Tag: charlotte

6 years

Tonight I should be practicing for a speech I am giving tomorrow. I have only gone through it twice now.. But I can’t seem to do it. Im not sure why. If its something swirling inside of me.. waiting for me to write and get it out.. Or if its too hard to do. Too hard to say the words out loud.. look at pictures of her…remember. Another cancer mom wrote about it .. wrote about how she doesn’t want to forget a thing about her son.. but also can’t bear to remember. I get that. How as the numbness is slowly wearing off that its hurts even more to allow myself to reach for her. Because it is just so devastating. But actually I think thats likely not accurate for me. .. not yet at least. Now the yearn is still so much stronger than I can even fight. I[…]

aftermath of memory

Its amazing how one memory of her has completely rocked me .. not even a complete memory.. just the shape of one piece of her head . . I have been weepy ever since. Just constantly close to tears. . And they seem to come easily. Yesterday was just a much needed *almost* our family day. We all needed that time to be with just us. We all miss her.. in our own ways. Nicholas now insists on putting his shorts on backwards when he does them himself. .. He says thats how they are supposed to go. And since he is not a fan of chonies I cannot see how that is comfortable.JLK used to do the same with her shoes. Completely insistent that they go on the opposite foot. I was worried her feet were going to start growing incorrectly she did it so often and for so[…]

birthdays

I had a post in my head ..about 5ks and butterflies… but that will have to come another time.. this is all that is on my mind since this morning. I got on FB and saw my friends post about it being her daughters birthday.. in heaven. I used to feel for other people. I used to be emphatic. .. I feel like I have lost that quality.. but today it comes .. that emotion flooding back. The gut wrenching sorrow I feel for our friends.. the struggle to find the words to convey how much I hurt for them. So I did what I want others to do for me. I reached out, risked saying the wrong thing. And most importantly I put the date in my phone. So I never forget. So every year til the day I die.. whether the friendship remains or not.. I will write[…]