hardest

Another Wednesday..

means another week has passed. .. 8 week in total since I held her and felt her. I spoke with somebody tonight about what that time was like.. those last 36 hours with her. Lying in her room with her. I knew she was dying.. knew she would be gone forever.

I had no idea what that really meant. What that really looked like and felt like.

***she lived 10 more days**
***she lived 10 more days**

It surprises me…constantly on this journey.. How hard it is.. I knew it would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I mean I thought I really really knew and understood.. was prepared.

“hardest” doesn’t even begin to so it justice… not even scratch the surface.

Its like a tornado of all the “hardest” I could ever imagine feeling..deafening sounds..whistling in my ears..

I feel like much of my day is spent in “the calm before the storm”. .. .just walking through the motions… knowing its coming.. feeling the pressure build as my time…my blogging time .. .gets closer. I wonder sometimes if I am doing this all wrong.. . if its unhealthy.. unfair to her to not feel the “hardest” all day long.. Its in there always.

Always.

Always. But I don’t feel like I can survive in the eye of the storm all day long.

Survive… what a unique word that is. It can be so much

.. . .and so little too.

Surviving.. what I am doing. It’s not the same as living.

But I am doing it. That’s something.

Why do I write?  I do it because it shares our story in this world of pediatric cancer.. attempting to shine a light to one families.. journey… loss.

of 5 peoples survival.. and 1 little girls …whats the opposite of survival?

.. . .destruction?IMG_0232

I write because its my release. My time to succumb and sort out the mess of thoughts swirling in the gale force winds constantly moving through me.

Mostly though I have realized I write to connect to her. To talk about her .. every night I get to share her over and over again. DSC_0108

 

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Yesterday we had support group at night and brought all 3 of our living kids to my sisters..Aunties house. .. Its a good time for them there. They were already comfortable and bonded with all of her family (she has 5 kids) so I think there is a safety for them there.. and fun. Wresting and guy stuff…. for all of my guys. My nephews have stepped up for Tony too.

I used to think we just might have a shot of raising kids as good as all our nephews and nieces.. now I’m not so sure. The whole child rearing landscape has changed. I feel like there are so many land mines we have to try to dodge now..

My sister and I talked yesterday for quite a long time… all about the very beginning of it all. The visit to the first eye doctor.. and the 2nd one…the MRI when we found out she had a tumor.. DIPG. ..phone calls..Just talked and shared stories.. same ones we have told a few times IMG_2362already. I need that so desperately though. I need to talk about her and that time.

Its more than a desire… its a need. To relive it. Connect with it.. with her. Force the realization that all of that was real. That I lived it.. that they are my memories…some foggy and disjointed.. some crystal clear. .. so much feels like a tv show I watched versus my life. .. my daughter.

Jennifer.

I realized how scared I am that at some point people won’t want to talk about it anymore. Won’t want to share those same stories over and over again.. The good and the bad.

Easter is coming. I want to talk about her that day. Share my stories and hear other peoples stories. She was only 6 though.. she hadn’t lived many Easters.. I didn’t know how short our time together was… I didn’t commit much to memory..

thought I had time to do that..

So much of her precious life I was in the fog of pregnancy and newborn.. blessed wonderful times… but foggy and tired times too..

distracted.

 

I thought I had a lifetime left to absorb more. So the stories I have feel so limited. But its what I have. Its my connection to her. I hope so much my family will listen to the same stories over and over and over again…. every holiday and bbq..the things she did…

and every graduation and wedding too… the things she never got to do.

I am so scared though. So so scared that nobody will. That it will be too sad or too hard to remember the dead 6 yr old. That hearing the same stories over and over again will get too boring.

… those stories are all I have. A limited reserve. .. I wish I could remember more… I’m sorry sissy. I’ll never forget you…but I so wish I remembered more good stories.

I can’t explain how palpable that fear is for me.. that those closest… that will hear the stories most often will grow tired…won’t understand my need to keep telling them.. to hear them speak her name. Hell I don’t even think I understand it.  I feel ok writing this because I think most of my family doesn’t read this anymore..

