darker

Darkness…I have swallowed it in.

There is a difference between wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself. I never knew that before.

…now I know it. Now I live it.

or rather am barely surviving it.

And I feel lucky that Tony can totally understand it. Because right now the tears are so strong …the pain so vulgar. ..I start to wonder how I am going to survive it.

That’s why I couldn’t blog last night. I was blinded by it all.

Submerged in the darkness.

A night with waking babies..all 3 of my living ones. Normally I would be tired but appreciative of it. I would remember to be grateful..admittedly a exhausted grateful….but still I would remember in the morning how lucky I am. I was honestly always aware that motherhood is life’s greatest blessing and of how quickly this time passes. I know it sounds cliche..but I was that cliche.

family pic
***My parents, Siblings/spouses and their kids***

The highest benefit of being on the younger side of a large family. Seeing my nephews and nieces grow…how quickly time passes.

Now the sharpest downside. Now that hardest part of my placement in the large family. Seeing them grown…and knowing how much I will miss out on. Knowing I can never get this time, this right now, back…I am blind to it in the dark.

I can’t seem to find that feeling….that emotional connection to the thankfulness for what I have, part of me anymore. And the loss of that adds yet another layer to this pain. It was a piece of me I really liked.

IMG_3935Yesterday we went for a walk. With all of Jonathan’s emotional outbursts it took us 45 minutes to get a block. He was trying so hard though…to work it out and work through it. Eventually we made it to the levy. Walking here…was always one of Jennifer’s favorite things to do. I hoped it would make us all feel connected to her.

So this morning I really tried to be better. Still I cried. Jonathan brought me stuffed animals and gave me hugs to try to heal my pain. He is truly stepping up so quickly to be the new oldest. I talked with him that it isn’t his job to take care of me. But I feel so special and loved that he is trying…(the word I left out to him is “should”) …since I know I should feel those things..and thats what he needs me to feel..But his light cannot seem to penetrate my dark yesterday and today.

..It sounds so silly…only 2 days I have felt like this. But the days are passing so slowly…not even 3 weeks since I last kissed her or felt her weight in my arms.

When Tony got up I went for a run. Again in the rain. Its so freeing to run in the rain. So few people and the cold and wet gave me comfort.

Today I took my phone to listen to music. I listened to the station we played almost non stop her last 36 hours. And quite a lot the days before. And I sang and I sobbed. ..Both loudly. And I smiled too. It was cathartic and I probably looked crazy. But now you will know if you see somebody running and crying and singing…maybe you can spare a little..grace…

When I made it back home I wanted to finish the song so I walked past our home. And as I listened and cried I looked at my neighbors homes. And I wondered if they had any heartaches in their lives?? Are they living in some sort of a nightmare too?

You cant tell. I wish I could shroud our home in black…and myself…so that everybody just knew. Jonathan wanted to go to a pizza parlor for dinner. He has never made that request. The only restaurant we have ever eaten at is Red Robin since they have kid friendly gluten free options.

I wanted to…but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

….sorry buddy..

I have one tattoo. I got it at the end of our infertility journey. Its cherry blossoms…with petals for each embryo we put in with IVF…and petals falling for every miscarriage.

DSC_0425From a Huffington post article..”The significance of the cherry blossom tree in Japanese culture goes back hundreds of years. In their country, the cherry blossom represents the fragility and the beauty of life. It’s a reminder that life is almost overwhelmingly beautiful but that it is also tragically short. When the cherry blossom trees bloom for a short time each year in brilliant force, they serve as a visual reminder of how precious and how precarious life is.”

I noticed how they are blooming on my street and also in front of our home….I used to love them. But this year…the verdict is still out…

today I wanted to rip every bloom down and crush them in my hands and under my feet….but then through out the day I looked out our windows and looked at the tree with an almost longing.

 

Jonathan is still questioning and sorting things out in his head. Bedtime tonight took a bit longer..just to help him settle his heart and his mind. I am trying so hard to answer his questions with truth…

but without my darkness..

