Tag: child loss

maybe the kids have it right..

Maybe Jennifer is painting the sky pink for us right now. I wish she was with us. Just here in the car right now. Im going to blow these bubbles up to heaven. Sissy can pop them. Can I sleep in here? I dreamt about Jennifer. I miss her and I am scared. Constant. My missing of her is a constant living part of me. And it is part of my kids too. Those are the comments I have heard in just the past few days. Just sudden and randomly they share,  I have them too.. I just don’t share mine. To protect them.. or whoever I am with. I keep those thoughts silent. To not let it seem like my life is overtaken by the one I can’t touch anymore. My kids though have the freedom to give those thoughts and wishes and hopes a voice. They don’t have[…]

is 3 real?

Tomorrow morning I wake up to a 3 year old little girl… and it makes me sick to my stomach. and really really angry. I, like all moms, get a touch melancholy about their birthdays.. about how quickly time passes once you are a mom.. But my ridiculous decorating the night before their birthday has helped it become a fun night.. Birthday eve. The other kids get to stay up and help decorate and wrap presents. I make the birthday kid a birthday chair horrifically decorated in balloons and streamers.. Its made me happy to have them turn a year older. A day all about them. . and I like giving them that. Nothing expensive.. just attention and traditions. I’m usually excited about their birthdays. .. even after Jennifer died I still have loved.. maybe even more if thats possible.. decorating and getting the house all ready after the birthday[…]

NYC

Life moves so quickly sometimes. I thought while I was in New York I would carve out time to blog, but we were so busy I didn’t. And then coming home I have just been trying to get the house stuff and kids in order. So for those that don’t follow on Facebook (and if you don’t you should!) Tony, Bridgette and I went to New York to give money to a few labs as well as meet with additional ones we are considering funding and a few other East Coast foundations. I went through a lot of surprising emotions on the trip.. Just even being there was bittersweet. Its always been a dream of mine to visit New York. But we chose to have me be a stay at home mom and figured there would be no reason to travel that way for a long time. Then Jennifer got[…]

counting heads

I think all moms will get this.. but certainly moms of bigger families. We count. 1,2,3,4.. Leaving places.. in the middle of places. . we count to be sure we have all of our little chicks accounted for. I think its automatic, we aren’t even aware its happening.. like a counting program running in the background. But when that number is off all other systems shut down and an alarm sounds. One is missing. That happened all the time after she died. I was still counting for 4.. then when the count was only 3 my heart would race.. my eyes would automatically start darting around. And I would hurt so much that moment later realizing over and over again I was back to only counting for 3. .. I don’t know when I stopped. Part of me can’t believe I stopped.. and I feel guilty that I ever did[…]

o for outstanding

Those sudden surprise moments.. The shock of being unprepared is like jumping into the freezing cold water of grief. .. It steals your breathe and even when you start to regain it.. its stays sharp and ragged. Your heart is beating hard and fast and you look around disoriented. .. fight or flight they call it right? It happened the other night getting Jonathan’s report card. Tony was starting to talk to him about a few things and I stopped him and asked if we could talk privately later about how we wanted to approach it.. To be sure we can be on the same page.. no big deal. normal parenting.. Except.. nothing is normal parenting for us anymore. When will I learn that? He said “yes good point” .. and looked at our sweet blue eyed boy and elaborated ” That this was uncharted territory for us.. ” At[…]

cool kids table

I’m jealous. Of things I never ever would have imagined feeling jealousy over. But cancer has changed me. Losing my daughter has changed me. I see the bonds other cancer families have created through time spent wandering the halls of the hospital and I want that. When I see them getting together.. those surviving and those still fighting a feel like I am walking around the school cafeteria with a tray in my hand.. with only one table to sit at. Most of the tables filled with parents who haven’t carried a cancer diagnosis and they look away and down when I walk close.. Truth is.. even when welcomed I can’t seem to figure out how to lay my tray down and sit anyways. The table is too smooth too shiny .. I see another one and a part of me longs so desperately to sit there too.. Kids that[…]

down the aisle

So I had my day planned.. . I was going to practice my speech for the upcoming MNO this weekend since I haven’t done it yet .. and then maybe carve out time to blog about how often people are surprised by my smiles.. and the joy they see in my family that is ALWAYS present.. …but Facebook had another idea for me.. Tony and I have talked lately about the love/hate affair we both have with the “on this day” option. The one that you can see old memories. .. moments that you shared a year.. or more ago on that day. Today scrolling through .. luckily after all the kids were at school or napping I was seized by the grainy image on my screen. .. with a caption of bitterly ironic words “not ready for this” Oh how I miss the safety of the sadness of watching my[…]

gray

Definition of gray a. of the color gray b. tending toward gray c. dull in color having the hair gray clothed in gray a. lacking cheer or brightness in mood, outlook, style, or flavor; also: dismal, gloomy<a gray day> b. prosaically ordinary: dull, uninteresting having an intermediate and often vaguely defined position, condition, or character     I am gray. I live and survive in the gray now.. This is the merriam-webster definition of gray.. and I think it suits me.. This new AD me that I discovered in this post.. Parenting after child loss is a bitch. All parenting is hard. All parents question themselves.. I always have. But now the stakes seem so impossibly high. That if I am wrong I can be doing some real damage to their little hearts. Nicholas is hard lately. Really really hard. Angry. Defiant. Stubborn. .. and hurting. Maybe more than the rest of us right now. Is[…]

Seattle in pictures

  Seattle was great! So many memories made.. and difference to be made. We gave over 130,000 into the hands of some incredible and dedicated researchers. Thank you! I didn’t tell Jonathan until the night before our trip that we were going somewhere and he didn’t know it was on a plane until we got to the airport. Then I told him every single step before we did it. That seemed to be the perfect rhythm for him. We were on seriously the smallest plane I have ever been on. My 5 ft tall self could easily put my bag in the overhead compartment. I am not a good flier so that didn’t help!! The last time Jonathan was on a plane was our Make A Wish trip. On the flight we talked about those memories… Bridgette was perfect! Until we got to the hotel. Then she freaked. Jonathan got[…]

the day after..

The 13th is actually the worst day for me I think. . That whole day after thing. When Jennifer died.. that first 12th.. I tried to stay up until midnight .. but I physically couldn’t do it. I knew that after that day was done would be the start of a lifetime of days of not holding her.. touching her.. knowing her.. And I think these two 12ths we have survived are much the same. Because this 13th is the first day I have to say 2 years.. its been 2 years since I lost my daughter. Then there is the whole day after thing. Like an big event in your life the day after is hard.. almost like a let down. We are so busy on the 12th. A mixture of remembering. . and running from the memories I think. We are so incredibly blessed to have had so[…]