Ironically enough this all started for my closest circle.. for those that knew us to stay connected and know what’s going on with her.. it grew.. thankfully so. . .but without her I think its understandably lost its meaning for them. .. while simultaneously the meaning has grown for me..

Its my way to breath her in again every night.

So let me say this. For anybody that thinks about sending us a note on monthly anniversaries of her passing.. or on her birthday or year anniversaries..Don’t unless you are in it for the long haul… committed to remembering us. her. year after year. The pain I have already experienced on a small scale of being forgotten is bad.. I can only imagine it gets worse. . .

Well now this all went a different way than I had planned. Today was a work day.. meeting to talk about the 5k on May 18th  and the event I am speaking at on May 9th. How I am working towards finding my place…where I best serve in the fight against pediatric cancer..

.. guess tonight is not the night for that.

Today was a busy day… a full of talking and doing day.

Those seem to pave the way for the” hardest “of nights.

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90 Responses to “hardest”

  1. I find myself checking my “in box” every night before going to bed in hopes of seeing that you have blogged…. tonight I’m glad you did. Seems extra needed tonight. Libby, know this, we are not leaving. Your number of readers, number of
    Advocates to this new realization of the terror of pediatric cancer is growing! I too have registered for the 5K. I have never ever done a marathon of any sort, but I am. In recognition of Jennifer. I will also be at the May 9th event. Just have a need now to do anything I can….even the small stuff. See, we are aware now. You made us aware. Jennifer made us aware. I thank you for that!

    1. I do the same… check my inbox every night looking to see if you have blogged. I will forever be here reading, even if you do not see a comment every time from me… I am ALWAYS reading, feeling your soul, praying for all of you, and most of all REMEMBERING Jennifer.

  2. Dates … they bring memories … some sad and some happy. May God continue to bring to you the happiest of memories of your dear Jennifer.

  3. She won’t be forgotten. One way to assure that is through a foundation. I have said it before, and i’ll say it again. Because of you and her and your story, I am in this fight for the long haul. Whatever events you plan, I’m there. Annual CureSearch Walk, i’m there and fundraising. I’m there.

  4. Oh, Libby, my heart breaks for you everyday. I continue to look for new blogs from you daily, and appreciate your honesty with all of us. I cannot speak on behalf of others and I am sorry if people are disappointing you. I know that you give me something in each of your blogs. A new challenge (such as turning one “no” into one “yes” each day). Also, I truly want to know how you are.

    You say you are going through the motions and I hear that, but in my opinion I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit. You don’t ever need to apologize for talking about the same stories, or recalling certain memories of Jennifer. Never apologize. There is simply nothing to apologize for. For me, I love hearing about them, seeing pictures. Her short time here made a huge impact, she lives through you, through her siblings. You are her way of keeping the memory of her alive.

    I am proud that you recognize that is what you want to do. Instead of freezing in crippling emotion, which I am sure you go through. You are surviving, but you are learning how to live again. It may be living with Jennifer, but one you are learning.

    You continue to amaze me daily. You are an incredible woman and mother. You are stronger than you realize.

    Thank you for baring your soul, thank you for opening up to us. In return, please continue to be kind to yourself. Jennifer would want nothing less for you.

  5. I find myself checking my inbox in the morning when I wake up. Since I’m on the east coast, it is about 3 or 4 in the morning here, when you are writing. I think? I hope that people will not forget Jennifer as time goes on. I think as long as you blog and keep us in the loop, we will read. I sure wished there was some way for me to help. I am brainstorming! Maybe we could do a 5k in Atlanta; or maybe once your nonprofit starts I could help raise money. I don’t know. I feel some connection to Jennifer even though I don’t know you guys personally. I also feel a strong urge to help in the fight against pediatric cancer. Time will tell…but I am here and I am listening…

  6. Oh Libby, I know many will move on so to speak and feel like they have forgotten, but more will always remember. I check my inbox nightly waiting for your blog, I am sadden when you take a night off, I understand but also sadden because I’m drawn to your blogging. You have helped me to not take my daughter for granted and too appreciate her. I wish so much you didn’t have to loose something so precious for me to be reading your blog , but please note you are helping so many of us in more ways than you know. You and Jennifer! Thank you for that. I find myself thinking if you and her throughout the day and praying. On another note I am so happy for you in regards to you are doing it! You are doing you first public speaking! Jennifer is looking down proud I am sure and smiling.

