Tag: why

dirty truth

Grinding. Heavy. Sharp. Never the words I wold have imagined myself using to describe Christmas time. Short. Sensitive. Hurting. Never the words I would have imagined my husband using to describe us this time of year. Everyday is just hard. No other way to describe it. The ache for her is palpable. The memories of our last year with her. Such a short time we knew she had cancer.. This time of year brings it all back. The family pictures we took.. . Her face swollen with steroids. . A trip to Disneyland. . Presents that barely got played with.. And now. A vast empty. How can it hurt this much? How are we supposed to survive this? I don’t want to do it all over again. But I am. We are. Day after day. Its not fair. Why my daughter? I hate this part of it. The searing and[…]

dying

Easter egg dying at my parents house…with a ton of cousins. That’s where my 2 boys are tonight.. its where my big girl should be too.. . .me too actually. I always said I wasn’t going to stay.. that I was going to drop my kids and leave… I never did though. .. .till this year. I knew I would be of no help.. just looking at the table of smiling faces missing my daughter. I am nervous for Easter. But I can’t run from holidays and gatherings for ever. . ¬†Because missing these events doesnt save me from the emotions.. it just delays them. Instead tonight I am in her room writing.. looking at the offerings from her brothers all over the room. The giant card from Jonathan’s valentines celebration at school. A batman symbol. Her doll in a high chair now with food and drink in front of[…]

answers

I woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck… weighted down and sluggish. Shoulda just stopped there.. but I didn’t..I went for a run. It was a crappy run.Oh and full disclosure since I hope to see so many of you at the 5k in May…I use the term run very loosely.. its more like a clumsy jog even on a good day! Then we loaded up to go to my nephews birthday party at Chucky E Cheese.. There was a bar next door to it.. Shoulda just gone in there.. I couldn’t handle being there. My sister had Charlotte and Tony was with the boys somewhere so I walked out and texted him that I needed to go for walk. I felt totally overwhelmed…this feeling like I wasn’t fitting properly in my own body.. like wearing a flip flop on the wrong foot. I wish I could[…]