want

 

Up researching Christmas gifts for the kids. Mostly books since they love to be read to. Never would have imagined I would be trying to find books to teach my boys and baby about losing their sister. And trying to find a book to help me speaking to Jennifer about heaven and God…The good ones are all dragonfly themed…Our symbol of her coming back to us again.

 

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I love all of our kids. They are all miracles and gifts in very different ways. Jennifer is our oldest. She was adopted at birth after a long battle with infertility and miscarriage. The fight to become parents…the thorny and twisted trail to her was supposed to be the hardest thing we would go through.

I get asked all the time how do I do it with 4 small kids. My answer has always been the same.  Jennifer.

 

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Having a daughter first helps….our daughter in particular. She is the leader of our little family. The kids follow her lead and example and most of the time she sets a really good one. She is my walking “field of dreams”…get her in the car and they will come…Being gone during the week and returning home I already see such a difference in the boys. They are much more stereotypical boys. Without JLK to offset them they are mini testosterone fueled machines.

 

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I love being a mom to my girls and my boys. But I am scared to parent them without her.  That sounds crazy to me even clicking it out on my keyboard…but I have never been a mom without her with me…I don’t know how to do it without her…She helps me teach them to go potty and walk…and buckles them in and out of the car. Christmas and halloween will be hard without her but its the little moments….the day to day normals that terrify me and keep me up at night. Walking through the parking lot without her helping to hold hands when they dont want mine..Sorting out who sits where when they all want the same seat. She can reach them and talk to them when I can’t.

How will I do this without her?

Jonathan. My sweet little boy. He isn’t made to be the oldest. He needs his big sister to teach him and blaze the path for him to follow. He isn’t created to bend as well as she does with all the mistakes your supposed to make with your first born…I want him to stay the middle child where he is happiest. He adores his sissy…I don’t want him to lose her and shoulder so much  being thrust into the role of the eldest.

And we are growing so close during this time, a togetherness beyond just mother and daughter. Or maybe not beyond …its more just the thing you cannot wait for when you hear the words “its a girl”…That special thing is just barely starting to bloom. There is so much more we should get to experience. You work so hard as a parent to get to the good years where you can talk with them and have real conversations.

 

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I am just getting to that part with Jennifer and I don’t want to let it go. Its fun. I look at her cousins with their parents…they exchange glances and inside jokes. They rehash their days together and gossip (probably about me). They argue but with each other versus how it is when they are still so little. I am so close to that time…I can almost touch it. I want braces and sleepovers. I want first boyfriends and first kisses. I want graduations and prom dress shopping. I don’t want to wait for Charlotte..I want it all with Jennifer.

And I want to be waiting for her in heaven.

I don’t want her waiting for me…its just not right.

 

8 Responses to “want”

  1. Oh Libby I want all those things for you both too! Do what you can now instead of buying her a prom dress take her to buy that special dress and take her to the Nutcracker in SF. Have her daddy walk her down the isle even just to be with her daddy that is all that matters. My love and prayers to you and JLK

  2. Libby, I read all of your blogs, I read all things pertaining to JLK. This blog was so touching. I ache for you, like everyone does. Sending prayers your way, daily. Big hugs too!

    I’d like to share a few verses that are calming, maybe you can share them with JLK, or say them quietly to yourself:

    Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14.27)

    He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalms 147:3)

    May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

  3. I’m thinking of you and praying for you this Thanksgiving. You are doing a wonderful job making beautiful memories to hold close in your heart. All my love.

  4. Kranz Family-
    Thinking of you today and always. You say it so well, Libby, and do validate some very deep-seated feelings for me too. I hurt for you. Love and kisses to your beautiful JLK.
    Corrie

  5. Thinking about and praying for you and your family today and everyday Libby. Hoping you had a Thanksgiving full of wonderful memories. Hugs!

  6. I’ve never heard any one write as well as you Libby…it’s like being there with you and I hope you’ll write a book for children. Stephanie has the bouquet I made for Jennifer. I stayed up half the night and laughed and cried making it. I hope she enjoys it and can use it to walk down the isle with dad or dress up like the princess she is and carry it with her. Jennifer and your family are on our church prayer list and even this far away there are some of us there is spirit. May your family have a beautiful Christmas holiday.

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