  7. I’ll be reading as long as you will be writing. Have you ever told her birth story, and how you guys found each other? I would love to know about that journey and any details you wish to share. Her life path amazes me…

  8. Nope. Not going anywhere. Every morning I make my coffee and most mornings I’m checking my phone while I walk down the stairs to see if you’ve blogged. I sit, cry, smile, pray, and drink my coffee reading and feeling connected to a friend that I love so dearly. We want to hear your memories. I love smiling at her pictures and hearing her laugh in my head. You’re are doing a beautiful job writing and honoring her!

  9. I’ll be there from far away, I stand for ur beautiful JENNIFER for ur beautiful family
    I check your blog every morning before starting my day
    Thanks 4 sharing ur glitter princess
    I love ur JLK

    1. I have never replied before but have read every blog. I’ve got three very busy ones under the age of five and feel too busy or don’t know the adequate words to say most of the time. But I will never, never forget your beautiful first born and her infectious smile. Her death has made a huge impact on my life. I hurt for you and pray much. Your honest writing has changed my perspective. Opened my eyes. Helped me through tough timers. Made me grateful for the blessings I have. Much love to you and know this is one person who will never forget and be forever impacted by your sweet child.

  10. Libby

    I check for you in my email every night. I look forward to reading and seeing her pictures too. You see by following your story for awhile there is a connection for us too over here on the other side of your words. Almost like we lost her too. Please keep sharing and never stop

  11. I read you every day and my heart breaks. I have hesitated to write, as I know there are no words – I feel inadequate. Yet, I KNOW how critical it is for you to be heard and have acknowledgement that you have been heard. I won’t for a moment suggest that my experiences are the same as yours. I have not lost a child. But I have done home hospice 3 times, and held my husband (age 50), my father and father-in-law, as they took their last breaths. I have watched my daughter battle cancer and survive….joyous that she is now a woman, and guilty that you lost your precious Jennifer. I am beyond grateful that there are still people in my life who will listen to the stories I still need to tell. They somehow understand that by talking and reliving the heartaches and horrors, I am comforted in a way and know that those people are not forgotten. I do understand the fear that they will be a vague memory for people, or that people will turn away because they are tired of hearing me. Thankfully, those handful of people are still there for me. I guess I just want you to know that people are, and will be there for you as well. Some strangers (many, I suspect) and some who are already solidly in your life. Nothing can “fix” this horrific loss for you and your family. But those who are willing to walk with you, will do their best to wrap you in caring and the sharpest corners of your grief will periodically round out – sometimes for only a short time – but maybe in that short time you will feel you can actually breathe. Please know that you and your family are held in many caring hearts. I am so very, very sorry that Jennifer is gone from you.

  12. Thank you for continuing to share your memories of Jennifer with us. We won’t let her be forgotten and we will be here for you when you decide what nonprofit avenue you are going to take. You are in our thoughts and our prayers every day.

    Vanessa

  13. I am hoping more memories and stories will be remembered. I am in it for the long haul. There is no way I could forget. Is it crazy that I want to be a Board Member on your non profit? That I want to do a philanthropic event each day in Jennifer’s honor? I hope you continue to share your Jennifer and memories with us. I am here. For the long haul.

  14. If I’m up at night I check my phone for updates, If I don’t see any it’s the first thing I do in the morning. I may not comment all the time but know I’m ALWAYS reading. Listening. We dont personally know you and your family, but we know you through your writing…and we love you dearly.

  15. Not forgotten- every morning (and I am not a morning person) this is the first thing I do- read the blog. She was something special- that is for sure. Just like her mom. Her pictures blow me away. The magic in her eyes is so apparent. We are here Libby.

