Tonight I hurt. Tonight I ache. Tonight I am sad.

Tonight she giggled and laughed with all her might. Will I forget that sound?IMG_2474

Tonight she asked why….I ask it too baby and I wish I had a answer for you.

One day I will walk into her room…the one she shares with her brother and take her things down and put them away. Or give them away? Or save them for her sister?

I am trying to make all the memories I can. Jennifer was supposed to be the one to teach Charlotte how to do her hair and paint her nails. So my 6 month old now has pink toes….Her first time getting her nails painted was by her big sister. These things I can control I grasp onto with all my might.

I want to run and hide. I want to have my husband here in this apartment with us. Just the 3.5 of us spending time together.

I wonder what does she know? What is her little mind brewing up over all of this? Does she know………………….

Tonight the tears have found me…

20 Responses to “tonight”

  1. Oh Libby…my heart aches for you. You are such an amazing mama. Sending you many, many hugs and wishing constantly that the day you wrote about never has to come.

  2. Libby what an amazing mother and wife you are … You are doing the most incredible job right now and your strength and love is who you are…
    Jennifer’s Mum xxxxxx

    I will be thinking of you all in New Zealand everyday xxx Kia Kaha (Maori 4 “BE STRONG”)

  3. My heart aches for you. You are doing such an incredible job through all this, it is truly amazing. Hope the tears are what you needed tonight. You haven’t left our prayers.

  4. Libby, my heart aches for you and your family. I have been thinking of you all so much. Cancer is so unfair. Please take lots of pictures, record her by video, her voice reading a recordable book for the other kids (and you and Tony). There are so many things that I wish I had done when my mom was going through cancer before she died.

  5. Oh. . .what you are going through is horrendous, what you are doing for your daughter is amazing and what you are doing for all of us is allowing us to help in any small way we can with our prayers, support, love, anything we can give and you are also giving all of us a reality check of all we have to be thankful for. As everyone else, I wish I could somehow make it all go away for you. The prayers are sent every day and you are in my thoughts all day long! Sending love. . .

  6. My heart is hurting for all of you. To cram a lifetime of experiences in is so hard, and so necessary. You are making memories for all of you, and under so much pressure. I’m writing to you as I look at a picture of my Phoebe. I still haven’t cleared her room. When I try, I cant see through the tears. Its been three years. I don’t care if people think I’ve waited too long. No such thing either way…Libby, I hope one day we can talk and I can offer you hope for a future, even it is not what you ever envisioned in a million years
    . Keep showing up. You’re doing so well, just to do that.

  7. My heart goes out to you. No words can remedy what your baby girl is going through….right now and for what is the inevitable. Just focus on her, be thankful for the time you’ve had and make the most of the rest. Do what you can to make her comfortable and LOVED every moment possible. We are only human and so it’s normal that every bone in our body refuses to accept that this can happen to a child. But once you can accept it, you can truly focus on her. Keep a journal (I think you already are) , record her, let her express herself, create art (it can be healing) ….these things you will forever cherish and they will help you heal after she has passed. I truly am so very sorry she has to go through this and your family is in my prayers. Be as strong as you can be but don’t beat yourself up if you cry once in a while.

  8. Be as honest or as dishonest, as open or as closed off as you want and need to be- but I would encourage you to just keep writing. Just write and write- not for anyone but yourself. For your own mental and emotional sanity. None of those dark thoughts are poisonous or dangerous until they stay trapped in our own minds. Hugs, prayers, and lots and lots of tears and anger for you.

  9. Jeez, Libby hugs to you. Every day we think of you … I wish you could all be together all the time too. The memories you are making sound wonderful. I’d love to see a picture of JLK painting those little baby toes! !

  10. Enormous prayers for your family. Thank you for sharing your daughter’s story. My family will be praying for you all. Much love to you.

  11. Libby, the night you wrote this, I actually had a dream about you. I saw you crying in a hallway and I gave you the biggest hug ever. I am heartbroken for you and wish I lived closer so I could give you a real life hug. You are an amazing woman. *hug*

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