dying

Easter egg dying at my parents house…with a ton of cousins.

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That’s where my 2 boys are tonight.. its where my big girl should be too.. . .me too actually. I always said I wasn’t going to stay.. that I was going to drop my kids and leave… I never did though.

.. .till this year.

I knew I would be of no help.. just looking at the table of smiling faces missing my daughter.

I am nervous for Easter. But I can’t run from holidays and gatherings for ever. .  Because missing these events doesnt save me from the emotions.. it just delays them.

Instead tonight I am in her room writing.. looking at the offerings from her brothers all over the room. The giant card from Jonathan’s valentines celebration at school. A batman symbol. Her doll in a high chair now with food and drink in front of her..

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..and a angel on her bed.

the bed she became a real angel on..

 

I sit in her room now and remember her… with such pride. .. and struggle with the anger of why she died..we all lost so much with her death.

I got a comment on a earlier blog that I read last night. About how Jennifer said hi to a little boy from who school.. who struggled every day and cried a lot. Just her kindgesture of sayign hi to him meant so much to his mother.. and to me now… her mom hearing it. But what really got me… had me sobbing so hard that Tony stopped what he was doing to come check on me. The little boys mom was on campus at recess.. .watching her son sitting by himself when my brown eyed girl ran over with her trademark smile inviting him to play with her. .. .

Integrity .. .its what you do when nobody is looking.

.. .my daughter was overflowing with it. What a beautiful person this world lost on February 12th. She is impacting and hopefully bringing change to the world of pediatric cancer.. but she had potential to do so much more. Just by beign herself… loving and brave.

My other kids would have learned from her.. she would have taught them what it means to be a genuine and good person. Of course I will work on it. Of course I will do my very best.. . but nobody could have taught them as well as their big sister.

I printed out the moms comment. We will frame it and hang it… to always be able to remind my 3 youngest what we expect of them.. the kind of people we want them to be.

Jennifer wasn’t perfect. But she was such a good person… better than I even knew. Far better than I am. .. yet I live and she died.

I am so thankful to know this story of the girl I was just beginning to raise. ..

I just miss her.

Gilroy Family Photographer | JLK Glitter Shoot-16And I am so confused. Why are we allowing this to happen? Losing lives that hold unlimited potential.

 

***glitter for your day***

As a country we spend somewhere in the neighborhood of 23billion dollars on foreign aid. For childhood cancer the NCI dedicates 176 million. Thats a 130 times more to foreign countries.

Why such a beautiful life cut short?

 

 

 

A life that held so much potential. .. .

to give

to help

to love

to mother

.. . ..

to dye easter eggs.DSC_0278

 

 

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36 Responses to “dying”

  1. I am so sorry Libby. We all miss our beautiful Glitter Girl. I know every day is hard, but especially the holidays without JLK. You are so fortunate to have your beautiful family for support. I am here too Libby for you, Tony, Jonathan, Nicholas and Baby Charlotte. I continue to send my prayers and love. Jennifer will NEVER be forgotten. I love you guys so much and only wish I could ease your pain. I think I may have mentioned this before, but I have a bracelet Jennifer made me for my first Mother’s Day without Gram. I will cherish it always because she made it. I truly believe Gram is taking care of her.

  2. Libby,

    I read your daily posts. I am so sorry for your loss of Angel Jennifer, and the unfathomable emotions and pain you are going through. No words can heal your broken heart, loneliness, and the the deep sorrow you are feeling. God Bless you, Jennifer, and your beautiful family. I was so proud of how you honored Jennifer during her Celebration of Life Memorial. Such courage. But, then, you raised a beautiful daughter filled with courage.

    Love,

    Jan Rien

  3. What a wonderful story about Jennifer’s reaching out to that little boy. And it’s lovely you plan to frame it and keep talking about one of the many things that made Jennifer so special.

  4. JLK what a beautiful and amazing child. For such a small child she left a huge footprint and impacted so many lives in such a positive way. I will never forget her and forever be thankful to you Libby for sharing your story, it has forever impacted my life as a mother in so many ways.

  5. My husband and I were just talking, yesterday, about the amount of money given to other countries vs. the monies given to childhood cancer research. The conversation started around your beautiful Jennifer and our beautiful Stephanie, who we lost to cancer 6 years ago. We were venting our anger over the unbelievable inequities and wondered how this can happen. There is no good excuse. It makes my heart ache to think how many more children have to lose their lives, how many more parents have to grieve, before our voices are heard and change is made.
    Please know you and your family have been, and will continue to be, in our thoughts and prayers. Much Love

  6. I am just another name, just another person whom you do not know. But I am reading, and I am honored to meet this beautiful child through your words.