  16. Jennifer will never be forgotten. I think you will be surprised at how many people, like myself, are in this with you for the long haul. I am doing the relay for life in Campbell this year, and Jennifer will be my inspiration while I walk, and I will be wearing my Love4JLK shirt and tell everyone I am walking with about her.

  17. She will never be forgotten. She will be brought with you everywhere, in your heart and mind…we keep them alive and make new memories even though they are not physically present, spiritually they always will be present. You will share all of your Life with her…she will
    Not miss a moment. And when your journey here is done you will
    Be reunited, and all the loss and suffering you went though will not exist any longer. She will forever be in your arms.

  18. I check this website every morning. It’s part of my daily routine, one of the first things I do when I wake up, whether you’ve written or not. I never met Jennifer, but I think about her, about you, about your family, every day.

  19. Libby Im here with you for the long haul, I will never get tired of your stories and I will never forget Jennifer

  20. Libby Im here with you for the long haul, I will never get tired of your stories and I will never forget Jennifer

  21. I am here Libby. I will never forget her.I will never forget you and your family. I dont want to. Jennifer, you, her life her story, your life your continuing story has impacted my life tremendously. I will be here…always. I think about Jennifer so so very much. Extra love and prayers for you today and everyday. I wear a pink and gold bracelet for Jennifer in memory of her. I wear it every single day. Thankyou Libby. God bless you ♡.

  22. You may feel like some have “moved on” but I can tell you that they have been forever changed by your family.

    I know that you struggle with the term”three living children”. I like to think of them as your “three youngest children” because they will always have their sister.

  23. Libby – I am here for the long haul. I will read this blog for as long as you will type and share with us. And I will remember sweet JLK always. I hope to hear more stories and see more pictures of her in the days, months, years to come <3

  24. Let me also add that having a brother/sister-in-law who also lost a child… by you being so honest on this blog (that I hope those closet to you will continue to read) by being open and letting us all know that you want to hear her name… you want to hear and tell the memories/stories that is of great help. For me, I felt (feel) the same. I want so deeply to hear my nephew’s name, to speak about him, to hear others remembering him. But, as time has gone on I sometimes wonder if it is too hard for my brother/sister-in-law to talk about him or hear his name (and I think others think that too). So most people think about him, but are scared to mention his name, in fears it will make them sad. I don’t think this is even coming out clearly what I am typing, but just thought I needed to try to get out of my head what I was thinking. I think it is very important for you to let everyone know to keep saying her name, keep talking about her from here on until forever. That yes it may bring you tears, but it is a good thing, it makes you feel her… remember her… to KNOW she is not forgotten. If you think they are not reading this blog, I think you should send them all texts or emails telling them this…. please forever keep her name and her memories alive, never wonder if you should or should not speak of something about her.

  25. I check in on you every morning on your blog. You inspire me to be a better, a nicer, mother. I am coming on the 9th, a hip momma (though I am anything but hip these days!). Sending you peace for today <3

  26. Libby, that walk is amazing!! Proceeds towards Jennifer’s fund??! That’s incredible. Are you walking, do you have a donation page set up?? I’m sure those of us who can’t physically be there would LOVE to contribute, I know I would!! You should share a link on Facebook. I also recently met with someone from CareSearch about organizing the San Diego walk. Everything we do, all the glitter we spread is because of you and Jennifer.
    And you can talk to us about her as often and as for as long as you want. I doubt anyone would ever tire of sharing her memory with you.

  27. Libby-you are giving so so much with your words, your honesty, your reality. I will read you as long as you are there to read. And I will never forget Jennifer. Ever. I say her name when I pray for her. I say it out loud. Often. Long haul. I promise.

  28. We’ll never tire of hearing more or hearing more of the same. One day at a time, Libby – you’re nailing in, in the midst of your pain, anger, swirl of emotions, you’re just nailing it. You are so loved!

