Tag: 4th of july

Daddy… 5 months gone..

It has only been 5 months, but it feels like a life time. I find myself looking at pictures and old quick movies that I took on my phone of her and her brothers and I still can’t believe it; I don’t want to believe it. The fog has unfortunately lifted and now my family is smacked in the face of this reality. The day to day activities seem to be moving back to the norm (new norm) with me going to work and Libby and the kids having play dates and running errands. I don’t like the fact that it is moving in this direction. I feel like I need to be doing something different, something big, making a difference and all I am doing is going to work for 10 to 14 hours a day, come home and kiss the kids goodnight and sit on the couch until[…]

by name

Somebody shared a saying with me that struck a chord. A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child’s memory. Few things have been so poignantly accurate for me in any part of this horrible journey. Tony and I talked about it today. About sharing the video of our Julys (the 4th and the garlic festival) with her, with family..We talked about how scary it is to know that people won’t always be willing or wanting to sit down and give 10 minutes of a celebration to her. We are now surrounded by child loss.. although it is a club nobody wants to join it is a club that is tight with its members. And everybody I have talked to shares stories about how and when it happens to them. I am actually going to keep this blog really short.. I want to write to my[…]

First 4th

**I tried to publish this earlier today but it didn’t go through** The 4th has proven to be the hardest holiday yet for all of us. Nicholas woke up in a foul mood.. only wanting mommy and he has stayed that way until right now.. up from his nap playing with Daddy while I write. Driving to my brothers house I was already back and forth in tears.. The moment we parked “A thousand years“came on the radio.. and in that moment I came undone. Tony wanted too also.. but he felt like he needed to be the strong one for me. That ended up with him having some high frustration. On the drive home we talked a lot about that snapshot in time of our day.. Trading off weak moments used to be an unwritten rule for us. But now its not. Now we have to be able to[…]

evolving

Another holiday looming. ..without her. But its the first year .. so I know people will care. I know they will notice me and try to be extra gentle.. I am thankful for that.. but so fearful for years to come. I think the horrifying truth is hitting me.. Its never going to get better. Never going to get easier. I will just adjust to it. I look at pictures of her in the time when knew she had cancer. How well she just automatically compensated for her weakness on her right side.  I guess I will eventually just do that.be able to function and get through a day without a onslaught of tears. I will be able to learn to live with a huge piece of what make me who I am missing.. but I will forever be compensating. I am starting to feel such a pull inward again..[…]