    My dear friend started a nonprofit organization called Still Easier Than Chemo, after her mother died from cancer. She ran 12 half marathons in as many months, and raised over $10,000 for cancer research. She now supports other runners to take on the challenge in support of their own personal experiences with cancer. She has said that you can contact her with any questions you may have regarding nonprofit organization start up. Or, you may simply just want to check out her website for some inspiration or ideas.
    http://www.stilleasierthanchemo.com

    Each time I read, I breathe a prayer for your family, for your precious girl. Thank you for spreading the glitter.

  7. I wore my “Love for JLK/Glitter Squad,” shirt to work again today, and where I normally just get some strange looks from across the room and a few odd comments, (in a room full of people in pantsuits and hideously boring blouses, it’s a hot pink shirt covered in glitter and huge iron-on letters, so you can imagine),I actually had a co-worker, (that I’ve never spent time with outside of work in the 2 years that I’ve worked there), say that she’d like to come make the trip to Gilroy with me for the run in May. …awed. 🙂

    Your Jennifer, Libby. It was all her. Your unforgettable first born has, without a doubt, left this world more beautiful than she found it. In my eyes that tops any of the proudest moments a parent could possibly have in a lifetime, and in 6 short years, cut far, far, far too short, your girl did it.

    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  8. We had a death last night. My three teens classmate, teammate and friend. He was 18 and not wearing his seatbelt. The shock, the devastation of trying to understand why such a waste. Trying to think of one little thing in one single moment that would have changed the outcome . . . My daughter is about to graduate….or will she. I am terrified. The thought of losing another of my own children takes my breath away.

    We just have to keep breathing.

  9. Jennifer was an amazing girl. She has an amazing mother. I think thats partly why she was so kind and so caring. She will always be remembered. We will never forget her. I will be at the walk/run in May to honor Jennifer. Thankyou for continuing to share your life as well as hers with us. We love ♡ you all Libby. ♡

  10. Libby,I been following you blog from the beginning,I’ve grown to love your beautiful family, and I thank you for sharing Jennifer with us, your story about her be so sweet to her little friend brings me too tears, I too have one sweet story about her , I’m just a stranger, seems kinda crazy to say stranger cause I feel close to you, anyways too live in Gilroy and I was shopping at Nob Hill in was maybe beginning of Sept, my granddaughter was with me, she is 4, she notice you Jennifer and Charlotte in line in front of us because my granddaughter had just became a big sister , and said look baby girl looks just like my baby, I realize that they look the same age and she was sucking her pacifier just like our baby Ali, well your sweet Jennifer notice my granddaughter and gave her a little wave and said hi, I remember thinking how sweet that was, and how happy it made my granddaughter, a few days later my granddaughter came to me and ask me to make her hair straight (she has curly )because she wanted to looked just the pretty girl at the store that said hi to her, of course I blew out her hair, she was so happy, and I told my husband I wish everyone was nice like the sweet little girl at Nob Hill, weeks later that shock I felt when I heard about sweet Jennifer and realize she was the sweet little girl at the store, she has made so many happy with her sweetest, so please know I’m right here with you, and one more thing our Ali and your Beautiful Charlotte were born on the same day, realize that from your blog love and hugs to you Libby

  11. She was sent to earth with a purpose…. With all that I have, I
    believe her life is not over and she still has much to do!!! Keep the faith, keep the strength. Rely on our Heavenly Father, He too lost a child. He knows, better than any, exactly what you are going through. Sending my love always, Sarah

  12. Your Jennifer is and will always be in all of our hearts. I loved hearing the story about the little boy, just one more reason to love her. I have been inspired to be a better person a better Mom. You and your sweet Jennifer are amazing and have taught us all about love, true deep love for each other, family, and life! I can tell you I am here reading your blog every night and I will never tire hearing stories of Jennifer. I thank you for sharing your life and your Jennifer with me, with all of us. The tribute was beautiful and I am so happy yet so saddened to have watched this. Her laughter is contagious, she had a great laugh. I live in Florida, but would have loved to have been there supporting you in person. My daughter and I pray every night for you your family and for Jennifer. We all love you Libby and think you are nothing short of AMAZING!!!
    Love4JLK always<3<3<3

  13. I too believe that Jennifer lived for a purpose and that her life and her purpose are in no way over. I know that that thought does nothing to dull the terrible whole body ache that is missing her, but I have to believe that you will see her again. And I hope it isn’t insensitive of me to say so, but I look forward to meeting her myself one day. Whenever I have doubts about my faith, which seems to happen every second breath some days, that is what I always come back to. It has to be real, it has to. Because souls as beautiful as Jennifer’s must live on.

