I do now

I am so tired tonight.. just feeling drained and gutted.. angry.. weak..

tired.

Its the mundane day to day that’s doing it to me. I miss her. More and more each and every day. How is that even possible? Every night I go to bed thinking its got to get better… this has to be the hardest.

its never been. Every day is harder. And its really scary. I never understood how life could be so hard or so big that somebody would want to give up.

I do now.

Every single breath I take hurts. Fills my lungs with an ache.. that can never be eased. I think in 10 yrs it will be holidays K-2014-01-04-074and anniversaries that are so hard.. I will somehow adjust to this new life without her. But now… today.. yesterday.. and I can only assume tomorrow .. the day to day rips into me..

Everything makes me think of her.. memories made.. and memories lost.. ones we will never be granted.

The boys started swim lessons.. Jennifer was such a natural, always loved the water (like Tony). Jonathan has always really disliked the water.. (like me). But he is trying so hard… pushing himself.  I cry at the lesson.. behind sunglasses.. just my boys in there so nobody sees. .I think about how she would be so excited to see him learning to do one of her favorite things.. I think about her last year in her blue and white flowered swimsuit in the same pool.. perfecting her skills.. and the year before when she actually learned to swim.DSC_0114

DSC_0013How unfair for my Jonathan. Working so hard to impress a mom who is trapped inside her own destruction.

And for Nicholas..  after the first class  we got in the car and I couldn’t contain it. He looked at me. Not commenting that I was sad like he has been.. this time asking..

“I make you sad mommy?”

.. . .a mothers grief through the eyes of a 2 yr old.

I swear I could almost see her in that pool… but not enough.. never enough til I can touch her again.DSC_0015-1

I thought about how it would have been if she was still here… not even greedy enough to want the healthy her.. even the cancer her. How I would have gotten in with her.. its still May we should have still had 2 months left.. Maybe she would have been able to swim by herself.

She couldn’t at DisneyWorld.. but that was tumor progression… Going in the pool, just her and Daddy was something she was so looking forward to. And she had lost her ability to swim. Something that came so naturally to her.. something she was so proud of.

I just want my daughter.

I’m scared other bereaved parents are lying to me.. telling me it gets easier..That its just something you are supposed to say….

a lie I will one day tell too.

I took the kids out today. Tony was struggling and I felt like he just needed the time to be alone.. in his misery. We started out just going on a walk but ended up at a park. Again I am overcome with memories .. going to this park weekly when I was still pregnant with Nicholas. I enjoyed those times.. watching my two play together. .. me talking with new friends.

I wish I had gotten in there with her those times. I know its impossible.. even overcome with heartache the way I am now I don’t do it with my living kids.. I just wish I hadn’t wasted a moment with her. The only way I can have her now is to put Charlotte in her old clothes.. .

IMG_4588writing tonight I feel so unfair to my beautiful living children.. how hard it is to lose your big sister and the mommy you once knew…

I remembered our last time there.. She was already in Kindergarten.. first lice outbreak at school. I was so worried she would get it.. cuz wouldn’t that just suck so bad. She didn’t get it.. not then. Later though. And because of my perspective change it was a good memory.. because its one with her. One I got to be fully engaged with her..

I’m so scared I don’t have the stamina for this level of pain. ..of grief. . I am so scared the people in my life don’t either. . That I am given allowances this year.. maybe even next…but after that???

When we got home Tony was watching videos of her.. he told me later there was one from DisneyWorld that he thought showed she knew… that she knew she was dying..

What if she did? What if I was supposed to talk to her more and better about it? What if she was scared? I look back.. there were so many signs along the way that I missed. ..

i am so sorry my love.. eternally sorry..i will spend this lifetime making it up to you.. .

oh if i could just hold you again. if i could just talk with you again.

I wish I had filmed her talking more.. and singing..
I want to run outside. Into the dark of my backyard .. into the sound wall.. over and over again. something . anything to numb this pain.

this blog makes no sense. .

oh god tonight I just miss her.

tonight I am just so scared.

DSC_0212

53 Responses to “I do now”

  1. Praying, asking God to hold you tight. May you rest your weary head on Him and sleep,, dear Libby. And hear Jennifer’s sweet voice saying “I love you forever, mommy. “

  2. This blog makes every bit of sense Libby. That’s the hard part for us readers. How much sense your writings tonight DO make is exactly what scares me. I hurt for you Libby like you will never know. Another difficult part for us readers. Just wanting to hug you and make you truly understand how much we care, how much we hurt for you…but we can’t…..