I hope I did ok..because tonight I am drowning in it. It can’t get any darker…

But..then again..

on more than one occasion

…I’ve thought that before…

DSC_0514

88 Responses to “darker”

    1. keep writing….we are listening….we are here, we are moms we can’t imagine but know …..we are here and your girl won’t be forgotten…..

    2. As I lay hear in tears reading your story my heart goes out to you and your family. You are a truly amazing human being and your little girl such angel. May God see you through this. My love and prayers go out to u and your family. Hugs

  1. So sorry for your pain, Libby and Tony. I don’t know what else to say. Hoping for you to find your way out of the darkness.

  2. Oh, Libby! If the pain I feel just reading you feels so deep, I can’t imagine what you are feeling inside. I am so so sorry! I want so badly to take some of it away for you, I truly do. I want to run to you and help you, somehow. There are hundreds of people who know and care for what happens inside that house that looks just like any other house. I don’t know if that means anything to you, but even without it neing covered by black, we know. I know and mourn for you every day. And I am so freaking mad and sorry! So sorry for all of you. I love you all.

  3. Love. You will come out of that because she will help you. Oh Mama, sending you good energy and love. It’s the beginning to a new journey and she will ride it with you.

  4. Out of the darkness came the light…a part of Creation…there is hope for a new beginning. There will come a day when you wake up and find a way to start over without the physical presence of sweet Jennifer. I pray for that day to come and lessen the pain of living without her.

  5. God bless you, Libby. I know He is the only one who can touch pain so deep, and He promises, “Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” I know those words don’t help now. Just know that you are surrounded by countless who are lifting you up. We love you.

  6. Please……not preaching, but praying…. “The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness does not overcome it.” The Light is stronger…..strongest. Lord Jesus, be the Light for Libby.

  7. you can do this. it’s only been a couple weeks. you will be there for your babies and Tony. it’ll come. keep hugging them and listening. Listen to your heart – you’ll travel on this path and bring your family with you. And yes, you have neighbors who i know are experiencing things that are tough for them. Cancer and heartache. Somehow this child grief is so sharp and piercing it seems the worst to me but it’s their loved ones. Libby you can do this day to day living. they all need you so much and sometimes it might seem unfair to ask it of you but it’s important. You’re important. thinking of you each day and hoping for comfort and grace for you !!

  8. A heavy heart is a terrible burden for one to carry.. you will survive this. When the time is right you will continue this battle with courage and grace. Every house in this town does have their own sorrows and tears. Many are shared with you as we grieve with you and your family.

  9. Our Comfort
    Christ mourned at the tomb of Lazarus,
    He realized the loss,
    The darkness of “the valley”,
    The shadows of the Cross,
    The bitter grief at parting,
    The pain that mothers feel;
    He wept, though He was ready
    The human grief to heal.

    Oh, there are tears for dying,
    And heart-break by the grave;
    There’s a loneliness and sighing;
    But Christians should be brave.
    For One who passed before us
    Came back that we might see
    That soul-life is eternal;
    Let this your comfort be.

    by Dorothy Dix Porges

    Jesus is the Light at the end of the tunnel,
    You WILL come out on the other side.
    Praying you will have faith to see Him in the darkness,
    Even if you don’t have the strength to take one step at a time,
    He will pick you up and carry you until you can crawl and the He will
    Hold you by the hand, until you can take baby steps and He will NOT let you fall. As you ran in the rain, I pray that He will show you that you will
    Run in the sunlight and feel joy once again.

    1. Keeping you in my prayers. Such a loss there really is nothing anyone can say. Take one day at a time and somedays you may need to take it an hour at a time.

  10. You are stronger than the darkness. Dont let it win. You have thousands of people lifting you up, your little love, JLK, did that. He & JLK are with you now whispering to you. I pray you are overwhelmed with it.

