Tag: tree decorating

angels

  All these things I am being forced to walk through. Nothing feels real right now.  Its like my body.. my heart.. my soul cannot accept that she is gone.. that I have to do this. These holidays.   Something in me snapped on Friday. Broke apart. And I cried off and on all day. I hate it. That cancer stole my daughter.. but also my 3 youngest babies childhoods. This shouldn’t be their memories for this time of year. But I can’t always stop it. I try .. I do try. Because I know it impacts them. I know how they are my little men and want to protect me. .. do anything to keep their mommy from hurting. Friday morning it was a cluster of hits that took me down. . Jonathan worried it was the song on the radio he had said he liked.. so he told[…]

santa and jesus.. not so far apart

Our home is decorated and Christmas season is officially here with the start of December. We decorated inside and outside this weekend. I wanted one more outdoor decoration and told the kids to look for one when they went out tree shopping with my parents. They came back knowing exactly what they wanted. A angel. Its perfect. .. well perfectly suited to us now. To remember what christmas is really all about. Love, family.. and Jesus. 2 years ago we jumped on the elf train.. those little toy elves that come for the month of December to kids homes to get to watch them be kids. Last year we put it out.. and then realized the girls and I would be leaving to go back to Palo Alto for her week of treatment. So I went out to buy a 2nd one. So she would get the fun of the[…]

the stars

Pre and post her death. Thats how time is for me now. So this is the first Thanksgiving… It knocked me over. I think I wasn’t prepared at all for it. The night before I just cried and cried. Tony came home from golfing to a heartbroken wife. Its such a hard balance for our marriage. He had a good time but walked in the door to such a dark and pain filled home. He opened his arms to me though and did his very best to try and absorb my sorrow. I was hurting so bad I honestly in that moment wished that was possible. That he could take on some of  it and give me some relief. Its impossible though.. but it did help .. to have somebody there to hold me up.. to bear witness to my destruction and be there to help me re-build. Thanksgiving was[…]