Tag: banana bread

Am I?

A year ago was the last day.. likely in my entire life I will have felt hope. Hope. I miss it. Color I miss that too. It seems I see the world always through a haze of gray. A truth in everything I see.. That my daughter is dead. …and I can’t do a damn thing about it. It was a year ago tonight we got the phone call about tumor progression. I remember what she was wearing… a blue shirt that said in sparkle letters.. girls have more fun. i hate that shirt. i love that shirt. I remember making banana muffins with her. She has asked for them specifically. It was just the two of us that made them. The boys sat at the counter and watched. We pretended we were hosting a cooking show. She smiled. She stood. How hard was that for her I wonder? How[…]

day after

My thoughts are jumbled.I am so tired.. circling the drain… Milk in the pantry cereal in the fridge kinda day. Yesterday just totally drained and exhausted me. .. .dehydrated me. I could have stayed in bed all day. But I know thats not fair to Tony or the kids. I got up and realized I hadn’t yet opened the package I got from Amazon the day before… so while trying to seem happy with the kids I did…I shouldn’t have. It was Frozen. I had pre-ordered it for Jennifer. .. and me. We were supposed to snuggle and watch it. It was going to be a great surprise for her.. I thought I had cancelled it. .Those sudden things that knock me over are hard. A friend came over today. Her boy ran and played with ours. That made me happy. Apparently Jonathan met them at the car. No hi[…]