I am a blogger

A friend of mine encouraged me .. strongly.. to go to a blogging conference. Who even knew things like that existed!

It really helped me to clarify my focus and my goals. I want to speak her name. Hear others speak her name and galvanize efforts to save kids from toxic treatments and parents from joining my ranks.

7 today lose their son or daughter to cancer.

**I got a hug from Arianna Huffington**
**I got a hug from Arianna Huffington**

It was both scary and energizing to walk up to groups of people and introduce myself. I always tried to have them share their blog/story first since my seemed to be a conversation changer. Although that was hard.. I did what I always seem to do.. and I imagined what it will be like in 2 yrs. To say my daughter has been gone 2 yrs from a brain tumor no survival. .. it will hopefully still have a impact but not the same sobering one it does now.. I won’t be earning an almost automatic respect/moment of silence in her honor.

Although it was hard to say over and over again.. to see the look of disbelief and people that are so gifted with language struggle for words to say.. it will be harder when it doesn’t have the same blow to them.. Because I will always carry with me a shadow of disbelief and struggle with words…

I got so many hugs and heard so many other stories of heartbreak.. and many of triumph.

I was ballsy and brave… yet broken beyond belief

The most common response was I don’t know how you are here.. how you are doing this.

.. the truth..

I’m not so sure I know either. Except that I was and I did..

Something  bigger than me was spurring me along.. silently whispering in my ear that this was where I was supposed to be. ..giving me a presence and strength I didn’t know I had. One of the only times I cried publicly was sitting at a table and a woman I was with asked about my tattoo.. girl on fire started playing. Jonathan’s song for his big sister..and so I remembered..

..  I did it for them. For my 3 surviving gifts.

3 kidsI promised myself .. very early on in this – early on – 9 months from diagnosis tomorrow.. its still early on. .. So I will change it to those first days – those first days that I promised myself that if I was ever mother to a child before a tumor board.. a child with a oncologist I would be freed from the most crippling of my guilts..

I didn’t do anything to fight for change in childhood cancer, to find out the truths, or as my expanding village has dubbed it, “the glitter”. After such a struggle to become a mom.. her mom.. If I had invested the same energy for those 6 beautiful years.. maybe.. just maybe she wouldn’t be gone.

I am their mother still. And I push through my days.. sometimes fighting against an intense longing for the freedom of sitting behind my computer screen and releasing. .. I smile and we laugh and I take care of them.. good care of them..

I do not rip apart in front of them. I do not show them the intensity that this darkness can often times hold.. I take care of my Jonathan. My Nicholas. My Charlotte. .. all while desperately missing my Jennifer.

I take care of them.

That’s why I was there.. that’s how I was there.

… because I was taking care of them in the way I failed for 6 yrs to do for her.

The pen is mightier than the sword.. I am a blogger. a writer. And with that .. comes a weight and a strength and now I believe a chance to cure our kids.

…it will always be too late. It will never be enough..

But damn-it.. we just might do it.

big mouth

…until there is a cure…

 

 

34 Responses to “I am a blogger”

  1. Libby I am so glad you went to the blogging conference! You are an amazing blogger and your words touch me each time! You are just so amazing to me. I will continue to help spread the glitter. God Bless you! Xoxo

  2. I am so proud of you, Libby. You have been truthful, strong and brave through this horrible nightmare. I will stand by you today, tomorrow and many years from now. I will continue to say Jennifer’s name and spread the glitter. Hugs to all 6 of you. xxoo

  3. I feel sad when you say you failed! Words are powerful and you didn’t fail, you HAVE been and ARE doing wonderful things! Your blog is amazing, you reach so many people. Why did you have to walk this road? Who knows, maybe you will KNOW the answer some day but FAIL, NO I don’t think so! Lots of Healing
    energy coming your way.

