Not even sure what I want to write tonight…but I feel a need to reach out and write something. We told the kids the plan for the week before bed. That Daddy will be going to work tomorrow, the boys will be staying here with my parents and the girls will be going to the dr, and spending the night nearby. JLK cried in Tonys arms that she didn’t want to go back. It’s hard not to cry with her in those moments. Grab her and tell her how desperately we don’t want to take her back either. But we try to just make it casual and a non-option. But it’s hard to see her scared and hurting…and not only not able to fix it but also scared and hurting for her.

I am hoping living with my parents will make all of this easier on our boys. That this is where they are living right now versus their little lives being in constant turmoil. I will miss them…and Tony. Although hoping we can get together with Daddy for a lunch or dinner at some point.

Tomorrow is when we get her port put in. I hope it doesn’t scare her because the idea of it really scares me. It’s a way of getting her meds (in her case anesthesia) into her without a IV. Hopefully it makes it easier to go to sleep and wake up since she will need less and lots less poking. When it’s activated a little needle will poke out and deactivated it will be back under her skin. I have asked a lot of questions about it but figure I will understand more when I see it. We whole heartedly trust the drs and if they say she needs it we will do it. It’s actually been freeing to truly give up control and trust in and believe in the doctors….it allows me to just be her mom and partner through all of this.

Today was hard because I missed her. We moved in with my parents and I tried to give her time with Daddy and her brothers since I will get her all week. But it’s so hard to sit here and not feel cheated out of a day with her. I love her so much…But I also really like her. She is finally getting to the age that we can laugh together. Real laughs like friends do…She really enjoys feeling “grown up” like we are having a laugh together that “little kids” wouldn’t understand.

My car is all packed I think I have everything we could need but I am nervous to head out on my own to figure all this out. I can grocery shop and attend a wedding with all 4 on my own…but this is new uncharted territory. I will do it. I will get it sorted out. And I will continue to make memories with my girl.