Month: March 2016

o for outstanding

Those sudden surprise moments.. The shock of being unprepared is like jumping into the freezing cold water of grief. .. It steals your breathe and even when you start to regain it.. its stays sharp and ragged. Your heart is beating hard and fast and you look around disoriented. .. fight or flight they call it right? It happened the other night getting Jonathan’s report card. Tony was starting to talk to him about a few things and I stopped him and asked if we could talk privately later about how we wanted to approach it.. To be sure we can be on the same page.. no big deal. normal parenting.. Except.. nothing is normal parenting for us anymore. When will I learn that? He said “yes good point” .. and looked at our sweet blue eyed boy and elaborated ” That this was uncharted territory for us.. ” At[…]

cool kids table

I’m jealous. Of things I never ever would have imagined feeling jealousy over. But cancer has changed me. Losing my daughter has changed me. I see the bonds other cancer families have created through time spent wandering the halls of the hospital and I want that. When I see them getting together.. those surviving and those still fighting a feel like I am walking around the school cafeteria with a tray in my hand.. with only one table to sit at. Most of the tables filled with parents who haven’t carried a cancer diagnosis and they look away and down when I walk close.. Truth is.. even when welcomed I can’t seem to figure out how to lay my tray down and sit anyways. The table is too smooth too shiny .. I see another one and a part of me longs so desperately to sit there too.. Kids that[…]

what I would like to hear..

I had written this awhile ago.. near the holidays and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it. .. But on a whim I submitted it to The Mighty and they published it. I wanted to share here with our blog followers. .. The article..  And I also just want to say thank you. For choosing to stick with me.. and us.. I appreciate all of you more than I could possibly explain. …until there is a cure..  

down the aisle

So I had my day planned.. . I was going to practice my speech for the upcoming MNO this weekend since I haven’t done it yet .. and then maybe carve out time to blog about how often people are surprised by my smiles.. and the joy they see in my family that is ALWAYS present.. …but Facebook had another idea for me.. Tony and I have talked lately about the love/hate affair we both have with the “on this day” option. The one that you can see old memories. .. moments that you shared a year.. or more ago on that day. Today scrolling through .. luckily after all the kids were at school or napping I was seized by the grainy image on my screen. .. with a caption of bitterly ironic words “not ready for this” Oh how I miss the safety of the sadness of watching my[…]

Guest Blog – Ryley

**This is the family we are honored to support through tonights San Jose Mamas Night Out. In honor of Jennifer we strive to find a local family for each of our events that need some unrestricted financial help.. This is their story..** Ryley’s Story by Lisa Strickland Ryley is our three-year-old daughter that was diagnosed with stage for non-amplified high-risk neuroblastoma Thanksgiving Day of 2014. Her tumor extended from her adrenal gland all the way up to her neck; it was one of the biggest tumors the doctors had ever seen. The neuroblastoma had also metastasized into her bone marrow and 80% of it had invaded her marrow; she had mets in her bones, and the doctors explained to us that it was “wide-spread” and it was going to be a very long road ahead of us with a ton of treatments, which included approximately 6 rounds of chemo, surgery,[…]

HHOW – Sponsored Post

This is my first time writing a sponsored post and I wanted to go ahead and say that before I even begin to write. We chose to do it because we stand by – and we stand with the organization that we are writing about. So let me make sure I say it officially. We were asked to participate in the #EndChildhoodCancer campaign sponsored by Hyundai Hope on Wheels, although Unravel was compensated all opinions are my own. It’s interesting to me now, being part of this world, how hyper aware I am of all things cancer but especially childhood cancer related. I reflect and I wonder how many posts or little bits of information I was presented with that just flew right by me. Now I notice any and all mention of pediatric cancer in an instant. I can be in the middle of cooking dinner and changing a diaper (well[…]

her same long fingers

Her fuzzy head was nuzzled against me. It was a very rare moment for me with Bridgette. My 5th child and by far our most difficult. .. sent to us from her sister in heaven that I can imagine giggling just a little for sending us this little high needs creature. So I was so appreciative of that moment. Her sleeping next to me as the sun came up .. giving me a few extra moments to lay in bed before starting our day. … but suddenly the carpet was swept out from under me. I was pulled away by my own mind from the simple beauty of the moment. To a time 2 years ago .. snuggling another fuzzy headed baby in my bed. Baby Charlotte was just 9 months when her sister left us for heaven. The day after I was broken. Battered. Quitting. I refused to get[…]

Guest Blog – Marina

***This is a unique guest blog I am … well excited isn’t the right word.. I guess I just feel excited about sharing it with all of you. This post was written by Marina another cancer mom. She, like me, uses exercise as therapy and she has channeled that into an incredible way to honor her daughter and raise money.  Her family is also the Canadian champions for bringing our Fluttering campaign to Canada. We put kits on pre-sale for them to be sure we can get the materials ordered and shipped out in time to make our biggest campaign international. So if you know of anybody who might be interested in Canada please share this link with them..  I will share the writings on the other children she is honoring in upcoming blogs.. But for now.. meet Robyn.***  Robyn – Kilometre 1 On April, 6, 2016, the day that[…]

so i lied

I try to be honest. Especially in this new life we have been handed.. But I am finding I have to lie sometimes. To the outside world and my kids. With a smile that covers up the falling apart happening inside at that exact moment.. The surprising hard moments are often times the worst ones. The ones I am not ready for or expecting.. When the school year started. I used to walk Jonathan in every day. We would wait during assembly and watch him walk to the classroom. .. But the weather got colder and he wanted to be dropped off so we transitioned to that. Yesterday Nicholas asked if we could go in again. And Jonathan liked the idea so we did. I hope they don’t ask again. Two lines behind him I saw these kids.. The ones that are all strangers to me… but I know their[…]