Tag: easter

the power of a memory

My mind often struggles to catch up with my reality. Most of the time Im not even aware of it. My daughter was here. Jennifer lived. And Jennifer died. Forever 6. The other day the kids played a joke on me. They all got in the car to go somewhere like they do everyday but when I walked over to buckle Bridgette in Jonathan was in her seat … the car erupted in giggles as I jumped back in confusion and surprise. I was laughing as I started to say Jennifer did that when she was your age.. It was like somebody ran across my stomach with a blade. The pain. Sharp. Immediate and shocking. He is 7. She is 6. Little brother older than big sister. Luckily I didn’t get the sentence out of my mouth and they were all too busy being proud of themselves to hear me.[…]

easter… again…

Easter came again. I tried to pretend it wasn’t going to…But it did. Already our 2nd without her.. and I only got 5 with Jennifer. time is passing. it is so unfair. Last year my goal was simply to put one foot in front of the other. To not force myself to try to make traditions that I had to be sure to always adhere to. That was the right choice.. but now I want to start making traditions.. Ones that find ways to incorporate her.. and ones that are simply something new. Easter morning we woke up and made Resurrection rolls. We talked a lot about what the meaning behind Easter is. And that Jesus is the only one who comes back from the dead.. he is the only one that has ever and will ever be brought back to life. I never realized before how confusing Disney movies[…]

again

I woke up this morning feeling like a weight was on my chest. Heavy and full and weighted down with missing her. We were out late the night before and Charlotte really struggled to sleep so I brought her into bed with us. I loved it but I never sleep as well when I have her with me. Maybe thats adding to this.. how tired I am. I woke up so aware that she wasn’t here. That my daughter is dead. That nothing will ever be complete or full again. That realization is a harsh reality to greet you when you wake up .. wake up with a sleeping baby in your arms and a little boy kissing you good morning. Soon our bed was full.. but not really… today that emptiness was cruelly glaring for me. I just miss my daughter. My first born. The one that gave me the[…]

dying

Easter egg dying at my parents house…with a ton of cousins. That’s where my 2 boys are tonight.. its where my big girl should be too.. . .me too actually. I always said I wasn’t going to stay.. that I was going to drop my kids and leave… I never did though. .. .till this year. I knew I would be of no help.. just looking at the table of smiling faces missing my daughter. I am nervous for Easter. But I can’t run from holidays and gatherings for ever. .  Because missing these events doesnt save me from the emotions.. it just delays them. Instead tonight I am in her room writing.. looking at the offerings from her brothers all over the room. The giant card from Jonathan’s valentines celebration at school. A batman symbol. Her doll in a high chair now with food and drink in front of[…]