Tag: what would she look like

it falls to them

I woke up this morning and the ache… the hole in my heart and my life was palpable. I have cried often I have cried hard today. My boys and I painted rocks with nail polish to take to her. They seem to have a want and a need to go daily right now. And then they wanted to paint their nails.. to paint my nails. Jonathan knows just what to do.. exactly the way I used to do it with his big sister. Its been well over a year since he has seen that happen. But he remembered.. I was happy and I was devastated. That’s me. One giant walking contradiction. One giant ball of dueling emotions. So often feeling depleted of any true emotion but feeling such tenderness for my surviving 3. I feel like I cannot wait to die.. to get to be with my Jennifer again[…]

forever kindergartner

Oh how a year has changed things.. and oh how it hasn’t. Still sitting here the night before school starts in tears. Last year I had her lunch bag packed and my alarm set. Her uniform in the bathroom all ready to be worn. I had spent the last few nights sneaking into her room to lay in her bed with her.. and sneak back out as I, a then non crier would start to cry… Things had been so perfect. Everything for my perfect little family was going to change.. she would be gone for 6 hours a day… I was going to miss her so much.   Oh how I yearn for that pain again. To still have her 18 hours everyday.. Honestly what I wouldn’t give for just a hour with her everyday. I hope I remember to stay off of Facebook tomorrow.. really this whole week.[…]