Tag: butterfly

her silence..

I wonder a lot what I look like to others. You see me and talk to me and I seem relatively normal. I am not. I wonder if people think I am begin over dramatic with my writing. I am not. What I write is my truth. I don’t even understand it. I don’t understand how its getting harder and harder every day. Every free moment I get I cry right now. When I go to the bathroom I take those few minutes and I cry. Big silent tears. I know there was a article going around Facebook about tears for different reasons looked at under a microscope having different physical properties. I am not at all surprised by it.. and it helps me feel a little less crazy. Right now my tears are bigger than normal.. and heavier too. And when I cry.. they just fall.. one right after[…]

she is gone

Maybe I shouldn’t read other bereaved mom blogs. I can’t help but compare. Wonder what is wrong with me. In some ways it actually scares me..How they seem to be able to find comfort in the pain.. while I am .. Utterly. Completely. Shattered. She is gone. That was the sound track of me today. Today her class was promoted from kinder to first grade. I went with the kids. I am glad I did. But oh boy.. did it wreck me. I ¬†found myself remembering back to her first day. How nervous she was.. and sad I was. Ha “sad”.. what a fool I was to think I had a clue. Its like every definition of every word I knew changed February 12th. So when Jonathan goes it will be “sad” .. I hope I can let some of that go.. not feel like I always have to clarify[…]

sometimes

Sometimes.. this doesn’t seem fair.. or real… or possible.. or survivable. Tomorrow is Easter .. technically our second holiday since she has been gone.. but Valentines day.. 2 days after she died..I just don’t count it. Our boys had fun last night with cousins dying eggs. But it was hard also. Jonathan came home full.. as soon as I opened the door I could feel it.. . . .the charge of his emotions. Not a sad .. or angry..just ¬†intensity. We played and hugged a lot today. I watched him struggle so hard to sort out what he was going through… with no understanding of what was happening. Getting so mad at little things.. but working at keeping it in check. We were hitting balls from one room to the next and then suddenly he hit the ground with her pink strawberry shortcake bat.. he liked it.. so he did[…]