Tag: triggers

half alive

Its always so surprising.. what hits me like a sledgehammer.. Shows.. commercials…The way I compute basic information so different now.. This commercial¬†was shared through social media. And it struck me down so hard. What a simple gift to just feel the touch of your child’s hand on your face. Would she know me still? I am so changed.. What about as I age.. I will be a whole different woman when we are re-united again. How strong is our connection? Now strained beyond words..beyond what I ever thought possible and its still just the beginning.. still just 14 months out. . can we outlast this sissy? i have to.. but will you? can you? Do they graduate at some point? Do they move on and away from us left behind? So much I don’t know. So much I question and I wonder about .. that I simply cannot know. But[…]

changes everything

Death changes everything.. one thing I have really noticing rising the the surface lately though is perspective. The boys were sitting with Tony eating lunch mimicking him. That natural adoration little boys have for their Daddies.. how they watch the way they drink, eat, walk and dress and then try to do it the same way. I miss that .. so much. Having a little girl to mimic me in that same way. To learn what it means to be a girl.. a woman .. a wife from me. It will be so long so many years until Charlotte does that with me. But I am so grateful to have a living daughter. That gratitude is so purified now. So truly simplistic. And powerful. Even my reaction to jokes is so different now. There is a picture going around on social media of the cast from the tv show Friends.[…]

i love you

The only time I am not crying is when I am with other people. .. With Tony and the kids though I cannot seem to stop the tears. Everything is reminding me of her.. everything is ripping into the wound I keep waiting to start healing. right now I don’t think it ever will. right now I feel like my sorrow is so much bigger than I am . We went to the Chargers/49ers game this weekend with some friends. Tony is a Chargers fan so they thought we would like it. We were very excited. Charlotte stayed with my parents and the boys with one of my brothers families. I had forgotten until I started getting dressed in my jersey.. forgotten we had taken her to a game once. A pre-season game just like this one and a neighbor gifted us her tickets. That time Tony held her.. this[…]