Tag: child loss

do over

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with  a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]

roses in the ocean

  **I don’t often re-read what I write. But tonight I did. And this posting is a mutant writing. With makes it a perfect depiction of what its like in my head. Where nothing seems to fit together or make sense coming from one person.. And I am trying and failing not to freak out but all of my pictures are getting distorted as I upload them from my “good camera” luckily I snapped a few to text to Daddy with my phone.. So my apologies for lack of pictures. ** Jennifer loved the beach. So very much. We live so close to it. But I almost never took her. because I always had a baby or was pregnant.. or .. well really time. Its because I counted on time to do it later. I really wish I had taken her more often. Tony left on Sunday so its just been me[…]

a thousand years

Do you know I still haven’t dreamt of her. Not the real her. I’m ashamed to admit that .Its only been the anguished her that has found me in the dark of the night. The little girl that died in my arms. I have dreamt of her. The horror that she somehow survived day after day.. That pain filled girl comes to me. ..but its not her. please please please i need that not to be her. But I know.. I know somehow she is trying to get to me. Trying to get to me. To reach me. My 6 year old is trying to get to me and she can’t. And I am so scared its my fault. That I am letting her down all over again. I’m sorry jennifer. I’m so sorry I know this is the key. This is they way I will be able to finally[…]

..because life keeps happening..

It’s coming. I can feel. Even if I didn’t know it. Even if I didn’t remember it I can feel it. physical .. unrelenting.. grief.. A heaviness in my chest. A strain on my back. Ears always ringing.. just a bit. Heart beating faster and harder. Eyes stinging.. always on the verge of emptying. Another year. .. because life keeps happening. Why couldn’t I save her? Why couldn’t I relieve her pain? Stop her suffering? did i at all baby? was it ever not excruciating? This year is so different though. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. What made sense for all of us and I was able to make it happen. There was freedom in that. Freedom. Strength. Comfort in having a plan that felt right But not this year. This year its all up in the air. And nothing not a damned thing feels right. ..because[…]

so much has changed

Bridgette is 5 months old.. Thats how old Charlotte was when our lives began to crumble. .. Today is hard.. I just woke up hurting and wanting. And mad. I went.. as I always do in the morning, to a place Tony and I both call wonderful torture. The “on this day” option on Facebook. And I saw the picture of my Jennifer with one of her very best friends. They were wearing the matching pink minnie shirts Jennifer picked out for them in Disney World. I smiled. Remembering how the girls were so serious about trying to match everything. Same color hair things.. and boots and leggings and blue skirts. I smiled at how happy she was to be back at her preschool even though she should have been in kinder. How we gave her the choice of where to go .. and she gladly chose Ms Sandy with Maddie[…]

4 year old questions

Last night at dinner Nicholas just started asking questions. I was giving both little girls a bath at the sink while my boys all finished dinner. It started off casual and easy and Tony asked if they had more questions.. And Nicholas did. So many. So so many. He directed them all to me. .. It was Tonys first time hearing the things he asks.. Seeing his fear and tasting his 4 year olds sorrow.. .. but we’ve done the before. The way he fights the tears that burns his eyes. They way he struggles to understand. Its just like Jonathan after Jennifer died. This deep want and desire to understand the unimaginable. kids die. we don’t have the answers and i can’t protect you. But Nicholas needs things to be right and fair and in order. As he fought the stinging in his eyes that he doesn’t understand His[…]

the 23rd -12th-

12th. I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week. January 12th. Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation. 1 month until THE 12th. .. ..again.. But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick.. but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life?? ..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life???? A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first[…]

she was here

I have pulled away from blogging. I have lots of excuses and reasons for it… But I do miss it. The release it gives me.. But especially the connection it gives me to my daughter. jennifer I feel so distant from her right now. So much so I find myself wondering if she was real. If she was ever really here. .. I find myself averting my eyes from her picture. I feel so guilty for it. Like I am denying her.. How much she matters. For the first time yesterday when asked about my kids I didn’t make it obvious she was gone from us. I just answered that I actually had 5 kids and when they asked the ages I only said she was 6.. Nicholas looked up at me and put his hand on my leg. I wonder so much what he was thinking. I presented at[…]

her Christmas gift

We woke up all with Jennifer on our hearts and minds… And as it turns out the feeling was mutual. My niece came over last night and saved Christmas for the second year in a row. She came over to wrap presents for my kids. Without her to talk with and to honestly do most of it I don’t know if it would have gotten done. It is so hard to not be wrapping for her.. So I just avoid it at all costs. As I fell asleep silent tears hit my pillow..  as I was helplessly wishing I could give her a present.. This morning the very first thing Nicholas did was ask my a question about sissy.. He was groggy, wiping sleeping from his eyes and asked if she used to wear boxers.. I was taken aback and at first said no.. but then realized she probably did[…]

ground to outer space

I forgot. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten… Cookie and cocoa and lights. A tradition that matters. We started it Jennifer’s first Christmas. It was always a celebration of getting to be parents. A night I always remembered and appreciated how hard fought for these children of ours were.  As each year we went from 1 to 2 to 3 … 4… with our 4th child then we knew we be losing our first one.. But I loved it. One of the only things that I actually have looked forward to these 2 seasons without her.. Because I remembered so much so fondly. The way she would get so excited.. Even showing her siblings that were just sleeping babies the lights. Squealing out to everybody whose window to look out of. I needed that. That remembering of the happy noises. My boys fight. A lot. And they fight hard. It[…]