Tag: graduation

my grief

  Control. I thrive when I feel like I am in control of my emotions. Its why I am able to speak so openly in public about our journey. .. because I know its coming. Because its on my terms. Surprise. I do not do well with the surprise grief attacks. When it comes and attacks me unexpectedly. I try to always be prepared. Never really relaxed with other people around.. Vigilant against the potential for attack. That’s not life though is it? I especially hate that the surprise hooks of grief seem to grab onto me at the worst possible times.. Surrounded by people .. when I should be anything but sad. When I should be celebrating somebody else .. It’s a piece of this whole life long journey I felt so unprepared for. The guilt and shame that seems to come with the sometimes overwhelming and dark emotions[…]

ultimate graduation

Its been a really full past few days. So much going on with Unravel. 2 MNO coming up and a golf tournament.. A few different interviews and our fluttering kits going on sale.. Its been easy to escape into it all.. Its been hard to escape into it all.. Will I ever not need to actively grieve? Will I ever be ok to go more than a day without crying without a crushing weight bearing down on me? I don’t know.. I really don’t. But I am starting to worry I may never. That losing my eldest child is truly so horrible I will never not have to succumb. . even just a little every day. Along with Unravel we had sickness that has kept us homebound for several days. Jonathan missed his last day of preschool because of it. That was ok though, because he seems to be battling[…]

why

Sometimes its shocking how deep the pain is. I know that sounds ridiculous. All of this journey is wildly different than I thought it would be… Yesterday we were struggling.. as a couple.. as parents… as people. Some friends must have just sensed it and taken our boys for a few hours. We needed that time together to just talk… and fight. .. and grieve together. Its hard to carve at that time as a couple and do the other things we need to get done. Then I got some alone time.. to totally dissolve. Crying so hard my knees lost the strength to hold me up anymore and I collapsed… … missing her with a physical forcefulness. Another one of those surprising things is that almost as quickly as it seems to take over.. it leaves me. Like my body cannot physically withstand an onslaught longer than 6 minutes.[…]