of all this…I and many others, got your back!

    Who can look into those big, beautiful brown eyes…that cute little grin, and forget her? Never.

  22. I am still here listening. I have three teenagers, but I also have a four year old little girl. Every time I look at her, I am reminded of Jennifer. It is so crazy! I can’t even possibly understand what your going through. And, I am so sorry. So very, very sorry.

  23. I read your blog everyday, and I am so proud of how you are expressing your grief (is a stranger’s pride important? I hope so.).

    Sending love to you from across the country <3

    Diana

  24. Thinking of you and praying for 3-dimensional memories
    when your mind and body can handle them. As others have said,
    It seems as though it is shock keeping you where you are. I cannot say
    I understand where you’ve been, but I grieve for you regardless.
    Sending you love and comfort in the little things.❤.

  25. I am still here reading, lisstening, praying and thinking if you, your family and of beautiful Jennifer every single day. I will never forget her. Or you. ♡

  26. Libby, this community in Gilroy is great. Everyone is here to support you and your family. As a teacher at Christopher HS, I hear staff and students talking about you and your family everyday. We want to make things better for you.
    You are an incredible person and I hope that I can be half the mother that you are to my 2 little ones. You are the strongest mother I know. Keep up what you are doing because everything you are dong is right for your family.
    Thank you for being so honest and true in your blog. I read it everyday.
    Lots of love to you and your family.
    -Catherine (Hallada) Nohr (SFHS classmate)

  27. Sometimes when I am cooking or cleaning I pop up FB on my phone just to “see” whats happening. (Nosey) 🙂 when I see your blog I either stop what I am doing or wait until there is time to read it. It always touches me … spins me away for a time. It gives me renewed gratitude for healthy grandchildren …. strength because if YOU can get through it all who am I to complain about … well anything? Then there is the grief. A child I never met … a family I will never really know but are a part of my life. Every.night I pray for Jennifer’s mom. Jennifer’s MOM. ♥♥♥♥♥ we are spirit having a human experience. One that teaches or is being taught. The concept doesn’t make it easier. Blessings and love from Ohio.

  28. Libby, I know it’s not right timing to say this to you but when I grow up I want to be just like the mom you are. I am only 18 and in High School. But I know some day I want a husband just like Tony who will be my best friend

  29. Sending thoughts of peace and faith from the East Coast. I have read the entire blog, finding it after this monster called DIPG took the life of my son’s classmate in August, and another young girl in our area a few weeks later. Thank you for bravely putting yourself out there for all to see what this evil horrible murderous thief of a disease does to children and their families. Thank you for being so truthful.
    I wish there was something I could say to ease your family’s pain. I know there’s not. Just know that there are people that care, and I am certainly one of them. I will remember your Jennifer whenever I wrote my own name.

  30. Sending thoughts of peace and faith from the East Coast. I have read the entire blog, finding it after this monster called DIPG took the life of my son’s classmate in August, and another young girl in our area a few weeks later. Thank you for bravely putting yourself out there for all to see what this evil horrible murderous thief of a disease does to children and their families. Thank you for being so truthful.
    I wish there was something I could say to ease your family’s pain. I know there’s not. Just know that there are people that care, and I am certainly one of them. I will remember your Jennifer whenever I write my own name.

  31. Much like myself, I’m sure there are more people cheering you on than you know. A friend of mine from college surprised me..when I went to tell her a little bit about your situation, she already had heard of your family and was reading your blog. She said “everyone in the bay area knows about JLK…we’re all praying for them”! People who don’t even know you are with you even if we don’t always leave comments. Myself and many others are keeping you close in our heart.

  32. I didnt get to meet you but I care and read your blog every day. You are doing such a great job for your children.. All 4. I know you will see to it that Jennifer will live on through you and your children will know her and keep her memory alive through them. Prayers and thoughts sent your way.

  33. I remember for a long time after my mom died having a feeling I described as “floating around inside my own body”. It was so hard to connect with my own emotions and memories. Maybe it was shock or maybe some sort of numbing defense, I don’t know. Over time it was like I settled back into my own skin. I was different but I felt like I could reach out and touch something and actually feel it. Then I could feel the memories to. Really feel them, not just try to force myself. Before that I was ashamed of how I wasn’t able to remember her properly. For even longer my memories of her were of caring for her when she was ill. It took longer for the healthy, happy memories to outweigh the ones during that time. The final thing to change was the version of her who visits my dreams. In my dreams she always had cancer. When I got pregnant she finally came to me as a healthy person, as herself before cancer. I don’t know what ANY of that means but I guess I can relate to feeling like the way you are grieving and how you are remembering and even thinking about this person you love being totally out of your control. When you thought that at least that would be the one thing you COULD control. It isn’t easy, none of this is. The prayers love and support keep coming your way. This journey is for a lifetime and the love is as well.

