Tag: birthday

5 minutes later

** I wrote this last week .. but never actually shared it.. I can’t remember why now! **   I need to write.. I want to write but something keeps stopping me. Like I am just scared to let all that is bubbling inside of me out. This weekend was a lot. A lot. It started out with her party.. Saturday morning we finished up decorating the cupcakes and then it was time to go. To get in the car for a thank you to our community and all the people that cared about our family . . and a chance to celebrate with them and our friends this spectacular girl of ours. But I was scared to go.. about how hard this might really be. Was it the right choice for me and Tony.. the right choice for our kids. I make none of the decisions lightly.. but that[…]

crawl

Last week we went to the cemetery for our first picnic, just me and the kids. Jonathan’s request. He asked to skip preschool to go there and I promised right after we picked him up we could go. That seemed to assuage him and the picnic plan made him really happy. On the drive to school the boys asked questions.. I found myself explaining to my 5 and 3 yr olds that just like they have a bedroom in our home.. sissy has a grave in the cemetery.. The gravity of that sentence made my stomach lurch. . but the boys seemed to relate well to it. My daughter.. has a grave like they have a bedroom.. a room that was once hers.. There is another little girl buried near our Jennifer. She was almost 2. It was recently her birthday..Happy birthday Emily.15 years they have had to celebrate their baby[…]

i love you

The only time I am not crying is when I am with other people. .. With Tony and the kids though I cannot seem to stop the tears. Everything is reminding me of her.. everything is ripping into the wound I keep waiting to start healing. right now I don’t think it ever will. right now I feel like my sorrow is so much bigger than I am . We went to the Chargers/49ers game this weekend with some friends. Tony is a Chargers fan so they thought we would like it. We were very excited. Charlotte stayed with my parents and the boys with one of my brothers families. I had forgotten until I started getting dressed in my jersey.. forgotten we had taken her to a game once. A pre-season game just like this one and a neighbor gifted us her tickets. That time Tony held her.. this[…]

everything and nothing

I miss her today with all of me. I went for a run. It usually clears my head.. gives me space… But not today.  I am hurting. I remember so clearly 6 months ago. Calling my sister to tell her to come.. then not come.. then come. I wasn’t sure that we needed her… wasn’t really sure how close Jennifer was to her death. But I was afraid… so she came to us. Today I am angry. .. . at everything and at nothing. I remember thinking I could never hurt worse then I did right then. I remember thinking the same thing those first days after she died. Thinking I couldn’t ever hurt as much as I did then. I was wrong. So incredibly wrong. I thought the same today. I thought I could never hurt worse than I am now. And as soon as I thought it, I[…]

remember Libby

Tony just took the boys out to go shopping for my birthday which is tomorrow. He doesn’t even bother asking what do I want.. we both know you cant buy the one thing I want. The moment I heard the garage door close I came to her room. .. I hear the sounds of the ocean in here. We never have been able to turn off the sound machine we had playing for her.. Today is so hard.. today I miss her so damn much. I feel so angry. I feel so alone. I just want to lay in her bed.. I want to find something in this house that smells like her. That feels like her. I can’t though .. there is nothing.. there really was nothing.. lice a few weeks before she went on hospice meant everything was washed.. uncontrollable vomiting means it all got washed again.. it[…]

presents/presence

I woke.. just a few minutes before the birthday girl. Those moments alone were so necessary.  I went to her and wished her a happy birthday… I tried to steel myself for the onslaught of the day. We waited for the boys to wake up then we went together to see what we had decorated for her. She seemed to really like it.  We decided to wait on opening presents until Daddy came home.. and we headed to Monterey. I needed to get out of town.. to be near the water. I needed to make it a good day for them.. The drive allowed me the time to think.. and be in myself. Before we left we baked some gluten free cupcakes. Jonathan asked for gluten free and it felt right to me also. We walked on the beach and let balloons go for her.. messages to sissy… Jonathan’s main[…]