  11. The loss of a child takes so much more than the child.It’s hard enough to deal with the loss but then to have to have all these mixed up feelings going on makes it worse.For me I felt just like and empty shell with no emotion except for sadness.I know everybody says it,they’ve said it to me to it’s just going to take time.I wish I could bring yours and mine back and make all the pain go away.I just look forward to the day when we will see them again.Continued prayers for healing and brighter days ahead.

  12. My heart aches for you Libby. I am so sorry.

    The things you seem to be feeling and doing are so “normal”. Even though that shouldn’t be your “new normal” right now. You will have days where some are better than others, that is okay. You seem to be doing this with as much grace as anyone can possibly have. You are doing great, keep moving. It’s easier to stay still when you hurt so much, but moving – running, going for walks – this is great for your healing! I can’t begin to imagine your pain, but you are doing amazing. Please continue to be kind to yourself.

    Sending lots of love, as I do daily.

  13. What I wouldn’t give to take any amount of pain from your heart and mind…I hate that you all have been forced to live in this reality, and hate isn’t nearly a strong enough word. You’re always on my mind and I pray that the darkness passes quickly (please, God, let it pass quickly), and that the light finds you, surrounds and envelops you, and holds you upright as it has before. My heart continues to remain with you all. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  14. I remember feeling the same way, I wasn’t suicidal but how much better is it to feel that if you found out you were going to die tomorrow, you would actually be cool with it? These days are the darkest, the saddest, the most surreal. But they are survivable. Unless someone has lost a child, they just don’t get it. But continue blogging. Let them “kinda” see what it’s like. Maybe it will help others to see how good they really have it.

  15. My heart hurts so deeply for you. And I know that there is nothing that can ease this pain right now – surely not words from a stranger. Nonetheless I am so very sorry for the horrific grief you and your family are suffering.

  16. I wish I had the power and words to bring some light into your life. Like many times before, you and Jennifer have changed me. We have a cherry blossom tree in our backyard. I will remember. I will help you fight. As always, sending my love, prayers and support.

  17. Be gentle with yourself. There is every reason to feel every emotion you are feeling….you love Jennifer completely, and you will grieve against the wrongness of her passing completely. Part of her being gone is that she has gone on ahead, and is bathed in light…..that light will find its’ way back to you. Until then, I pray all our love and prayers will be like flickers of candles in the darkness to remind you that you are loved and we are here. Bless you Libby, keep running, toward every little light

  18. Libby. We love you. I hate that this is happening and has happened. I guess it’s just the grieving process. I can’t say I understand your loss but this is all part of it. You’re going to have dark days- I’m surprised you haven’t spoken of more- you are allowed to have dark days. No one is giving you a time limit of how long and when you should grieve. It is all your own. Just know that she is still here- her spirit and she is home with the only person that could love her as much as you do. Hugs

  19. Like Misty said, the loss of a child takes way more than “only” the child. It feels like it takes everything you once were, and leaves a shell of a person trying to find her way. You are in such a dark, dark place, Libby. It will be the darkest time in your life…but you will get through it. I feel like if I could get through it, then you most certainly can. You are a wonderful mother and person, with such a core of light that will burn the darkness out…in time. I remember the “not suicidal, but wanting to die” feeling. You want relief, from the constant pain and loathing you feel. It is not even comprehensible to anyone not in “the club”. I am glad you have this place to get some of your feelings out. I’m here if you need me. I promise. The darkness doesn’t scare me. I have lived in it, and I’m still here.

  20. Continued prayers daily, sometimes hourly, for some comfort to you and your family. Keep running or walking, keep blogging, and reach out whenever you feel darkest. It will swallow you whole if you let it. Cancer sucks. I know your angel is with you in those darkest times-watch for her.

  21. I want to say something to help. I just pray. I’m here for you. Reading and praying. And will be.

  22. Grief can be all-consuming, and then it floats away for a moment, almost to give you a short break. Before it comes back like a tsunami. This I know, and have somehow accepted as my new normal.
    My thoughts are with you all.

