Tag: wedding

down the aisle

So I had my day planned.. . I was going to practice my speech for the upcoming MNO this weekend since I haven’t done it yet .. and then maybe carve out time to blog about how often people are surprised by my smiles.. and the joy they see in my family that is ALWAYS present.. …but Facebook had another idea for me.. Tony and I have talked lately about the love/hate affair we both have with the “on this day” option. The one that you can see old memories. .. moments that you shared a year.. or more ago on that day. Today scrolling through .. luckily after all the kids were at school or napping I was seized by the grainy image on my screen. .. with a caption of bitterly ironic words “not ready for this” Oh how I miss the safety of the sadness of watching my[…]

me time

“Me time”. I cannot believe how much that saying has changed. For me now my me time truly consists of grieving my daughter, often in front of a computer screen. Funeral, wedding and hospital visits.. and a few great Unravel meetings have left little “me” time.. though. Last week I ended up in L&D with contractions 2-3 minutes apart. I avoided it all day.. hoping I could somehow gain control and stop them from getting closer and closer, but by 9pm it was very apparent I couldn’t. I packed a bag and called Tony home from work and we headed out. We got there unsure if they would stop labor at 34+ weeks. I told the nurses they had to since we didn’t even have a carseat yet for the baby, we really thought Charlotte was going to be our last. (Some AMAZING friends have since gotten us one!). It[…]

the heart of it

You ever look back and wonder.. wonder if on some level you knew your whole life story ahead of time? There are moments since all of this I have done that. I wrote about it here .. about the signs I had seen along the way. Now too. How I look around and Jennifer is all over our home. Not just the new things.. the things we have added since she died, but so many places before she was even sick. Much more than the other kids.. I just never noticed it. But it makes it easier for me now. I like to make memories with her in the background. Every conversation I have.. Every new memory I make she is there.. in some way I there is a visual presence of her there. And my all time favorite Christmas song. It has always made me pause. Made me stop.[…]

simple acts

I just want to write something about my post from last night I have gotten quite a few comments about it. .. All opinions expressed here are my own.. They may not fit for every bereaved parent.. but I share so that people reading can know what its like.. 2.5 months out in one mama’s head.. I know..I truly appreciate how much people want to help and comfort me… .I know that what is said is only coming from a place of goodness and wanting to help.. I write to sort it out in my own head.. and because it might help others to read my thoughts, to sort their own.. and especially because I know how scary it can be to speak with somebody in my shoes.. hopefully sharing what does and does not work for me will help ease some of those fears.. provide a little bit of a[…]

clap

Music moves me…music permeated today… this song is the theme song for the first half of today… 2 months come… and gone.. This morning was really hard for me. We drove to Monterey… to be near the ocean and eat breakfast at a little place we really enjoy. Last time we were there was about a year ago on our “baby moon” right before baby Charlotte was born. …she turned 11 months today. Next month she turns 1… I really thought Jennifer would be here for that. I honestly never expected her to not make it to May. At our breakfast spot they have live music. The guy today was amazing…I got his card..  The song choices blew my mind, I cried at the table.. a lot. The hardest I have ever cried in public. I think its hard for Tony to see me like that… openly vulnerable.. to know how[…]

longest wait

2 months ago.. I was holding her. feeling her heartbeat…hard and fast… Tomorrow 2 months ago that beautiful heart finally succumb… stopped beating. The distance between me and her life grows…every time I go to bed another day is added allowing the gap between our time together to grow…but also a day closer to reuniting with her again.. my love/hate relationship with my bed. Nights I write and I re-connect. ..I also hurt..unexplainable sorrow. my love/hate relationship with the nights. I ran this morning. Thought about running the 5k in May…thought about how it will feel to add to the Jennifer Kranz fund at Stanford…I thought about how much she would have loved to help out her doctors. How much she loved them and wanted to make them proud. Her head doc called me last weekend. Just to check in and say she was thinking of her..of us.. These doctors[…]