Tag: infertility

the gift of motherhood.

About 2 years ago I shared a piece of our life unconnected to childhood cancer. What I realized might have been the purest for them because of her.. Certainly the first. We placed 4 embryos for adoption (huh? Read here). These embryos turned children live in Texas, and when we found out we were having a MNO event there my first text was to their parents to see if they wanted to meet. They did. Mostly I was excited. Just to meet all of them. See them, Liz and Kevin and the kids, Sammy and Ethan. To just know what it was like to meet these genetic children .. my kids biological siblings that aren’t mine. Of course I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous too.. I was going into it not having a motherly pull towards these kids.. but what if that changed?? It didn’t. It actually[…]

five mothers days

Numbers. Simple. But they can take on such meaning. 6. I always think of things when it comes to Jennifer like 6’s. But its not always accurate. Because I only got 5 mothers days with her. I remember that first one especially.. the utter joy and lingering disbelief that after so many years of trying to become a mom.. I was actually one, to this particular brown eyed girl. I think on some level I never stopped feeling that gratitude everyday. Even the bad ones.. to get to be a mom.. her mom. their mom. Until February 12th. I really thought there would be nothing harder to face then infertility and repeat miscarriages.. I really thought nothing could ever completely dull that appreciation. But losing Jennifer has done that. damnit I am horrified at the reality and ashamed to admit my truth,  that I woke this morning and felt such a[…]

the right place

I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing.. My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to. So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe[…]