Tag: child loss 3 years

3 years… almost..

Almost 3 years. I said those words aloud to another DIPG parent last week, a Dad just starting out on their journey.. and I haven’t been able to shake it. .. 3 years. Its been almost 3 years since I last held my daughter. Since I last smoothed the hair from her face.. And whispered in ears.. Almost 3 years since I felt her slight weight in my arms… I wonder. So much I wonder if I helped her. If I said the right things to her.. I wonder if she felt safe.. if she was angry? Was she scared? were you scared baby? I don’t know how to not let the slow onslaught of questions overtake me.  I am trying. I am really trying to stay above.. but the waters are rising. . A slow and constant pounding … a steady and growing swell of grief is swirling around[…]

a mothers love..

Thanksgiving. A day meant to be full of gratitude and food and family.. But see its that last part  that really ruins all the rest of it.. Because my family is incomplete. There is a empty seat at the table..   I guess I imagined by year 3 I would be grown a thicker skin against it.. An emotional callus. But I haven’t. And somehow this year I feel so much lonelier with it. Like its not supposed to be this way and I am doing something wrong. Like I am not allowed to or supposed to miss Jennifer so much. But I do. No more. But also no less than I did the very first year. .. The thing that’s changed is the intensity of it. Because year one I was accustomed to the daily onslaught of the pain of her absence. Now. Now I get respite from it.[…]