Tag: football

bucket with holes

I am trying so hard. To keep afloat. To not drown or go all the way under. But I don’t think I can. I just miss her so much. I want to be alone. Just locked inside this house.. Just be home. Doing nothing. Just us. I want to grab them all and just run away. I don’t want Tony to go to work.. or Jonathan to go to school. .. I want to just be near each other. But for them I try. ..  I do. Not well though. I am lost .. All my old tricks aren’t working. I am doing crossfit again. But instead of having that as a time to connect with people, to pull me out of myself It pushes me further inside.. I feel like an actress.. No connection. I am locked away.. trapped inside of myself.. Too weak to allow any of me out[…]

numb

I feel an invisible force on my foot.. trying to push it down.. put the brakes on this life.. Just make it all stop. . In 4 days I will have been a cancer mom for a whole year. In 4 days.. She will truly be forever 6.. because she won’t be here to turn 7. no no no no Today was the one year anniversary of the last full great day.. free day. .. happy day. The day before I picked her up from school and she threw up in her lap.. the day before we took her to the ER and she was admitted. I wanted to do something that symbolized that.. something free and fun. We went to the high school football games tonight, my brother and brother in laws team vs another brothers team.  It was a hour or so drive each way.. nice for me I[…]