Tag: american cancer society

never knew

I never knew.. never knew pain or despair like this before. I never knew that there is no respite from losing your child. I never knew how hard it would be. I thought I did.. thought I could imagine. .. I couldn’t.. I still can’t. Because I know I am still not at the bottom of it… not at a place I can start clawing my way back up. I still have further down to go. Its always. Its constant. There is no relief. How is that even possible? I got her name tattooed on my wrist the other day. On the drive home I called Tony to see if I could stop at the beach. Of course he said yes.. I needed that time.. To just miss her.. on the beach walking along the ocean. The sunset was incredible and I had music playing the whole time.. song after[…]

rear view mirror

I don’t want to write tonight.. I don’t want to go there.. here. To remember where I was 4 months ago tonight. Steeling myself for the something so strong .. it dissolves steel. It started to hit this morning.. driving to a friends house I cried silent.. tears… but since then I have run from the truth that haunts me .. I cried angry tears and sad tears.. Relay for life is soon to happen in my town. Driving I saw the purple ribbons everywhere.. I wish I had no connection to it…I wish it didn’t impact me like it does. It made me feel stupid looking at them. . How I had been tricked into thinking that the money raised was for all cancers.. pediatric and adult when in reality it is unproprtionaly split towards adult cancer. 1 cent of every dollar goes towards pediatrics (PAC2) A worthy organization[…]

why

Sometimes its shocking how deep the pain is. I know that sounds ridiculous. All of this journey is wildly different than I thought it would be… Yesterday we were struggling.. as a couple.. as parents… as people. Some friends must have just sensed it and taken our boys for a few hours. We needed that time together to just talk… and fight. .. and grieve together. Its hard to carve at that time as a couple and do the other things we need to get done. Then I got some alone time.. to totally dissolve. Crying so hard my knees lost the strength to hold me up anymore and I collapsed… … missing her with a physical forcefulness. Another one of those surprising things is that almost as quickly as it seems to take over.. it leaves me. Like my body cannot physically withstand an onslaught longer than 6 minutes.[…]

day after

My thoughts are jumbled.I am so tired.. circling the drain… Milk in the pantry cereal in the fridge kinda day. Yesterday just totally drained and exhausted me. .. .dehydrated me. I could have stayed in bed all day. But I know thats not fair to Tony or the kids. I got up and realized I hadn’t yet opened the package I got from Amazon the day before… so while trying to seem happy with the kids I did…I shouldn’t have. It was Frozen. I had pre-ordered it for Jennifer. .. and me. We were supposed to snuggle and watch it. It was going to be a great surprise for her.. I thought I had cancelled it. .Those sudden things that knock me over are hard. A friend came over today. Her boy ran and played with ours. That made me happy. Apparently Jonathan met them at the car. No hi[…]