Tag: monterey

half the person

She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone? So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend”  (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went.  She would even make friends at the store while we shopped.                   I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down[…]

please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 . And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality. Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to[…]

presents/presence

I woke.. just a few minutes before the birthday girl. Those moments alone were so necessary.  I went to her and wished her a happy birthday… I tried to steel myself for the onslaught of the day. We waited for the boys to wake up then we went together to see what we had decorated for her. She seemed to really like it.  We decided to wait on opening presents until Daddy came home.. and we headed to Monterey. I needed to get out of town.. to be near the water. I needed to make it a good day for them.. The drive allowed me the time to think.. and be in myself. Before we left we baked some gluten free cupcakes. Jonathan asked for gluten free and it felt right to me also. We walked on the beach and let balloons go for her.. messages to sissy… Jonathan’s main[…]

clap

Music moves me…music permeated today… this song is the theme song for the first half of today… 2 months come… and gone.. This morning was really hard for me. We drove to Monterey… to be near the ocean and eat breakfast at a little place we really enjoy. Last time we were there was about a year ago on our “baby moon” right before baby Charlotte was born. …she turned 11 months today. Next month she turns 1… I really thought Jennifer would be here for that. I honestly never expected her to not make it to May. At our breakfast spot they have live music. The guy today was amazing…I got his card..  The song choices blew my mind, I cried at the table.. a lot. The hardest I have ever cried in public. I think its hard for Tony to see me like that… openly vulnerable.. to know how[…]