half

I took half of a anxiety pill today. Same kind we gave our 6yr old daughter. She hated them. I hated the feeling even from a half of one. I’m so sorry baby girl. So sorry you even had a need for that kind of medication.

Trying to write a …well I’m not calling it a eulogy…but that kinda thing for her is brutal. I just cant find the words to express what I want to say…

i lie

I dont even know what I want to say.

I love you and I miss you over and over again probably isn’t quite right…but its all I think.

34 Responses to “half”

  1. Hugs and love and more love and hugs to your family, Libby. She is loved and missed by so many. I know your heart will guide you in what to say, as it guided you to Jennifer in the first place.

  2. The words will come… Probably at the wee hours of morning. When all is quiet and it’s still dark out. It will come to you and it will be crystal
    Clear! Then you can look to heaven and say thank you for the help

  3. I have been reading your blog posts and am from Gilroy. I am on the outside looking in but I know grief. A feeling that takes your soul and that feels like you never will get out of despair. My journey was with my father for 13 months in ICU and never came home. In that time we saw families come and go…many with positive results and many that we fought with each day lose the the fight. Only this year I celebrated Christmas. I have helped many through grief even though I still am in mine. My girls struggle knowing that Mom is not the same and never will be but they understand that no matter the time I still stop and have to feel the sorrow. Life isn’t the same BUT I hold my kids closer and they have learned that NO ONE has the right to give you a time line. What you feel is yours and yours alone. Every day I have to will myself to get up and function through life. Some days are easy and some days are extremely difficult. Do I get out of bed or stay? I am to the point if I can focus on doing three things a day I am okay. I look forward to four things a day. You will be angry, sad, bitter, and all the emotions wrapped into one but even though I fought those around me they stuck with me. I am praying for you all and wish you never had this pain. No one knows what it is like until they go through it. I pray that you breathe, get up, and just do one little thing at a time. It is your time to make your pace.

    1. Miss Carrie… your post was so beautifully written, and completely spot-on. I lost my 41 year old husband to cancer 3 years ago, but the grief is ever-present. Each day is a struggle. Not every minute of everyday anymore… but often. Far too often. Sending my love and support to you, and everyone who has endured a loss of such magnitude.

    2. Wow. Carrie you are so right on. I lost my dad in october but that cannot compare to losing a child. Our prayers for peace and sending love as always. I wish there were more I could do for Libby and her family.

  4. Maybe it will get written and then when the moment comes to read it you will find the unwritten words and speak those instead. Either way, it will be perfect.

  5. The words will come…in time. I will pray for you tonight, as I do every night. Pray for peace, understanding, the words for yourself as well as your children and above all else comfort. You are an amazingly strong woman.

  6. Libby

    We know that anything you write and read at Jennifers
    Celebration of life will never and can’t possibly capture the real depths of how much you love and miss your baby girl. Libby honestly people just want to come to support you and honor your sweet little girl. I have read so many beautiful things you have written about sweet Jennifer. Please take your time and I believe your words will just start to flow effortlessly and if you write Jennifer it isn’t fair you are gone and I love and miss you So much it hurts everyday, that is perfect. We understand Nothing in writing can capture the feeling of your loss. Libby you are an amazing person and Jennifer was also an amazing little girl thank you again so much for allowing me to be part of Jennifer’s beautiful glittery, sparkly life. This experience has blessed me with a strong renewed adoration and deep, deep love for my children. Thank you Jennifer….
    Libby if their is anything I can do to help you raise awareness please let me know I am local here in Gilroy I want to help you in any capacity.
    amartinez_000@yahoo.com

    God Bless you

  7. You will find the words, and I know they will be beautiful, because anything that has to do with Jennifer is beautiful. I can still hear her voice in my head, singing to Charlotte. What a blessing she was to you. And thank you for sharing your heart, it is helping heal mine.

  8. Libby, my heart breaks for you and your family every day. Like everyone else, I wish I could find words that would comfort you. I know no words exist to ease, or even dull your pain. I am so,
    so sorry that this happened.

  9. Dear Libby, I don’t know you, but oh how I wish I could take your pain away. Your words will come, and whatever they are will be perfect – even if all you say is “I miss you” over and over. We’re coming because you’re perfect words have drawn us in, we’ve fallen in love with Jennifer and your family, and we want you to see how much we care. We continue to pray. God bless you, Libby, and you’re family.

  10. Libby,
    Just thank her for the times you had and repeat I love you and I miss you over and over. Because that’s from the heart. You don’t need to impress anybody you lost your daughter. Maybe when you stand up there you will remember something you want to talk about, otherwise keep it truthful.