  23. Praying for you and your family. Specifically I pray that you allow grace to seep in and allow you to just “be” and not worry about how you are measuring up.

    Those of us on the outside can see how beautifully you are continuing to parent while you grieve. I pray you can see the same truth we do.

    Hugs and blessings….

  24. I am so sorry Libby. I dont know what else to say. Its ok to feel the way you do. There is no wrong or right way to feel in a time like this. I think and pray for you, Jennifer and your family every single day. We all love you Libby and are here for you.

  25. You will feel connected again. It’s so hard when you are so grief stricken, your brain and your heart struggle with getting through each day and hour and minute and it is overwhelming. Your body and brain shut things out for self preservation. I really think you’d die of a broken heart if it didn’t. It’s part of that whole grace thing even if it feels like the opposite.

  26. Libby, your ability to share your thoughts, feelings and emotions in such a raw, honest way, is a true gift. I’m glad you have continued your blogging. I hope through this darkness it brings you some light, eventually. As always, our continued thoughts and prayers are with you all.

  27. I’m so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. Please don’t feel guilty about your kids- you are a fantastic mother and I am sure they feel it. The dark times are terrifying and painful but IT WILL GET BETTER!

  28. I wish I could steal your pain so you can climb out of the dark tunnel you live in today. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We cannot tell you how to find that light. Only you can find that light. And all we can do is pray for you. Pray that one day you will stand up and rise your hands up in the air and be Yourself again. Time is what your against. And I pray that you find that light sooner rather than later. Your 3 little ones need your light. Tony needs your light to light up the house again. With love cheer and joy. Fight the darkness out. Do not let it wrap your soul. Break free and restore your light back. Don’t give up, don’t give in. I will continue to pray for you Libby and everyone else at home. We love you.

  29. Libby, I knew something was up when you didn’t write. I will pray extra hard when we don’t hear from you. I believe that you will get those feelings back of appreciation. They are part of your core personality.

  30. Libby,
    I am truly sorry for what you’re going through. My heart breaks for you every moment of every day thinking about what you have endured. I pray God give you comfort and peace and understanding to know why he is taking your precious little girl from you far too soon. I know you do not know me but I have been reading your blog for a while now. I think all you can do in this moment is put 1 foot in front of another and keep moving forward. You have to you have 3 more beautiful children that are relying on you to show them the light. Take care…I know this is not an easy season of you life. Praying for you always!

    Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” (Luke 1:78, 79 NLT)

  31. Just thinking of you and your family Libby. You are doing everything exactly right. You will never look back and regret the way you mourned your daughter. You have to mourn so Jonathan can mourn. You have to show him how to let the black hurt out, it is toxic. It is hard to do that, especially in front of people, especially for a boy. He needs to know it’s ok. Mommy hurts, He hurts, daddy hurts, Nicholas hurts, it’s ok to hurt. To hurt but also to move and to do things that won’t take the hurt away, but it will help him to smile again. In ten years Jonathan will still miss his best friend and he might still come and cry with you. It is ok to hurt, and to love someone so far away. It is ok to show Jonathan your pain so he knows his pain is right. Lots of hugs, I will keep praying.

  32. Can’t think of a damn thing to say to that. I’m so sad you are living this literal nightmare. More than sad: but there’s not a word that conveys it. Destroyed?

    Despite having no good words, I wanted to post in solidarity and in kinship with you.

  33. Praying for you always Libby. Grief is such a terribly hard thing, I’m praying for your families strength during this time.

  34. Libby, I am so sorry for the deep pain you feel and this darkness you are in. At the same time I can’t imagine you feeling any

    1. different given the loss you have suffered. I think about what you have said about unraveling the thread. Maybe that is what you have now. A thread- tiny, weak, barely there- but a thread to hang onto just to keep you from drowning. Maybe this thread is the opposite and instead of unraveling it, it is what you can eventually use to start to weave things back together. But for now all you have to do is try and survive. Try to hang on to that thread or grab hold again after it slips away. Praying for all of you even more now. <3

  35. Jennifer is in my thoughts often. I’ve often battled over shoes with my daughter. And now, I don’t. You inspired me Libby. I hope you know, that even in the darkest moments Jennifer is still shining for the world, and I imagine she would have approved the awfully awesome outfit my daughter picked out yesterday. Sparkles, mixed patterns, and the finest Xmas shoes to top it off on a rainy Sunday in Feb.

