Tag: signs from heaven

the power of a memory

My mind often struggles to catch up with my reality. Most of the time Im not even aware of it. My daughter was here. Jennifer lived. And Jennifer died. Forever 6. The other day the kids played a joke on me. They all got in the car to go somewhere like they do everyday but when I walked over to buckle Bridgette in Jonathan was in her seat … the car erupted in giggles as I jumped back in confusion and surprise. I was laughing as I started to say Jennifer did that when she was your age.. It was like somebody ran across my stomach with a blade. The pain. Sharp. Immediate and shocking. He is 7. She is 6. Little brother older than big sister. Luckily I didn’t get the sentence out of my mouth and they were all too busy being proud of themselves to hear me.[…]

the gift of motherhood.

About 2 years ago I shared a piece of our life unconnected to childhood cancer. What I realized might have been the purest for them because of her.. Certainly the first. We placed 4 embryos for adoption (huh? Read here). These embryos turned children live in Texas, and when we found out we were having a MNO event there my first text was to their parents to see if they wanted to meet. They did. Mostly I was excited. Just to meet all of them. See them, Liz and Kevin and the kids, Sammy and Ethan. To just know what it was like to meet these genetic children .. my kids biological siblings that aren’t mine. Of course I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous too.. I was going into it not having a motherly pull towards these kids.. but what if that changed?? It didn’t. It actually[…]

lessons from above

It’s always amazing to me.. how things seem to happen. I desperately want to meet her again in my dreams.. so much so that I think I miss the ways I can see her in my day to day.. Especially right now. I just miss her so much that everything hurts. And to exist.. especially around other people takes a lot of work. So I avoid it. But I worry it will push everyone away. .. So then I move through it and go to social occasions… I find my humor becomes very dry.. And I worry .. will I push everyone away? So really the fear is that my struggles will leave my whole family alone. And its overwhelming. I am overwhelmed. Today was a wake up and cry in the shower kinda day.. Covering my mouth trying to stifle the sobs that are racking my body.. hoping the[…]

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

prison

I always want to figure it out. I always want to know why I am aching so much more than normal. But even now. Just sitting down behind my computer the tears are already flowing.. And I can’t say for sure why. There is a little girl, she looks very much like my Jennifer. Aptly named, her FB page is Katherine the Brave. And her mom has shared videos of her. And never held back from showing a snapshot of the brutal and harsh reality of DIPG. How it slowly chokes the life out of our children. .. How it tightens its grip..so cruelly slow. Leaving them completely aware of whats happening. ***moments after I posted this Katherines mom posted she had joined Jennifer earlier this evening. I hope they can become friends. And I am so damned sorry*** I saw one recently .. just scrolled past.. I didn’t need[…]

a ocean for mothers day

I think grief is like the ocean. .. Powerful and constant. It comes in and goes out. Sometimes a storm passes and it becomes violent and dark. .. sometimes it is calm and peaceful. But it is always moving, always changing, and you have to keep kicking or you will drown. That can be exhausting.. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to be pulled too far out from them.. my shore.  I made it through another mothers day..  I woke up to that swollen feeling in my eyes that let me know I was crying in my sleep. My mind is merciful in forgetting  what I was dreaming about.. The day was good. Blemished and bruised but so very beautiful. I am grateful to this blog for that. By digging and releasing I was able to be open to the beauty of the day versus just obsessing on the[…]

counting heads

I think all moms will get this.. but certainly moms of bigger families. We count. 1,2,3,4.. Leaving places.. in the middle of places. . we count to be sure we have all of our little chicks accounted for. I think its automatic, we aren’t even aware its happening.. like a counting program running in the background. But when that number is off all other systems shut down and an alarm sounds. One is missing. That happened all the time after she died. I was still counting for 4.. then when the count was only 3 my heart would race.. my eyes would automatically start darting around. And I would hurt so much that moment later realizing over and over again I was back to only counting for 3. .. I don’t know when I stopped. Part of me can’t believe I stopped.. and I feel guilty that I ever did[…]

her same long fingers

Her fuzzy head was nuzzled against me. It was a very rare moment for me with Bridgette. My 5th child and by far our most difficult. .. sent to us from her sister in heaven that I can imagine giggling just a little for sending us this little high needs creature. So I was so appreciative of that moment. Her sleeping next to me as the sun came up .. giving me a few extra moments to lay in bed before starting our day. … but suddenly the carpet was swept out from under me. I was pulled away by my own mind from the simple beauty of the moment. To a time 2 years ago .. snuggling another fuzzy headed baby in my bed. Baby Charlotte was just 9 months when her sister left us for heaven. The day after I was broken. Battered. Quitting. I refused to get[…]

unrelenting questions

My days seem to be so full of questions. Unrelenting questions that most will never ever have an answer. Sometimes I wonder.. why do things happen the way they do… Why does she send me the things I believe are signs the way she does. . A few days ago I was at Starbucks and saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt I knew from a distance was about brain tumors. .. I debating.. Maybe it was for an adult. Maybe she wouldn’t respond well to my coming up to her. .. but I did. Just like I asked all of you to do. I walked up to her and told her wy I approached her. Her granddaughter had a brain tumor. ..  And I felt a rush of kinship. .. Except it wasn’t. Her tumor was operable and treatable. .. And she was an adult. I think because of that momentary imaginary[…]