  11. HiLibby – not sure if you’ve heard of Kate Leong (www.kateleong.com), but she also lost a child last year.

    On her blog site, she has the video of the Celebration of Gavin’s Life. She did a really beautiful “eulogy”. Maybe if you were able to listen to that, it might help. Or even maybe get in touch with her directly.

    Just a thought….

    Send you much love <3 I so wish I could be there for her service.

    Love,
    Diana

  12. The words will come to you and if they don’t well they don’t! Everyone knows what a special little girl Jennifer is (I say is because her spirit is everywhere). I send you big hugs and positive thoughts during this time.

  13. Write Jennifer a letter, we will understand. You are the most raw and unselfish person I have come to know, through your blogs. No one can take that away from you. I may not know you, but your words towards your beautiful Jennifer have captivated my heart. May God bless you, and give you the strength you need to get through this time of your life.

  14. If that’s what your feeling than say that…no parent should ever have to write a eulogy for their child. Sending you strength to get through <3

  15. I have been reading your story through a friend that knows you and can’t imagine what you are going through with you and your family. I received devastating news from my Mom yesterday that my older brother (47) who has been battling cancer since 2000, (but doctors think since he was a child weird that slow growing sadly) he is losing his fight and has been given 3 months. Reading your thoughts is helping me cope not just for me but for my children and my family. I know it is a hard for you and your family but know through your words you are helping others.
    Love and Light to you and your family

  16. Whatever you decide to say, it will be perfect because it will come from your heart which is overflowing with love for your girl. But I can definitely see how there just are no words that could ever do justice to the depth of both your love for her and the deep pain of losing her. Praying here in Texas.

  17. BIG LONG HUGS to you and your family! I am so deeply sorry for your pain and loss! I have been thinking of you & your family everyday since I heard about Jennifer, praying for your strength and praying for you to hold onto those memories you shared with your daughter! Your daughter had such a beautiful smile that sure filled so many hearts, even people like me that never met her! Your a wonderful Mom and I will keep praying for you!

  18. Whenever I’m stuck with what I want to write, I use prompts…

    I/We will remember…

    Today I/We…

    I/We promise…

    I hope this helps.

  19. Libby,
    Each time I read your blog, my heart breaks more for you and Jennifer, your family. The words will come. No one should have to go through the painful process of writing a eulogy for their child- it’s not fair and it’s not a natural thing to have to say goodbye to our children. I think this makes it all the more difficult. You’ve put perspective and beauty into every blog post you’ve written. Your words are the most heartfelt, real words I think I’ve ever read. Whatever words you choose for Jennifer’s eulogy, they will be fitting, they will be perfect. You are inspirational and so honest. God Bless you each day, Libby. Your perfect, six year old angel will be smiling down on you. You gave her perfect love and devotion. You’re in our prayers and thoughts today and everyday.

  20. Maybe those are the words…you are such a gifted writer. Your words speak to the hearts of all of us…those who know you and those of us who know you only through words. And we all love you and your words. Still praying for you every day…sometimes praying with just emotions and no words.

  21. The words will come to you and they will be the perfect ones to share with everyone that has grown to love Jennifer. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and know that we all love you.

  22. I am so sorry. So so sorry. I know that my sorrow does nothing to ease your pain. Jennifer is gone and it is just plain fucked up. She should be here for at least 90 more years. She should have been beside you and her siblings as you took your last breath decades from now. It should never have been her first. Be patient with yourself. May you be surrounded with people who do continue to sit with you, who are compassionate and kind and patient as well. No amount of time can erase this pain…your love was too great. Have you heard of the MISS Foundation? I hope you might research and reach out to them. Maybe they can be of help to you.

  23. My dear friend shared this at my daughter’s memorial service. Maybe it will help the word come…

    Parable of immortality ( A ship leaves . . . )
    by Henry (Jackson) Van Dyke – 1852 – 1933

    I am standing by the seashore.
    A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
    and starts for the blue ocean.
    She is an object of beauty and strength,
    and I stand and watch
    until at last she hangs like a peck of white cloud
    just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

    Then someone at my side says, ‘There she goes!
    Gone where? Gone from my sight – that is all.

    She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
    as she was when she left my side
    and just as able to bear her load of living freight
    to the places of destination.
    Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

    And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
    ‘There she goes! ‘ ,
    there are other eyes watching her coming,
    and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
    ‘Here she comes!’

  24. Maybe you’re already taking something like this, but I found 2 Advil pm shut my brain off so I could sleep and actually sleep and not dream. Maybe that’s an easier medicine route for you to try.

  25. My heart breaks for you,m and your family. I wish, as a mother and grandmother I could wrap my arms around you and help you through this. There is nothing I can say to help you, but I will be here , if you need to talk, cry, vent, whatever. Sending as much love and prayers as possible.

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