Connecting

I think she is connecting us.

A week or so ago (I have no grip on time right now) I was lamenting in the kitchen how Jennifer never got to try coffee.. she sent me sign which I thanked her for immediately. I don’t think it really sunk in though.

A few days later doing the same thing.. thinking abut all the things she would never get to do while making my coffee Jonathan spoke up.

“Remember when you let me and Jennifer have some of the top stuff aka foam”

I did… She got to try coffee!

A few days ago I mentioned picnics in their room. They, Jonathan in particular,  know about the non profit.. they know that not all kids die from cancer and our goal is to make it so less children die. They know pediatric is fancy for kid. But we don’t talk about my blog. I don’t think it would be a benefit to them to know I write/share about us right now. Eventually I hope they read.. and know how very much they were loved.. every moment of every day. Right now though I don’t even open the blog page up in front of them.

So in that blog I had a picture of one of those bedroom picnics..Jennifer and her brothers. They used her dress up clothes chest as their table. They usually ate quesadilla on those days, less mess. Today driving home from errands I asked if that sounded like a good lunch. Jonathan immediately said yes but I want a picnic in our room.

the room that used to be their room .. his and his big sister.. now he shares it with his little brother.

“No problem we can do that.. “

“With her princess box.”

Luckily we were at a light because my eyes couldn’t help but fixate on him.. It has been over a year since we did that last. She had too many dress up clothes and we had to rip the lid off.. then it didn’t work so well as their table.. They had one of those shelving unit with lots of smaller plastic bins.. all pink and purple and princess of course. They used those as chairs.

Every other week I was in that room organizing those bins.. wanting barbies, all naked with chewed up feet, in one bin and cars in another.. Now it sits perfectly organized in her room.

… her room that she will never play in again. The room we moved her to since she very firmly asked for it.. before the rest of us knew how short her time would be..

I think she knew. I think it was her way of taking care of Jonathan.. Having him and Nicholas sharing a room before she left us. A protective big sister always.

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I couldn’t even remember if we still had it or had gotten rid of it in favor of a bigger box for her ever growing costume collection..

“I’m not sure we still have it son. I think we may have gotten rid of it before she died.”

” I want her princess box.”

“ok I will look”

 

**tree decorating called for a costume**
**tree decorating called for a costume**

We got home and I went into her room.. opened her closet door and there it was. Overflowing with costumes that used to get worn on the regular.. now untouched. I tried not to look around at her hanging dresses too much.. I was already crying and I didn’t know how much more I could stand.

To make it work I had to pull them out of the box. I could have spent all day there with those dress up clothes.. touching.. remembering.. trying to find her smell..

But of course I couldn’t really..

I carried it to the boys room and set up their table.. I put out pillows in hopes it would suffice.

 

All 3 of my living babies and her minnie mouse gathered around her make shift table and ate.. I cried. .. a simple steady stream the whole time.

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“Because I miss sissy and because I love you guys so much. It makes me feel so happy to have you all getting along so well. “

Tonight at counseling I shared that I am scared to trust the signs I think she is sending.. Jonathan often notices them too.. and gets just as excited as I do..He gets equally jazzed over something else that doesn’t seem to speak to me. ..

Tonight Tony shared he feels she sends him a sign as well..

..the other thing that Jonathan gets so excited for.

I think she is connecting us…

through him.

Best friends..

forever and ever.

Gilroy Family Photographer | JLK Glitter Shoot-111

 

…until there is a cure..

34 Responses to “Connecting”

  1. How beautifully written; how beautifully felt; how beautifully connected…until there is a cure. Amazing story of courage and strength. Continued prayers for peace and comfort AND moments with Jennifer’s spirit keeping you connected! Faith be yours, sweet Libby! Hugs…

  2. Sweet affirmations….in the balance of things, pain/joy….love/grief….the lifeline to cling to is that Love wins. Jennifer will always be part of you, part of her family….just sitting here in a quiet moment of peacefulness, so thankful that you are so aware of the nuances of ways that Jennifer’s spirit is still connected to all of you. I pray you feel some of her glitter today.

