Tag: child decline cancer

forget

November 15, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years, latest post2 years after child loss, 3 years after diagnosis, after child loss, bereaved family, burying a child, cancer treatment for a child, child death, child decline cancer, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, DIPG, helping a family after child loss, lost memories of a child, lucille packard, Lucille Packard Children's Hospital, regrets, relationship with dead child, Stanford, trying to remember a child1 Comment

I look at her picture. And I want to grab her out of it. To feel her warmth again..I just want to grab her by the shoulders.. and shoulders. .. her shoulders .. remember oh God.. please don’t let me forget.. her shoulders .. my hands could perfectly cup them. If I moved my thumbs inward I could feel that bony bump right there.. They curved in slightly.. I think . ..I think she hunched just a tiny bit. Oh my God. Is that her? Or is it Jonathan? please .. oh please. jennifer. no. no. no. its like i am losing you again. Piece by piece she was stolen. And now it happens again. As I struggle against my own brain to remember her. Its like a grainy cell phone picture.. We have tally marks on the wall for the kids heights. I walk past and will touch where[…]

the 23rd -12th-

January 12, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 1 year, hospice12th, 23 months, anniversary, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, brain tumor, changed mommy, child death, child decline cancer, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, diagnosis with dipg, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, Disney World, forever 6, guilt, make a wish, surviving child loss, tumor growth10 Comments

12th. I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week. January 12th. Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation. 1 month until THE 12th. .. ..again.. But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick.. but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life?? ..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life???? A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first[…]