  14. It never gets old hearing your beautiful sweet stories of Jennifer. Thank you for sharing and allowing us to know her and what a perfect little princess she is. Always praying for you n your family Libby much love

  15. I truly believe that your sweet and kind Jennifer is still spreading glitter. It touches me daily and I am doing my hardest to continue to spread it and raise awareness. Sending hugs and support!

  16. Integrity is what we do when no one is watching. Integrity is something intrinsic, but something we also learn from those around us. She learned it from her family. Framing that story is a fabulous idea. Jennifer will help show integrity to your three youngest, but so will you and Tony. Don’t doubt that.

    Still here, reading, and praying.

  17. I am another person that has never met you or your family. Everyday I read your blogs and I sit in awe over how much you share with the world. You talk about how kind and generous that Jennifer was but remember you and your family are the ones who guided her. Her generosity and kindness are gifts you and your husband gave to her and taught her to share with the world. Always praying.

  18. Libby the more stories I read of jennifers beauty and kindness and love for others just proves to me what a wonderful up bringing she .had and so much love to spread. Jennifer was put on this earth to teach and make a difference in all our lives.but then you ask why, why was she taken Away from all this, why should a beautiful little girl with so much to give be taken away, it’s something will never understand. We just have to remember her beauty and kindness through you and others, you have to be the one to carry her beauty on to us through her memories and photos, and I thank you for doing that. Libby I look forward to reading the stories and memories and photos daily. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Angel Jennifers life with us it really means alot. Big hugs and Angel kisses to you all

  19. Thinking of you and Tony….the service was beautiful. I watched the whole thing and cried. Easter will be hard, but you can do it with the support of your family. They are with you. <3 Sending tons of love from Georgia.

  20. Libby, I continue to read you and ache for you and want to make it all better for you. I know nothing helps, I know I’m just a stranger on the East Coast who has never met you or your incredible family… But somehow yiu got in my heart and I’m so grateful. And I want you to know I think about Jennifer at least once every single day. And when I hug my 2 little girls, I think of yours. And when I pray over my sleeping girls at night, I pray for you, too, for your family. And I say her name. I whisper it every night. Jennifer. JLK. Jennifer Krantz. Out loud, sending her name into the air, as a prayer, a hymn, a promise. Long haul, Libby. I promise. Love, a faraway friend

  21. It’s not fair but many times the brightest of stars shine for only a few moments. But that light lasts for eternity. JLK is a perfect example,the perfect little girl you raised inspires us at The Young and Brave Foundation. All the integrity she showed and the examples you share with us lives forever and will impact so many others. JLK will forever make this world a better place.

  22. I am sending love to you Libby. You are living through the unthinkable. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your grief and your family. You are helping so many people.

  23. My heart breaks for you! It breaks with sadness for such a loss, it breaks from rage that this happened and it breaks from fear that this could even possibly happen! ( even to my own children ) fear, anger and complete sadness and confusion ! Lots and lots of “WHY’S???!!!!!!!” You and your family are in my thoughts OFTEN!

  24. Thinking of you all. It’s so easy to think of Jennifer and smile. From our first time meeting her at Pump it Up. How she and Aubrey both loves the little red car and each would wait to have a turn. How she was so shy and quiet initially. Her laugh that was so contagious. Or, the way she always loved to wear her pretty dresses and the slipper socks, everywhere. Or seeing her randomly at YoghArt and sharing giggles, coloring and smiling at just about everyone. Aubrey shared a story with me about a time when Jennifer comforted her after a couple of other girls were mean to her. Jennifer was the one who said something nice and encouraged Aubrey to go and play with her instead. As a mom, that made me feel so proud and good, as I’m sure it will make you happy and proud too.
    I hope during this first holiday without Jennifer, you are able to find some happiness. Just listen to her laugh, it’s infectious.

    1. I forgot about that…I remember you telling me that. If you and Aubrey get a chance can you write it out and send it to me.. I will add it the frame

  25. It’s been weeks since I first read about you trying to turn one more no into a yes each day. That has impacted me so much since then–inspiring me to do that each day. And I do. I wish I could say something…something…to help ease this. But I know there’s nothing I can say. I pray little prayers for you so often. And it helps me to remember to pray for all those I don’t know too. Thank you for the inspiration. Thank you for the pictures too. I love seeing her precious face.

  26. I’m so sorry…I know that I can’t ease your pain but at leads I can reassure you that beautiful Jennifer WILL teach your bows how to be a good person. In her short six years she left so much and more for these boys and those reminders will always be there. You just have to teach the boys how to see them and Jennifer will do the rest…

  27. Libby, my daughter used to sit on the bench alone at recess….it broke my heart like nothing ever has. So, to hear about your Jennifer being so kind is just lovely…….just think of the stories you don’t even know about….how she is teaching people now by things that you say. It will never end.

    Try to enjoy Easter……in the way that is possible right now.

    thinking of u.

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