Tag: tee ball

cancer free

You ever go back to something you loved as a child and it looks so different? A field isn’t so wide.. a staircase isn’t so high.. a playground isn’t so big?? I had that happen today. But I hadn’t been to this play ground as a child. .. I went there when my children were so much younger. I went there a lot when Jennifer was 2 and Jonathan under a year. I was shocked at how much smaller all the equipment looked to me.. especially as her little brother scaled it in 3 seconds. I didn’t know that could happen as an adult. That my adult memory could be so changed in just a few years.. I guess time really can change things.. I wonder if thats how I will look back on her.. If she will seem smaller ..  somehow different to me in my memory than she does[…]

llama llama

Memories are all I have left.. Its what us bereaved parents cling to. but when they hit unexpectedly it can be devastating. I feel like I have been hit over and over again today, and I feel so weak. I rarely leave the house to run errands anymore. Her memory seems to haunt me everywhere I go. I actually wouldn’t mind it so much if it was just me .. I have no problem crying in public.. But it just isn’t fair for my kids. ..especially on days like today when the tears were fairly constant. Turning on the car.. I hear the song we walked her down the aisle to.. The only time we will have that privilege. Even just driving in the parking lots for the grocery stores got to me today. I still haven’t been able to go into a grocery store since she died.. Today being[…]

deserve

I am sitting down with plans to write about our fluttering awareness/fundraiser.. but I can’t.. there are some other things that are weighting me down.. S0 I will do what I do.. I will write and see where my fingers take me.. I am changed now.. I literally feel differently now since it hit me that she has cancer. Writing this post. literally changed me .  It took over 8 months for it to truly hit me.. and it has just deepened my resolve to want to do something.  Its just a terrible feeling I am struggling with right now.. I just miss her. And I want to make her death count for something and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to reach people.. how to make us/her and most importantly the facts get out there. I just want to make it so kids stop dying from this[…]

she is gone

Maybe I shouldn’t read other bereaved mom blogs. I can’t help but compare. Wonder what is wrong with me. In some ways it actually scares me..How they seem to be able to find comfort in the pain.. while I am .. Utterly. Completely. Shattered. She is gone. That was the sound track of me today. Today her class was promoted from kinder to first grade. I went with the kids. I am glad I did. But oh boy.. did it wreck me. I  found myself remembering back to her first day. How nervous she was.. and sad I was. Ha “sad”.. what a fool I was to think I had a clue. Its like every definition of every word I knew changed February 12th. So when Jonathan goes it will be “sad” .. I hope I can let some of that go.. not feel like I always have to clarify[…]

winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth. Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t want it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this .. because my daughter is dead. and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would[…]