    Prayers of peace to you and your own.

  36. I’m pretty sure that someone would have to stop me if one of my children padded. I would want to go with them, I’m their momma and momma’s deep their children. But your other precious children would be left with no momma, while Jennifer is safe with all who went before her. And those 3 babies are your tether to this earth. And one day they will have their momma back, not the”old” one, but the one who can through sheer willpower be the new best she can be.

  37. Thinking of you all every day. I wish, more than anything, that I could help. One minute at a time, I guess. Sending love <3

  38. I am so, so sorry Libby. I am thinking of you and praying for you often. I hope the storm relents soon, but until then, run and sing into the rain all you need. ((HUGS))

  39. I wish the pain could be wiped away as a tear from your cheek. Sending you love Libby. I hope light finds you soon.

  40. Like so many I don’t have words to offer, because I don’t feel any word is sufficient but I want to post to let you know how so many people care about you and your family. I, like so many, read your blog with tears running down my face because your pain is evident in your writing. And I, like so many, wish we could ease that pain, but we can’t. I pray daily for you and your family.

  41. Oh Libby, there are no words to express the sadness I feel for the loss of you angel. I pray that the days get brighter with the hope of seeing your sweet girl again!!!
    Please listen to this song it is so beautiful anf full of hope. Its “to where you are” by josh groban
    m.youtube.com/watch?v=fIAQCiMIEEQ

  42. I received this poem after my daughters passing. It really helped me through hard times. I hope it helps you to. My prayers are with you and your family. And remember through the darkest of times there is always light. Just remember to see it and treasure it.

    Oh Mother, my mother

    Oh Mother, my mother
    I touched your tears
    Invisible fingers
    Soothing your skin
    I know you think of me so often
    In the day, in the night,
    In your dreams
    Going into an empty nursery
    Knowing I’ll never be there
    But I am… In your heart
    In your soul, I shall always be
    For you have so unselfishly
    Of yourself.
    Inside of you, you created
    Such a world for me
    A world of laughter, of love
    Of sadness, of sorrow
    Every emotion people come to know
    You shared with me.
    And even though I may never
    Feel your arms around me
    I felt your heart beating,
    Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
    And your spirit giving me a safe haven
    Already protecting me
    Nurturing me
    Preparing me for all things to come.
    But sometimes the journey
    Of life pulls souls apart
    And yes, I had to go on
    To another place.
    I wish I could stay
    I wish this was a decision
    I could make
    And I know you do too.
    Know this wherever you are:
    I will always remember
    That yours was the first love
    The first joy, the first soul
    I will ever know
    You gave me the courage to
    Go on in my journey
    I hope I can do the same
    For you
    Your heartbeat will always
    Call me to you.

    Love, your child

  43. I’m from Gilroy but in Santa Rosa now. I’ve been following your story sharing so many tears. I cant imagine what you’re dealing with…I’m sure Its hard to get up some days. But I know your family is so loved and supported. We can all help you remember your beautiful daughter and find peace.

  44. “You have recorded my troubles.
    You have kept a list of my tears.
    Aren’t they in your records?” Ps. 56:8, NCV

    ?God keeps a list. It’s the wildest Love that drives the Father to record His child’s every lament. We never ache without God attending, and He can’t stand to see a tear fall to the floor. God cups our grief and puts our tears in His bottle.” Ann Voskamp

    He keeps a list of our troubles and we keep Eucharisteo (thanksgiving) . It is hardest in the darkness…

    He is the only way out… but however long you stay there or if you go out and go back into the darkness. He is with you….Always

  45. My heart aches for you..you will get through this..you just have to take a day at a time..just when you think you can see a light at the end of a tunnel…WHAM.. another emotion that you have never felt to deal with again..