  3. Although my tears were close by, this blog post made me smile! I love the protective Big Sister photos! #love4jlk

  4. She sure loved/s her brother. This blog brings a sadness and happiness to my heart.
    I love all these pictues they are simply perfect.

  5. I have chills as well. How incredible. Thinking back over the posts you have shared and all those moments that Jonathan seems to say or notice or realize what you are thinking, it makes complete sense. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

  6. Wow this blog reminded me of all those moments we spend reorganizing after the kids trying to make their play spaces work better. Or maybe just able to be walked through ! And reminded me to appreciate that chaos a bit. Thank you Libby for the reminder. You are evolving. I love the way you parent. Your kids are so beautiful !!

    It’s so cool you can feel those messages and Nudges from Jennifer! All of you are like that book where everyone has that invisible string attached and you are tuned into the tugs on it coming from your kids !

  7. Amazing protective big sister. I’m so glad she is connecting and sending you signs. It makes my heart warm to know she is connecting with Jonathan. He is such a sweet boy. Thank you for sharing these beautiful pictures. I love all of you so much! xoxoxoxo so much love4jlk

  8. I am so happy for you all Libby. That Jennifer is connecting with you all. She is there. The pictures are beautiful beyond words. They tug at my heart. We love you all Libby. All 6 of you. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  9. Beautiful! There will be more signs, and they will become more obvious. That feeling you get when you know for a fact your loved one is trying to connect with you is indescribable. You’ll get those who don’t believe, and at times you’ll feel it’s just you wanting to believe that it’s her. Just know that it is her! May she continue to send you signs from above that she is happy and free and looking over you all. ♥♥♥

  10. Wow beautiful and how wonderful to see your kids getting along and the love they all have for each other is amazing. What a beautiful person Jennifer was. All that love we see and all that closeness with her brothers and her sister is something you did. You taught her/them that. Your a wonderful mother with so much love for your children. I hate that you lost Jennifer it hurts me I can only imagine your pain. I will keep your family all 6 of you in my prayers and may you continue to see signs from your “GLITTER GIRL” and may she reconnect with all of you to bring some happiness along with the sadness she is no longer here with you. Sending you and Tony and your sweet children many many ~~~Hugs~~~. I love your family as if it was a part of mine!!!

  11. I have been praying daily for her to send you signs. My brother sure does send us signs from Heaven. I am thankful for the knowledge we’ll see them again someday. Watch for them, trust them. She is connecting with you and through you.

  12. Libby dont be afraid of jennifers signs, it’s her way of connecting with you and to let you know she’s there, it takes time to understand, but you will in time, and then you’ll be like me youll find yourself talking to her i accually find it comforting in a way. Remember Jennifer’s your guardian Angel now and kids for some reason are more prone for angels to connect with. I not surprised you getting signs due to the close bond you two have and the love for each other. Big hugs for your beautiful family of 6

  13. I can just *feel* Jennifer in that photo. I just *know* she was there with you guys. Probably in some glittery costume enjoying lunch right on with you all.

    Trust your gut. Trust your feelings. You are her mother, you know better than anyone.

    Love and light.

  14. So glad you’re feeling/seeing signs, especially for Jonathan. Saw a dragonfly on our step outside and thought of Jennifer.

  15. This sent shivers down my spine. Good shivers. I am so happy that Jennifer is sending you these signs.

  16. Jennifer, keep sending your Momma those signs. Be open to them, Libby. I believe she is showing you she’s with you and watching over you.

  17. This one put a lump in my throat. I’m so glad you found that chest and they were able to picnic – that photo is priceless! Those new moments will help them hold onto those memories with Jennifer too. So precious.

  18. So beautiful. A love this strong is so amazing to witness, still praying to Heaven for you to see and feel all the signs, because there has never been any doubt she is with you all always<3

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