  29. I will read your blog for as long as you write. I have followed your story from day one and wished I knew you, so I could do something, anything that could help you and your family.
    I know you don’t think you’re inspirational, but you inspire me everytime you share yourself with us.
    Jennifer is so BLESSED to have you for her mama!

  30. Lots of love to you, from someone still here. Here for as long as you’ll have me. Thank you for sharing more of your Jennifer with all of us. <3

  31. Libby, many people have fallen in love with Jennifer.
    Reading your blog is like reading a beloved book – a true story.
    We don’t want the book to end because it touches our hearts and souls and connects us to humanity. You will keep writing until you don’t need to anymore. And we will keep reading because of our love for JLK and your family. You share your raw emotions when you write. And in that truth, we want to dwell. Because it is real. Because there is so much in the world that is dishonest, deceiving, fake. Yes, Libby, we do want to keep reading about Jennifer. We want to know all of her story. What led up to this magnificent love you have for her? Will you tell us more about life ‘before’ Jennifer’ and then about her gift of life to you?
    Take care, Libby. When you write, we will read. When you don’t write, we will understand.

  32. I look for your blog post every morning. I rarely (once) comment but my heart cries for you daily.

    My sisters baby boy is battling the C word. Totally sucks but he’s alive. I feel guilty saying that. I’m so sorry. He is a young brave warrior as well. Sister had a daughter died from SIDS few yrs ago. She’s terrified of losing another. Somehow your posts help give me a glimpse into her possible feelings, pains, challenges.

    with love & gratitude

  33. I read your blog every time you post. And typically I don’t respond. I have no words, but you are always on my mind. I am one of those moms you talked about few weeks back. My son had cancer. Was diagnosed last May, at the age of 2.5. I was that mom in a restaurant, where people stare at his hairless head, no eye brows, or eyelashes. I was also pregnant at the time. You mentioned that you would not approach that mom, because you are her nightmare. I want to say, that you are not. You are her hero. You are surviving. Everything you talked about is so close to me, even though my child is in remission. I worry that I don’t pay enough time to the baby, because I am so worried about my “cancer” child. I did not have milk to breast feed, stress took it away. I pray that my child stays in remission. But every day is full of fears and angst. I want to say, thank you to you for looking for “your place” in this war of Pediatric Cancer. You are a Warrior, and our kids need you on our side. Please enjoy the beautiful moments with your kids. You daughter absolutely wants you too. She is watching all of you, over you. Your beautiful angel is always with you. I will not forget you, I couldn’t. You are always, always, on my mind, and I truly hope, that one day you find peace. I am still looking for mine.

  34. Maybe people could send you stories of their time with Jennifer? I’m sure that would remind you of things you might have forgotten or not even have known?

    I think of you (and Jennifer) often, even though I don’t comment on your posts.

    Elly

  35. Still here….still reading. I read every day even if I don’t respond. Jennifer and you have become a part of my day.

  36. I read everyday. One day I woke up and there your story was before me. I am not certain how it came to be that I found you but no matter how painful the words and the tears I cry for you, I will keep on reading. Say anything. We will listen. Because everyone here is behind you in support, you lead we will follow. Jennifer in her six years made a magnificent impact, don’t doubt that. If people like me that.out of the blue started reading your story without ever meeting you or Jennifer once can feel such an overwhelming connection to you both, I would say that she shined then and still today like a beautiful star. And special stars are not forgotten. <3

  37. Libby, I wait for your blog every single day. Please repeat all your stories of JLK, good ones, sad ones, bad ones, again and again and again. I will never get tired of listening to you or reading your blogs. I am sooo sad for JLK leaving you and this earth and the least I can do is keep reminding myself of her and your loss. She is a beautiful gem that will never ever be forgotten.

    love and hugs
    Prabha

  38. Still here Libby…look for notice of your blog every day…don’t always write because it seems inadequate with what you are experiencing and sharing with us…your words reach us…they touch us… we mourn a little girl most of us never knew… but , Jennifer is alive here in your blog. You stories, your fears, your grief… touch us all…always.

