JLK went to school in the morning and Tony and I went to Target. I had one of those trips. All I wanted to buy was a video camera to capture her voice and her smile and her dancing and playing. We had about 20 minutes to get all the things we needed on our list. So I went to the camera section…When I got the camera and memory card I asked how long I could film, when he told me 1-1.5 hours I said I needed more storage. They didnt have any and it triggered me…but just a bit and luckily Tony walked up so I could walk away and compose myself.

He bought all of our stuff and I walked to the returns. Jennifer got a Doc McStuffins singing doll for her birthday from her friend and loves it. I liked it too since I like how it calm her fears with drs etc…Well the damn thing broke this morning. At the return desk the woman said they couldnt do the exchange without a recipt or my id and I fell apart. Just sobbing told her my daughter is sick and I NEED this toy. Poor girl..the shock on her face as she called a magager to come help her. Luckily again Tony walked up and I ran out the door.

We got to her school and scooped her up. She had a great time. It passed the time without being able to eat so much better than if she had been with us. I had grabbed her some sparkly shoes in the store and she happily out those on. She had a arm full of cards from her classmates and was proud to show me each one.

We got to Stanford right on time. In the waiting room there was a little boy who came over to see what Jennifer had in her bag. She was so gentle and kind to him. She truly is a amazing big sister and a natural caretaker. She will/would (damn this sentence is hard) be a good mother.

We love her oncologist she is so good with Jennifer. Last night while tucking her in she shared some of her concerns and frustrations. She begged and tried to bargain her way out of having to go back to the hospital today. When I told her there wasnt a choice she then said she wasnt going to talk to anybody or follow anybodys finger with her eyes…Today she still meant it, but couldnt help herself and laugh and giggle with her dr. We all think we see some slight improvement with the steroids she is taking so thats a huge uplifting thing for all of us. One thing I told her she can control is the way she takes her steroids so we got them in pill form to see if she likes it better. It was a quick painless examine and Tony took her onto the next appointment. I stayed back and asked my list of questions. They kindly and honestly answered every single one. We feel very well cared for and know our daughter is in the right and best hands.

I caught up to Tony and Jennifer drawing together. Her Doc McStuffins doll plays music so we got up and had a total dance party. I have lost all my concern for what other people around me think. If it makes her happy and she is behaving I am all about it. I made a inside promise to myself that I will continue to parent all our kids with that same attitude. Its been fun for me and JLK. She was so light hearted…like she was floating on air. Tony filmed us together and I filmed them. She loved having us to herself…Hoping a nephew can post that for me so you can hear her beautiful laugh. But when they came to get her to take her back to the prep room it was like a cloud passed over and brought her back to reality. She recently became a nail biter. But they are so bitten back now she cant do much to them. So when her nerves take over she grabs my hand and pulls at my nails. In some way it gives me relief to be able to give her some physical relief and outlet.

Her anthesiologist was amazing…I wish we could request her every time! She knew all the moves and characters that Jennifer likes and was patient and kind to us as well. When she put the mask on to put her to sleep she whispered to her all about going on a puffy cloud to see the my little ponys and named each one for her. She was treating her exactly how I would hope she would be treated by somebody I leave her with.

We waited for a few minutes and the radiologist came out to explain. They make a mask to hold her head still during radiation and take tons of measurements to be sure they get it exactly the same every time. SHe reminded us to be ready for some physical changes and went back in. JLK came rolling out a few minutes later. It went very quickly! For recovery the baby couldnt come back so I left her with Tony…*sidenote* 2nd major blowout of the day and he had to have her naked in the waiting room. They found a little gown to put on her. Jennifer waked up well from anthesia so thats nice for us.

We got to the car and realized it was a little after 6. We were all hungry and were going to hit some serious traffic. I called Fairy she was prepared for the call and told us where to go. Jennifer was so beyond happy to be getting to go to a non red robin restaurant with both of us. We finally found parking at the top of a parking structure. I feel like I am so aware of these little moments with her. First time being out to eat in the dark looking over the city on top of a parking structure…so we took a picture together.

At dinner I gave a quick toast in honor of her. She turned to Daddy and said ” thank you for always taking care of me”. It was a poignant moment and one that took both of our breathe away. What a  wise and wonderful girl she is. And she is so very correct he has always and will always take care of all of us. I hope I never forget the feeling together at that dinner. We felt alive and bonded and loved. And she smiled the whole time.

I dropped Tony off with my brother in law to get some guy time and my sister came with us for some girl time. When we arrived we found proof yet again that our village is filled with more generosity and love than I ever knew possible.

How can I be learning so much, from my 6 yr old and all of you in such a short period of time?

I avoid sleep since it means another day has passed…but its after midnight …so good night…and thanks for reading and caring.