I am reaching for her. Always so desperate to try to connect to her. Its been a slow build over the past few days to the point of all consuming… My boys really wanted a party for Charlotte. So we threw something together last minute for her on Friday, a few days after her birthday. We still had our gluten free cupcakes for her actual birthday so we went outside to sing and eat them… since they crumble more than glutenful cupcakes.. We lit her candle, it blew out and as we sang it blew out again.. then it hit me. Out loud I said good job Jennifer.. and it stayed lit. .. was it really her? I choke on that hope.. That she was there. Present enough to be experiencing it with us. close enough to blow out her baby sisters candles.. right now I look out onto the[…]
nightmare
I am a living breathing nightmare. “I’m sorry you are living this nightmare” That’s the only words I have for other parents when their children die.. I can even say it when its been years and years .. I am going to venture a guess.. by the hollow I see exposed when they know that I truly know.. think its still so very true. Kids were really tired tonight so they all went to bed early. Gave Tony and I a chance to just watch some mindless tv.. or not. Modern Family.. a comedy. Little girl wearing the same Belle costume my Jennifer wore on her birthday.. the one I had bought and saved for her.. knowing it would be the perfect birthday present. The day we found out she would die. Then Criminal Minds… a character close to death.. I can’t help but tell him to go.. Tony[…]
script
My kids love going out to get the mail.. and now they love getting to open it. Today we got our memberships to Happy Hollow.. a semi local, preschool aged theme park. I excitedly opened it… pulled out the cards and rolled my eyes at one missing.. till the truth knocked me back. It wasn’t a membership card that is missing.. it’s my child. Moments like that are sometimes the worst… the ones that surprise me seem to leave the biggest scars. scars of her life..scars of my love for her. I shoved the papers back in the envelope and there they sit. Normally I would be putting them directly into my wallet to be ready… But now they are a scar.. every time I look at them I will remember that moment.. that snuck up on me.. tapped me on the shoulder… and knocked me to the ground. We[…]