  39. Like others here, I also check daily for your blogs. And although we have never met, I pray for your family and think about you often. Peace to you today.

  40. I’m here and will continue to be here.

    Please tell us more about Jennifer. I want to hear your memories over and over.

    I too am an adoptive mom. I would love to hear about the day she entered your life and became yours. I’d love to hear about her favorite color and so much more.

    We are here… for you Libby, to listen to every memory you want to share.

  41. Believe me when I say this, I will NEVER forget Jennifer. Ever. I only interacted with you both a handful of times, but your writing has made me feel like I know her (and you), and I think of you both often. There is a connection there that won’t break. I know many of us feel the same way. We are here for you. We will listen. We will support you in any way we can. We will cry with you.

    I think in time, you might start remembering more stories about her-things you might have tucked away because you were busy or distracted…I hope you do. I’ll pray for that.

  42. I have some very close friends that I have made in the years since my mom died and I have always struggled with the idea that they never knew her and never knew me as someone who lost their mother and grieves (they know she died I just felt like that fact never really resonated with them). I was totally blown away a couple weeks ago when I was spending time with one of them and the subject of my mom came up and she started to cry, expressing how often she thinks about me having lost my mother and feels for my loss. I had NO IDEA. For every fear I have of her slipping away from people’s memory I have 3 times as many surprise moments where someone mentions her, tells a story I forgot or better yet one I hadn’t heard before. After my daughter was born my godfather came over with a packet of photos he had just found of my mother and I the day she brought me home from the hospital and stories to go with them. Your life is full if people who love you an love Jennifer. All who love her don’t want her forgotten. Never think you need to apologize for telling her story. We have all signed up to hear it, over and over. And she wants to be with you, always. She will find a way to be present just when you think she is slipping away. Your bond is too great. You are facing your fears. You are surviving. Those are truly amazing things that you are doing.

  43. I am here for the long haul and Jennifer will NOT be forgotten. I also am in the race for a cure and am a strong advocate in regards to all pediatric cancers. It is past time we beat this giant.

  44. Add me to the list of those that are still here. I began following your story, almost from day 1. Jennifer has made a last impression on me. A distinct and definite impression! Like someone else said, it does feel almost like losing our own child. I would never attempt to claim that I know how you feel, but I do feel a real, raw, ache when I think of your precious girl, and even though we’ve never met, I do feel this sort of desperation at times, wanting her to return to you. I went through a drive-thru this morning, and at the window they asked if I wanted to donate to Cystic Fibrosis. Immediately my mind went straight to DIPG and how I wished they were asking me to donate to funding to cure that! (not that I am, in anyway, minimizing CF, but I think A LOT more people know what that is!) Always in my thoughts and prayers! Every. single. day.

  45. You can keep telling those same stories for years to come, your children will remember those stories and pass them along. My brother-in-law passed away 40 years ago when he was only 18. My children and my grandchildren all know the same stories about “Uncle Danny”, whom they never met. My oldest son’s middle name is Daniel after his uncle and one of grandson’s middle name is also after his uncle. Keep the memories alive. Sending you love.

  46. Libby, I am here for the long haul too and I am sure most of your “mama village” is too. I will never forget JLK, I wear the Love 4 JLK bracelet every day and have the magnet on my car as a daily reminder.

  47. As a mother, and as a pediatric cancer family, I respond to you and your words and your heart on so many levels. I hope knowing that so many people CARE brings you some strength and comfort. Beautiful, brutal, heart-breaking and heart-bonding….you share so much, and it touches me deeply. Jennifer is such a warrior princess…your blogs and photos make me smile through my tears…what a joyful little girl.

  48. Thanks for sharing ALL, especially the memories of Jennifer. I’m here for the long haul. Love that “Glitter Girl” and I never met her!!!