  4. I love the new blog – I am so proud of you! I so look forward to seeing what you do with it; I will follow the journey with you and help where I can. Christina Perri just debuted a new song and I think it can totally be your theme song (assuming you need one ;))

    Looking for an exit in this world of fear
    I can see the path that leads away
    Mama never left, and daddy needs me here
    I wish the wind would carry a change
    Looking through the window to a world of dreams
    I can see my future slip away
    Honey you won’t get there if you don’t believe
    I wish the wind would carry a change

    I’ve had enough
    I’m standing up
    I need, I need a change
    I’ve had enough
    Of chasing luck
    I need, I need a change

    I’m setting fire to the life that I know (I know)
    Let’s start a fire everywhere that we go (we go)
    We starting fires,
    We starting fires till our lives are burning gold
    Till our lives are burning gold

  5. Oh Libby! You are the bravest, most courageous women, mother friend, wife, aunt and daughter i know. It is an honor to read yur blog every single time you post one. Thankyou so much for sharing Jennifer with all of us. We love you, we love her so much and we love your whole family! LOVE4JLK♡ FOREVER6

  6. Here you are, and here you’ll be…forever a fighter for a cure in Jennifer’s name! Almost like a fairy tale with an ending unlike most. We will flutter and spread glitter in Jennifer’s name. THAT you can rely on. Intense prayers for you and your family for continued strength…until there is a cure…Hugs

  7. Good job Libby! You are already amazing at articulating your thoughts, I will continue to follow you and be here for you.

  8. Libby you are on your way to making a difference!! I hope that I can help any way I can. You are going to make a difference in many children’s lives. Although I know you wish it could of been for Jennifer but its because of Jennifer that all this will make a difference. Continue blogging and expressing your feelings. I read your blog everyday and some day’s I write, some days I just read and some days I cry. I have just one daughter that is all that God blessed me with and I still worry about her every minute of every day. That is what mothers do. You are a amazing mother and I just can’t tell that enough. As I said in many of my other posts I don’t know if I could function if I were you. But instead you are a mission to make a difference for those children and parents that are hit with that monster disease. I am proud to be part of this and my involvement will be all I can do to help this mission to be a success. Although I am not a rich person I will do my part to raise for your funds. God Bless you and your family Libby and don’t let anyone discourage you for what you are doing. !!!!

  9. I’m so glad that the conference was so productive! While I follow along with Jennifer’s continued story to keep up with your journey and how we can all help bring changes to the world of pediatric cancer, I have to say that I highly admire you as a writer as well. Your gift of writing paired with your unwavering passion is really, really inspiring. I passed along a book, I don’t know if it ever reached you, but I think you might enjoy connecting with Susannah Conway. Her courses Unravelling (coincidence!) and Blogging from the Heart are phenomenal.

  10. Libby, you amaze each one of us. Beyond what any written word could express. You not only blog Libby….you teach….you inspire (even in your most darkest moments of writing) and you make changes. More than you know Libby Kranz!!!!

  11. Libby, you did not “fail” Jennifer in any way, shape or form. Please work through that- you were her chosen partner.

  12. Following you over to the new home of the blog to support you… Your grace and strength are inspiring. Keep Going Libby!!!!!

  13. Libby, you are amazing! We are all on this glitter train with you and will not get off until there is a cure!

  14. You continue to inspire me! You are an amazing blogger. You draw so many people in. I believe there will be a cure in our lifetime. People like you are ensuring that. Social media is helping people who aren’t “in it” like me get “in it.” The pen is mightier than the sword, indeed! I said her name 5 times today, once with each of my classes. She will be remembered.

  15. Wow… you are amazing. I have three little girls and I can’t imagine losing one of them. But thank you for blogging, for sharing your story, for reaching out through your pain to the rest of us, to make us think or to encourage us. Keep blogging! 🙂

  16. Oh Libby I feel sad to hear you say you failed. I understand it, but I do not and will never agree. Your blog posts tell me many things, and one of them is that you always were and continue to be an AMAZING mum to Jennifer, Jonathan, Nicholas, and baby Charlotte. And you will and are making a difference. You will do this. We will pray, fight, and will with you every step of the way

  17. I have no words for what hearing you read at open mic did to me. You are an Amazing mother and an incredible writer. Thank you. My gratitude is More than you can know.

  18. Some how I missed this entry until now. You continue to inspire so many and survive the unimaginable. Yes, your 4 children are your gifts, amazing gifts. But, WOW, what an incredible gift YOU are to them and those of us you are have impacted so deeply. Sending my love today and every day.

  19. So happy we had the opportunity to have coffee and talk, Libby. The way you continue to parent Jennifer’s memory would make her proud.

    I’m always around if you need me. xoxo

    1. Thank you. It truly meant the world to me. And as always.. dammit that we have a reason to meet.

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