    Thinking of you always

  46. I am so sorry that fate had different plans for your lovely young child. It’s really difficult to not go to that dark place when you lose something so precious. It’s ok to grieve, so when you feel like you need to cry, go someplace and let it all out. Don’t hold back. Eventually you’ll find that pain getting less strong. You will be able to pull yourself together and be there for your other littles.your little girl isn’t alone on the other side, she has many others who have gone before who already know her and are watching over her. You can do it, you can. Peace be with you.♥

  47. My tears fall for you, my heart aches for you. Your darkness, I feel. Your struggles are so very real. Raw and gripping your soul. Know that I feel your pain and struggle to help you find solice in words. Don’t lose hope that one day you will breathe again. We are here for you, all of us. HUGS

  48. Libby,

    I wish I could help you. I wish I could show you just a speck of light & make it keep getting brighter every day. All of this just doesn’t make sense, does it?? So confusing & complicated & heart wrenching.I think it’s being LOST in the darkness that makes it so extra dark. But, listen to those that have known this pain & been through a loss like you are grieving & experiencing….I believe that many of them say there are brighter days ahead.I just wouldn’t say that myself because I don’t feel I have the right to. I can’t claim to know anything….I just pray your days bring light.
    I’m pregnant rt now…but am probably going to miscarry. Not totally sure, but things are not looking promising.I have thought of you many times. You’ve made a lot of sense to me, in ways you will never know. You have a gift. Keep using it. Keep writing.
    Your friend.

  49. Libby, you are an amazing woman and mother! Jennifer knew that, your family knows it, and through your writings we know it! I so wish each of us could shoulder some of the pain you are going through to make this load lighter for you! Reality is we can’t, but we can walk alongside of you and lift you up when you feel you can’t go on.
    Libby, please allow yourself some grace, grace to grieve, and go through all the levels of that grieving process. Just know that you and your family are lifted up in prayer by so many who have grown to love Jennifer and all of you through this. Please continue to reach out to this new family however you feel comfortable. God loves you all and so do we! We will continue to bathe you in prayer! Sending you a virtual hug from all those that care!

  50. Prayers to you and your family. We are here for you Libby. We truly
    Are here for whatever is next . A race in her honor? The planting of a garden with flowers named Jennifer? Or just cheering you on as you get out for a run in the rain. We are here for Jennifer and for Libby.

  51. Dear Libby

    I start to write to you every day but never can seem to find the right words. Now I just realize there aren’t any “right” words. There can’t possibly be. Please know that I pray for you and your beautiful family every day. I thank you for sharing JLK with all of us. I will never forget her. I will keep writing letters and will keep sharing her story. I just know in my heart she will be a part of the cure. I don’t know you Libby but I, like thousands of others, care so deeply about you and your family. Sending you all love…

  52. We share in your pain. We just lost our sweet Hunter 3 weeks ago from the same Tumor DPG. We will pray for you and your family.

  53. I can only echo what Michelle Kersey wrote. I too would want to go with my child and be the one at those golden gates, but that time is not now. You are doing the most amazing job and being there for those three little ones who desperately need you here on earth. Keep moving- in rain and shine- keep continuing on your path. You have so deeply touched my life and the lives of others- your story, your family, your words are so important and I do believe that there is a bigger picture to be seen. It may not be clear right here, right now. I pray you find that small glimmer of light on your darkest days. Your Jennifer is smiling at you. And while you will have those dark days, just know that we are here for you – virtually holding your hand as you continue on your path. You are loved and you are not alone.

  54. Yes keep writing. I would miss it and you. I want to hear about your true journey through grief. Your honesty is helping others.