  49. I don’t think you should feel guilty for not remembering the “everything” in her life. We can’t, we just can’t…the reality is we have life going on, other kids, work, school, sports, bills, husbands, running a household. It’s impossible to remember and inhale every second of it. It’s ironic that you blogged about this today, it was just on Monday when I told my oldest daughter 16 and a birthday approaching and I see her and WOW….the time has just flown by…in a second there she is, a young lady. So I told her I cant believe how fast you have grown up, I feel like ever since your brother was born 11 years ago you’ve raised yourself. She said thanks mom! I said I’m sorry baby it’s all such a fog. She said it’s ok mom I don’t feel like I’ve raised myself….Thank Goodness! It’s all we can do, just do our best and have them know we love them. I truly hope you find peace soon, you have a beautiful family, and they need you today and always, in a fog or not!

  50. As long as you blog I will read.It helps me to read your feelings and sometimes things you write about Jennifer also help me to remember things about my daughter. I think my Kylie and Jennifer were a lot alike. In your previous blog you wrote about Jennifer laying her whole outfit out,thanks for that I remember now my Kylie doing the same.Of my three girls she was my little girly girl.I feel a lot of your same frustrations and worries.I could read stories all day long of your Jennifer and I could talk about my Kylie all day long.I love the last picture of Jennifer.Keep strong.Continued prayers.

  51. IS ALL I CAN SAY IS I READ YOUR BLOG AND THINK YOU ARE AMAZINGLY BRAVE…JKL…..WE SENT JENNIFER A BOX OF STUFFED ANIMALS AT CHRISTMAS…ALL THE KIDS IN MY DAUGHTER’S 4TH GRADE CLASS THOUGHT JENNIFER WAS SO COOL TO HAVE GLITTER IN HER VEINS AS A PERSONALITY TRAIT…..I THINK THEY WILL REMEMBER A GIRL LIKE THAT WAS SO VERY SPECIAL

  52. Libby so many of us r hearing reading ur blogs. Thank u for sharing ur stories about jennifer to us. I am always here praying and reading ur stories and feeling ur feelings as i read ur words. I am a mom and I cannot imagine life without my only child which is my son. A mother and a child should never have to endure this pain. I hate cancer so much ur daughter was such a brave girl I imagine right now she is cancer free and with god. Her spirit lives on in u and ye babies. Live for her Libby. And share her stories there is always someone that wants to hear them.I want to hear them. Love to u.

  53. I read your words every day and I think about Jennifer a lot. You both have changed my life…changed the way I parent, the way I look at things, big and small. You have touched me more than any other person and I haven’t even met you. I promise I will continue to read and think about her often and I will support your foundation in any way that I can. Our family has already donated to the tumor fund and we promise we will continue to fight to get the word out. God Bless you Libby.

  54. Please don’t stop writing Libby- or speaking Jennifer’s name with love & pride. What Jennifer has given towards finding a cure, & what u are doing to raise awareness about pediatric cancer is amazing & truly eternal. Sending u love always xoxo

  55. Libby,
    I have never met you but was told about your blog by a friend of a friend. It was the day Jennifer died. I started at the beginning of your journey and I haven’t stopped reading. I look every night before I go to bed, I check every morning and often through the day to see what today holds for you. I wish I had met Jennifer and had been able to know her. I can’t pretend to understand your pain but please know I am praying for you daily. I promise not to get tired of your stories, share as much or as little as you want. I am here to read and pray for as long as you will share Jennifer with us. I have a feeling that with time you will start remembering more and more. I will never get tired of reading about your precious girl, your struggle to cope and of the good work you will strive to do to save others from this fate. Much love, Rhonda

  56. I will remember her always. Thank you for sharing your sweet girl with all of us. She will never be forgotten; her story touched my soul, and a soul never forgets.

  57. Here for the long haul too. I feel like you and your family have become an indelible part of my life. I agree with Jess. I have a Jennifer shaped imprint on my soul and it’s permanent

  58. Jennifer will always be remembered. I find myself always checking to see if you’ve blogged. It helps me to remember and makes me always realize how precious life is and that anything can happen so we must always value the time we have on earth. Never stop writing.

