Tag: child loss and jealousy

earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit.. Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale.. I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish.. Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud.. My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy. The birth of my niece. Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years[…]

my grief

  Control. I thrive when I feel like I am in control of my emotions. Its why I am able to speak so openly in public about our journey. .. because I know its coming. Because its on my terms. Surprise. I do not do well with the surprise grief attacks. When it comes and attacks me unexpectedly. I try to always be prepared. Never really relaxed with other people around.. Vigilant against the potential for attack. That’s not life though is it? I especially hate that the surprise hooks of grief seem to grab onto me at the worst possible times.. Surrounded by people .. when I should be anything but sad. When I should be celebrating somebody else .. It’s a piece of this whole life long journey I felt so unprepared for. The guilt and shame that seems to come with the sometimes overwhelming and dark emotions[…]