  34. Congratulations on your baby step to recovery! So glad to hear that you were at the fundraiser taking in all the love and continued support!! Praying for bravery! Praying for for peace and understanding…praying for all if you and never forgetting beautiful Jennifer. Smiles

  35. Before I read, I say a prayer. I pray, “Please God, help me to absorb some of Libby’s pain and release just a little bit of her’s.” Cancer is a monster of a disease and it’s not right for you to bear this pain alone, so I pray to take some of it for you. I hope the sadness that I feel when I read your words, helps relieve some of your despair.

  36. I didn’t make it to the fundraiser Libby and I’m sorry. No sitter available for us last night but we are still standing with you, still praying and still reading your blog. I am so happy that you found some (dare I say it) joy, and support there. I truly hope you were able to embrace the love surrounding you. One word of advice for when you are desperate to hold onto a stronger memory of Jennifer: 1st take a deep breath and let go of the worry that you will forget about her completely (this wold never happen and God would never allow it) then find some scent that reminds you the most of her. Scent is so powerful, like your mom’s cookies that can instantly take you to a time and place. Also sound- songs will take you to a memory too. The happy ones. Six years after my mom’s passing I still eat my her favorite green salad with crab and french dressing washed down with iced tea exactly like she made it. I do this on her birthday or any time Im feeling the feelings you are right now. Hope this helps. HUGS

  37. Libby, I am still here, reading daily. Praying many times a day. Thank you for sharing so openly. Peace be with you. <3

  38. I think of you and your sweet Jennifer often. She has touched so many lives through you and your words, Libby. So much love to you and your family <3

  39. Thank you for sharing you and your family through here. Thank you for your grace last night when I just had to give you a real hug instead of the ones I have sent through the computer. Last night was just wow. I loved your reference to trees, one of my favorite things, and how some of us are here with old, strong roots and some are transplants with new ones. No matter old roots or new roots, our arms are strong, open, and ready to embrace. I loved sitting with your family and sharing inside jokes and laughs. You are all good people.

    Jennifer’s selfie makes me smile. We are here, and we care deeply.

  40. Praying for you continually that God’s comfort and peace will develop in your heart. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but lift you in prayer daily. Hugs.

  41. What a special town! I wish I lived in Gilroy, so I could have been there last night and hugged you all. But I am hugging you now, as I continue to join my prayers with the thousands of others who care from afar.

    In my opinion, you are moving at just the right pace, Libby, because it is YOUR pace. Deep breaths, slow steps. Going forward whenever you can. The fog will gradually dissipate, and you will FEEL Jennifer again.

    How awesome to read all of these comments, from all ages and from all over the world, wanting only to bless and help you. Thank you for bringing us all together by trusting us with your heart. We will treat it with gentle care, and in return, we share our hearts with you.

  42. I read your blogs often and always have a good cry. I was born and raised in Gilroy but live in San Diego now. Just know there are people everywhere praying for you and thinking about you and your family.

  43. Please reach out to a woman named Maya Thompson on Facebook. She lost her son, Ronan, to cancer two years ago and has a blog rockstarronan.com You remind me a lot of her and I think maybe she could help you as you walk this tragically unfair path. I am so, SO very sorry for your loss. I hope your daughter’s beautiful spirit wraps you in her arms and brings comfort that only she can bring. You and your family are in the thoughts and prayers of many!

  44. Libby

    I live in Adelaide, Australia and reading your blog is the first thing
    I do when I get up in the morning. I never met Jennifer but through your writing I feel like I have been able to get to know her and you, and that is an amazing gift. I pray that your memories of your little girl get rounder and sharper with time. I pray that you find a way to live and breathe again that doesn’t cause you so much anguish, yet allows you to hold your Jennifer close to your heart, and honour her. I pray for Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte. I pray for you and Tony and your relationship. I pray for peace and comfort and love. Because it’s the only small act of love and service I can offer, I pray every day. Xx

    If it helps you, please keep writing. I will always listen. Even though I don’t always comment I am always here

    So much love to you and your family.