  59. Hi Libby,
    Sometimes I get so sad reading your blogs and sometimes so sorry that your burden of having to live without Jennifer gets heavier each day. I pray for the day when you can think and speak of your daughter with joy in your heart that she is at peace in the arms of her Heavenly Father. There will probably never be an answer to why she was taken at such a young age, but I hope you will someday be able to function without her physical presence. Her spirit lives…pray for help to ease the burden of living without her physical presence. You speak in your blogs of your boys loving each other as Jennifer loved them. So much of Jennifer is still at work. Charlotte will be protected by her two older brothers, and will probably be protected by her angel sister, Jennifer. Faith can be a powerful help. Don’t give up asking for strength from above. Hugs…

  60. Libby
    I truly hope by all the responses you see the impact you are making on people. I too read your blog every day. I also find myself thinking about you and your family through out the day. Praying for you to hsve strength praying for Jonathan when he has a rough day of it. Talking to Jennifer to give you a sign.
    I love your honesty as well. Iove how well you can relate your feelings so others can try and understand this heart wrenching journey you are living. I have told you many times you have a calling from something bigger to give help to so many other people. I have faith God will guide you to exactly where you should be. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

  61. I can’t say anything that everyone above hasn’t said better already, so I’ll just agree – I’m here, too, and will NEVER forget your precious glitter girl JLK <3

  62. Libby,
    Since I know your family of origin. I would love to hear stories about Jennifer’s relationships, funny times, holidays or anything that comes to mind with aunts, uncles and cousins. Only if you feel comfortable of course. We sadly don’t know your kids but some of your family so I try to picture her in the mix… Only if you want to but I for one want to hear more!
    Love you!

  63. I cannot imagine going to bed without first reading your blog about your family and our beloved Jennifer. Please keep all of us who cherish your precious written words, a chance to make you aware of how much we do care for all of you.

  64. My name is Jennifer too…I came across your blog through Michelle with Cookies for Kids. I’m simply writing to extend a huge, long, embraced, I’ll let you cry as long as you need too, HUG! I can’t even begin to imagine your pain, your fears and the ache that no one can remove. But I offer you my prayers and love from afar, from a stranger…but we are not, because we are all apart of this world together and when I read your pain, i share it too.

    I know you’ll be amazing speaking with the women and sharing your story…redundant as the memories will be…they are yours, forever. And, so is she!

    When you think of her, she is with you!
    Blessings and condolences
    Jen

  65. Oh Libby, I think about you and Jennifer every day. Every day. I don’t comment often because I never have the words to ease your pain, but please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers….

  66. Although I did not cross paths with Jennifer many times at GPS I have come to know her through you and everything you say about her to the point that I see things or hear things and it makes me think of her. you made aware and I like you want to fight pediatric cancer. And even though I don’t personally know you and hopefully I do someday get to meet such a strong person like you, I am in this for the long run.

  67. I’m not going anywhere! As a matter of fact, I have those “awe man” moments when it’s bedtime and you havet posted a new blog yet. Time heals, people move on, they stop coming by, sending cards etc….. But there will be the ones that stick through it with you. That’s when you know she’s there. Those are your guardian angels.
    Love ya!

  68. I haven’t finished reading this entry yet but the word distracted just slapped me in the face. I thought I’d let you know just how powerfully that one word struck me. Convicted me. Ok. Now I’ll read more.

  69. I pray for you so often throughout the day. Little things that will remind me of you…of Jennifer…and it reminds me to pray for others who are suffering like you are. Thank you for your honesty. It helps me know what to pray for…for you…for others…I loved that last picture. Such a sweet smile.

  70. Just today my daughter (5) asked me if there were new pictures up of Jennifer. She asked me if I would hold her until she dies. I connect with you every day through your blog, Libby, and am so grateful for the stories you share. I will listen, over and over. And your daughter is a part of my daughter’s thoughts and prayers, too.

  71. I am not going anywhere. I will not forget your sweet Jennifer and I will never tire of reading about her. Thank you so much for letting me in and writing this blog.

  72. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your memories of Jennifer with all of us. I am sure Jennifer is making Heaven a much more sparkly place.

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