  55. That’s a hard place to be, it will get easier, and more manageable fortunately you have three beautiful little ones who will demand a new normal. Even though you may not be ready…

    Force a smile force being happy with them… Eventually it will become easier…
    They won’t forget it…

    Stay strong …

    love and hugs

    🙂

  56. Nothing I say can make this any better. But please know that even halfway across the world I am here. I am listening. And I am praying.

  57. Your grief and anger and tears are okay…however you feel is ok and how you are dealing with all this unfairness. Get it out…there are so many people that never met you or your precious daughter that pray for you and your family. Praying for any glimmer of light to help pull you though these difficult times. Hugs

  58. I wanted you to know that I spent the last few hours reading every post on your blog. I have read each post thru tears in my eyes, & I write this to you, crying. I cannot begin to express my feelings to you. I feel like I left a piece of me here. I am so sorry for your loss, she’s an amazing little girl. She reminds me so much of my daughter. I just needed to tell you thank you, for being brave, for being raw, for being the person & mother & family you are. You have truly moved me & touched my soul with the story of your daughter. It has changed me. I am forever grateful for her, for you, for your love & passion. I pray for your peace & strength & that the memories you have will never leave you. My deepest condolences. <3

  59. Libby, thank you for your blog and allowing us to feel what you feel. May god hold your every tear and and be there with you on the pillow where they fall . May you and your family find on peace to keep striving so 1 day it can be just a normal day. You gave 3 other beautiful children who need you so much now, Jennifer would want you to
    Love them just like you loved her and cuddle them just like you cuddled her. You can do it Libby, god goes by give you more than you can’t handle, a saying I truely believe. God bless you and your beautiful family. You a blessed.

  60. You are doing what you need to do, and that’s all anyone can ask of you right now. I promise, one day, it will be tolerable. Love always and prayers to you and your family

  61. We have been following your story, praying for Jennifer. I have three children… An 11-year-old son, a six year-old daughter, and a three-year-old daughter. This is the 1st time I have commented. I just wanted to let you know that my six-year-old daughter came up to me today and told me that Jennifer was in heaven. I don’t know how she knew that. We have not told her that Jennifer died. Maybe she sees that we as a family are only praying for Jennifer’s family now? It brought me to tears… In a good way. Children are so innocent. I asked my daughter why she thought that Jennifer was in heaven and she said “because I can see her there. I just know it momma”. I thought this might bring some comfort to you. We are all so selfish and we want our children with us as long as we are on this earth. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. I know your pain overwhelms every part of your being but I hope you get comfort in knowing that Jennifer is going to be ok and so are y’all. I pray that God eases your pain and restores your heart. ~~

  62. I think of you almost daily. I just became a mom myself this time last year. It is my biggest fear to lose one of my little ones and I can’t handle even imagining it. Thank you for sharing and for being real. I find it amazing that you can even write at all. Keep writing and sharing. We will keep praying for you. I know your sweet girl is with The Lord and she is free of hurt, sadness, or pain. I don’t know how one gets through something like this or even has the desire to “get through.” But I also know Jesus loves you even more than you love Jennifer. Run to Him daily.

  63. This is so desperately hard, so gut wrenching, so frustrating. I remember the dark, Libby, I lived in dense, black, soul crushing dark. I remember asking my dad, who also had a son pass away, if there was anything harder than dealing with a child that has passed away. He said no. I believe him and I know it’s true. It was so hard to breathe without crying, I remember telling my husband, as we drove from the funeral service to the cemetery for our sweet boy, that I had a wound so deep and the tears were cleaning it so it could heal but I had no idea when they would stop. In time, my days had a little more light but it took time. Wretched, unyielding, beautiful time. 2.5 years later the darkness is still there but the light is definitely winning. It is maddening that other people’s lives go on, continue like normal, when you just want the world to stop and recognize what a tremendous tragedy happened to you. That is how I felt (feel). You can do this. Please hang on. This completely sucks and I wish to heaven that neither of us had to experience this but I can tell you it will get less dark. Just please hang on until it does. Praying for peace for you and all of us.

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