  3. so sorry. just…….so sorry. no words other than that. you don’t know me but if there is anything i can do……i would do it in a heartbeat…..you have my email…..weird perhaps to contact a total stranger for help……a thought i do have that may help…..i work at a crisis line…work sunday nights from 10:45 pm through @ seven a.m. i am the only one there at eleven……..would be so happy to talk to you and help you through this grief…..855-278-4204……it would be answered “suicide and crisis” but we mostly talk to people in crisis…….please call me……if you are comfortable or want to do so….i would be honored…

  4. I cry with you tonight. There is nothing I can say, but my tears are falling in silent solidarity.

    “If you’re going through hell, keep going” ~ Winston Churchill

  5. It makes sense to me. I hope it is true that things will get easier in time, I hope so with my whole heart.
    I pray for all 6 of you

  6. So much love to you, Libby. I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say right now. I continue to ache for you and your family.

  7. I hardly ever comment because I don’t knowwhat to say but I want you to know I am stull here checking for a new post and praying fir you everyday!

  8. Wishing I could give you big hugs. I am not sure if this helps you, but your words drive me. I got a lot of No’s while calling around for a MNO East Bay venue. But your words and your sweet Jennifer drive me…I will find a venue. I will host an East Bay MNO. I will spread the glitter.

  9. It makes complete sense and I hate this for you. We will continue to be there for you forever. For whenever and whatever you need….and I know so many others will be too. We love you Lib.

  10. Libby, you are doing the best that you can, given the ………..that you have been dealt. All of your family is with you and will always be with you!!!! Love You

  11. Libby your blogs make perfect sense. You need to get out how you feel, Your a mother whos lost a hugh part of Her heart her life her world her daughter, I cry and feel your pain i feel so connected to you and we’ve never even met funny how things happen that way, I look at it as were now all one big family here for you and to keep Jennifers memories alive.big hugs and Angel kisses.

  12. This blog totally makes sense Libby. I miss JLK and I didnt know her personally. I’m always thinking of you and your family. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  13. I’m so sorry things are getting harder for you, Libby and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I’m hundreds of miles away, I am sending love and prayers to you. I am here for you.

  14. I still think about Jennifer. Often. And I think of you and your family. I can’t change anything or make anything better but I wNt you all to know you are remember. With love.

  15. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope that you can grow closer to God through this. He loves you! I hope that you can find peace in church and I hope that you share your thoughts with your doctor. I can only imagine, the loss of a child must be extremely hard to go through on your own.

  16. I don’t know how I know but I know you will have better days. At the same time you will never forget a stitch of the important stuff. I see such amazing things for your future because you are already part of amazing things. This blog gives me hope for anyone, even myself , surviving this kind of loss. It gives me hope when I’ve been suffering from depression. You’ve made me a better, Mom, and I already was a very sentimental Mom adopting my 3 kids. I know what it’s like to wait to be a Mom. And I am mad at God that we both had to fight to be Moms and I thought it was like a better guarantee that we couldn’t lose those babies that we fought so hard to have . This reality sucks!! But in there you and I know that we were hand picked to be their Moms and be what they needed. Right now my first born is really struggling. I know I am so lucky to have a teen to struggle with. You have given me that gift. JLK looks a lot like her with that huge open mouth smile. At least when she was that age. I pray she makes it through because her depression is bad. All I want to do is remind her of how hard you guys fought to save JLK. See, Libby, you have so much purpose. You have so much love in your story and love is bigger than all of this. Please don’t give up!! You can do this.

  17. I am so sorry Libby. My heart aches so much for you. I dont know you and I didnt know your beautiful Jennifer, but I miss and think about her every single day. If there is ever ever anything you need I am here. I will always be here. I wear 2 bracelets in her memory every single day. I dont want to ever forget her. She was and ALWAYS will be an amazing beautiful little girl. All my love to you and your family. LOVE4JLK♡

  18. My heart is sad for you. I have no words of comfort. I’ve read every blog you’ve written and I can’t imagine the hurt inside. I just wanted to put a hug out there for you and your family. Tony and I went to high school together, back when life was simple and easy. I want to badly to help a friend out but I know I can’t. I can’t even find the right words to say. So to you, tony and your babies I just put out a hug.

  19. I am so sorry and wish that she’s was still with you. Everything you are saying makes sense and your children all know how much you love them. You and Tony are doing the best you can in an impossible situation. Please don’t be so hard on yourselves and know that we are all out here sending you love across the miles.

  20. My heart is broken for you. I’ve haven’t lost a baby, but I’m guessing that the pain doesn’t actually lessen, it just becomes more familiar- more tolerable as the norm. Your little daughter. I’m so, so sorry.

