Tag: connection with child in heaven

earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit.. Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale.. I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish.. Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud.. My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy. The birth of my niece. Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years[…]

her same long fingers

Her fuzzy head was nuzzled against me. It was a very rare moment for me with Bridgette. My 5th child and by far our most difficult. .. sent to us from her sister in heaven that I can imagine giggling just a little for sending us this little high needs creature. So I was so appreciative of that moment. Her sleeping next to me as the sun came up .. giving me a few extra moments to lay in bed before starting our day. … but suddenly the carpet was swept out from under me. I was pulled away by my own mind from the simple beauty of the moment. To a time 2 years ago .. snuggling another fuzzy headed baby in my bed. Baby Charlotte was just 9 months when her sister left us for heaven. The day after I was broken. Battered. Quitting. I refused to get[…]