Tag: traditions

is this normal

Baby Charlotte is 2. I have never had a 2 year old without a newborn on my hip.. She was supposed to stay the baby of our family.. she won’t. And we are so very grateful for this new baby we are waiting to arrive.. but wish I could have all of them here.. Its a bittersweet thing. Getting down the decorations I actually really liked seeing all the things we had hung up over the years for Jennifer. I touched them .. so many starting to break apart now and I remembered how much she enjoyed getting to wake up on the morning of her birthday to a decorated house.. how she had her own princess and Dora and pink sparkly decorations.. I liked it. I smiled remembering her and those birthday moments. We have some decorations that are hung up for all the kids. I remembered her being[…]

8 months

I used to love the Fall.. love when the seasons started to change and the weather got a little crisper.. Loved it getting dark earlier.. I hate it. I hate all of it. Its just leading to horrible days.. ones that used to be so full of joy .. that I am terrified of having to go through. A birthday without her .. Halloween without her.. thanksgiving and christmas and new years.. all without her.. and as time marches and the weather gets colder.. we hit the anniversary .. is there seriously no other word for it?!?! of her death. no. no. no. I used to love halloween. She was due on halloween.. Its not just a reminder that she is not here. For me its more with halloween. Its all the decorations. Tombstones and skeletons.. ghosts and zombies … all things to say that death is scary. …but Jennifer[…]

wave

Sometimes it feels like we are just sitting on the shore. .. feeling wave after wave of emotions hit us.. sometimes the current so strong it feels like it just might pull us out into open water. In the past few days I have felt so many emotions.. anger and fear.. heartache and despair. Tony’s birthday was on Thursday. It was a hard day for him which I expected.. for me which I also expected and for Jonathan which was unexpected. .. I didn’t know until the next day that it was also hard for Nicholas.. not until he crawled into my lap and reached for my necklace that has Jennifers picture and held it. He didn’t look up at me but simply said I miss sissy mommy. wave.. I know it impacts him. I know he hurts in his own way, but I think sometimes I forget. I think[…]