  21. Libby

    Your mind is telling you to give up but your heart wants to hold on for your 3 living children. Hold on..You are stronger than your mind is allowing you to believe.

  22. With tears steaming down my face I am so so heartbroken for you and your family… Why beautiful loving families loose their children and suffer the most unimaginable loss while parents that get to hold and keep their angels but don’t understand how precious they are and hurt them everyday and these monsters live I will never understand life! I wish with every ounce of my soul that time helps you live a life that let’s you smile and enjoy your living children… My heart aches for your life without Jennifer on so many levels this is wrong my love and prayers to you always xx

  23. Hugs, love, light. I think of you throughout the day. You are deep in it. It may sound weird to say but I keep thinking, you are doing great. You are doing great. Keep going. You got this.

  24. Still reading every single day Libby. We love you and your whole family. I pray one day you have some peace. It breaks my heart to even imagine your loss.

  25. Yes you do make sense. I’m just so so sorry that you are hurting so. No one should have to hurt like this. Prayers and love. Xxx

  26. Why why why why why??? I just don’t understand how this happened to your family. I can’t get my head around it. I struggle each time I read your blog to see how anything can be good again. I’m so sorry, sorry in the deepest, most profound way that “sorry” can’t even approach.

  27. I just read this someplace and thought about you
    “The only people who think there is a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart ❤️ Take all the time you need Libby….❤️

  28. We have a swim meet at Valley Christian in a few weeks. Emily and Amy would like you to ask Jennifer to guide them along the way.

  29. I don’t know what to say… I feel for you and your family and all of you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

  30. well … listening to your posts and watching the little ones grow – hard to believe it’s already been 3.5 months…not fair. Your little ones are so darn cute. hugs to you

  31. When I first read your blogs, I prayed for her. Of course I did. I felt so connected to your beautiful daughter, without knowing her. Perhaps, because I am adopted, perhaps because I live in Gilroy, perhaps because I struggled too to become pregnant…….

    But now, I pray for you. You are really a wonderful mother, a mother that we all wish, on our worst days to be, because you are so strong, so incredible. I wish this hadn’t happened to you and especially to her and my words are so small and do not carry the full weight of my feelings for your loss. I truly believe that despite your doubt and pain Jennifer knew what a glorious mother you are. I can see it in her eyes; in every picture your post!

    never doubt any feeling you have, never feel guilty over your feelings, they are yours and you certainly do not need to justify them.

    Please know that I am here. I can not take away your pain (I wish I could) but hopefully I can help you carry it.

  32. Libby, my heart just breaks for you. I want to promise you it will get better but what do I know. All I can say is I am here for as long as it takes, hoping and praying that it does get easier somehow. Thinking of all of you so much. <3

  33. I don’t think those other parents lied, and I am sure you don’t think they did either. You are just at the beginning of a journey they’ve been on for some time. But perhaps you are concerned that once the edges dull and the really bad times come less frequently, that it means you are forgetting her. You must know that will never never happen. Her memory will be something that will always leave you with an emotion, but it will not always be the raw, nearly unbearable emotions you confront every day now. And I venture to say that you will smile when you remember her instead of fighting the all consuming despair of now. If I was going through this, I would be sad for my living children and all that has been stolen from them. It is my fondest hope that there is a period of time every day, where through sheer willpower you can give them the best of you, even if you are faking it. They won’t know, they are too young. Just to put smiles on their faces. I know you try every day, and it’s a lot easier to say than do. I hope I am not out of line, I say this born of a true wish for you and your beautiful family.

  34. I envision you not as “a mom who is trapped inside her own destruction”, rather I envision you as a mom going through her own “construction”. Remodeling your reality, gutting out your old life, demolition of your old dreams, reconstruction with new plans you did not choose, forced to build a new house while longing for the old… it all sucks, but I believe you will make it out of this. It will never ever be your beloved old house, but I pray that one day, it wont be so painful to be in your new house. I am just rambling, but in my rambles there is positive energy coming your way <3

  35. I wish there was a way I could take on some of your pain. I know so many people that would take on an ounce or a pound or a ton if they could. I know I cant, so all I can do is let you know I am still here reading your words and remembering your beautiful daughter. Sending you strength for every moment of your day, and grace, and hope, and peace and love. Lots and lots of love.

  36. hugs and prayers Libby… I sit here and cry with you, cry for you. I cant imagine the day to day pain you must feel. But I am here and praying that some how it becomes a little easier for you <3

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