  45. I’m another Gilroy local. My Upward cheer team was part of Just One. One of my cheer Mom’s started it as she lost her 13 year old niece almost exactly one year ago. Another cheer Mom mentioned that she had a friend that was reached about JLK in Africa. It was before she shared herself . I believe in you and the amazing power that God is putting in your life to fight this monster. You will know what the next step is and when you are ready to take it. I’m honored to be just a little part of this work.

  46. Libby,
    I am still reading your blog. Why? You inspire me to be the best mom and the best person I can be. You inspire me by having the strength to write about something so painful. You have inspired me to fight with you and others against this cancer, to do what we can to help those trying to figure it out. I am in school at UCSF to be a health care provider (Physical Therapy), and your story resonates with so much that I am learning in school – like trying to understand what a patient and their family and loved ones are going through in order to figure out the best treatment.

    I think about you and your family every day. My heart aches for you and Tony and your kids. Just know, I’m one more person here to listen to your story….

  47. I’ve been reading since JLK was diagnosed, but have never commented before. I don’t know why I’m commenting now, other than to say that your story has touched my life. Praying that every day gets just a little bit easier.

  48. You are amazing, so strong, and inspiring. You are so thoughtful of others even in this time of grief. Thank you for sharing so much because it really makes me appreciate how lucky I really am.

  49. Still here. Will be. Wish I could have been there for you. If I still lived in Hayward I would have….still praying. Thanks to kathy for sharing that special word. Now a part of my vocabulary and will forever be connected to Jennifer. So now every time I have one of those moments it will have Jennifer in it too. Even more special.

  50. I can believe the car has a lot of memory triggers. I remember during the years of infertility I just wanted to have a kid in the backseat, and us on the way to Disneyland. Maybe that was part of your minivan mom fantasy too. Carseats are loaded with tender memories: clicking them in, keeping them safe, their dependence on you to put them in and take them out. I’m so sorry you had a hard time cleaning out the car and taking out the booster. Thank God for Gilroy and its good people.

  51. I miss her, Libby, and I never met her. I hope that you felt rounded, because you saw that there are real people in this with you, and if that is why – look out, we’ll continue to round it out. You and your family are loved and covered in prayer. I don’t understand my God in this, but I know I’m supposed to trust him. Blessings and all my love to you.

  52. im here….im read….from far away…..i choose remember even i did not know her….i care…im colombian…im spechless like always….i hate dipg

  53. oh you will always remember her Libby… Jennifer will continue to live in your heart… Not 2 dimensional, not 3 dimensional… Just beautiful forever 6 Jennifer… And you will not loose her again.

    Please keep on writing. Please keep on telling the world what we need to hear. Please help us understand.

  54. Hi Libby, I know this is so incredibly hard for you, but I want you to know that each night I hold my son and daughter just a little bit longer and squeeze them just a little bit longer. Its like you love for Jennifer has not only continued on with her into the next life, but its growing in others in this life too… like an organ donation, except the love you are donating gets to be shared many times over with our own kids, rather than just one recipient. What an amazing gift you are giving to all of us, to cherish our loved ones all the more, a priceless gift befitting the all too high price you paid. Your love for Jennifer is spreading like wildfire in the rest of us.

  55. Libby,
    Since I first heard in early November about Jennifer I have prayed for her every night as I rocked my now 19mo old little boy. He has a CD that is played each night of lullaby hymns that now remind me of Jennifer.
    Know that each night since early Nov I have prayed for Jennifer, Jonathan, Nicholas, baby Charlotte, Tony and you and I will continue to do so. I am frequently reminded of Jennifer and I can not imagine the consuming thoughts you feel.
    My most vivid image of her is at the library story time, when you were pregnant, talking about her being such a mother hen with her wings covering her chicks (one under each wing). She was an amazing little girl and a living example of sass, spunk, individuality, confidence, compassion and unconditional love.
    Praying that you find comfort in God’s loving arms.
    Sarah

  56. The further you get from the shock of it all, the more real her memory will become. You won’t lose it. I promise. It’s all in there, and eventually all of your senses will align and you’ll recall her scent, her touch, her weight in your arms, everything. It’s just so new right now that your mind hasn’t grasped it yet. But it will come. Hold onto the hope that it will.

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