Tag: tonys birthday

wave

Sometimes it feels like we are just sitting on the shore. .. feeling wave after wave of emotions hit us.. sometimes the current so strong it feels like it just might pull us out into open water. In the past few days I have felt so many emotions.. anger and fear.. heartache and despair. Tony’s birthday was on Thursday. It was a hard day for him which I expected.. for me which I also expected and for Jonathan which was unexpected. .. I didn’t know until the next day that it was also hard for Nicholas.. not until he crawled into my lap and reached for my necklace that has Jennifers picture and held it. He didn’t look up at me but simply said I miss sissy mommy. wave.. I know it impacts him. I know he hurts in his own way, but I think sometimes I forget. I think[…]

i love you

The only time I am not crying is when I am with other people. .. With Tony and the kids though I cannot seem to stop the tears. Everything is reminding me of her.. everything is ripping into the wound I keep waiting to start healing. right now I don’t think it ever will. right now I feel like my sorrow is so much bigger than I am . We went to the Chargers/49ers game this weekend with some friends. Tony is a Chargers fan so they thought we would like it. We were very excited. Charlotte stayed with my parents and the boys with one of my brothers families. I had forgotten until I started getting dressed in my jersey.. forgotten we had taken her to a game once. A pre-season game just like this one and a neighbor gifted us her tickets. That time Tony held her.. this[…]