Tag: vacation

llama llama

Memories are all I have left.. Its what us bereaved parents cling to. but when they hit unexpectedly it can be devastating. I feel like I have been hit over and over again today, and I feel so weak. I rarely leave the house to run errands anymore. Her memory seems to haunt me everywhere I go. I actually wouldn’t mind it so much if it was just me .. I have no problem crying in public.. But it just isn’t fair for my kids. ..especially on days like today when the tears were fairly constant. Turning on the car.. I hear the song we walked her down the aisle to.. The only time we will have that privilege. Even just driving in the parking lots for the grocery stores got to me today. I still haven’t been able to go into a grocery store since she died.. Today being[…]

DC

After I wrote last time I set out to get packing.. I found our backpack and looked inside. Just a few things from our last trip, her Make A Wish to DisneyWorld and even though this wasn’t her bag it had her stuff in it. A barely touched magic marker coloring book. I had no idea what to do with it. I didn’t want to throw it away but I also have nowhere to keep it. I already have so much of her stuff saved and it wasn’t like she really colored these pages. I decided to go put it in her backpack in her room. Once I walked in I started sobbing. I just didn’t want to go without her. I had been walking all around the house trying to figure out what to bring of hers on the trip.. to have her with me. Its so hard to[…]

vacation

Vacation time… . . . something I should be so happy about and grateful for.. There are certainly parts of it I am. The people that have opened up their vacation home to us…I am grateful for generous people.. That I have 3 living and healthy (I hope…I think) children.. immensely grateful.. but also full of longing for the 1 that’s missing.. the one that will always be missing.. I write it.. but I still don’t believe it. Downloading the hundreds of pictures from this trip I noticed all the ways we carried her with us. .. . like this one with  baby Charlotte snuggled under Jennifer’s blanket.. and I think.. I cannot wait to show her.. Then I just take a deep breath..close my eyes and wait. Reality hits.. ..hits so hard I nearly fall out of my seat. Reality sucks. The night before we left for the beach[…]

5 months

****I mentioned before we had really really spotty service on our trip so I didn’t blog but took notes on my phone what I was thinking/feeling****   Our trip was lovely. Truly a escape and so wonderful to be with just the baby and my husband.. but the dark hit hard coming home. I wish I had written when I was there. I think there would have been some positive notes in it.. Like about how it went to work on the business plan for the non-profit… (it went well we had good talks and it was good time spent together) but this now will be the truth I see and feel currently.     It ain’t pretty. I am exhausted.. all the time lately. But I need to write. It will likely be very choppy. I feel like I am bursting at the seams.. so I am just going[…]