Tag: swimming

party

I burnt myself tonight pulling a batch of gluten free cupcakes out of the oven. Cupcakes we baked for a birthday girl that is no longer here. A party that won’t just be filled with all her first grade buddies..Its not even really a birthday party .. its a thank you to all the people that have cared about us over the past year.. We are so very very grateful. I thought it was a good idea.. Now I’m not so sure. I look at the balloons I bought with my 3 littlest.. for the big sister they will eventually outgrow. She loved to decorate the things I baked . They never looked pretty but she was always so very proud .. I will do it with all 3 of her siblings tomorrow. I will give Nicholas his own tray since I know he will stick his fingers in them.[…]

I do now

I am so tired tonight.. just feeling drained and gutted.. angry.. weak.. tired. Its the mundane day to day that’s doing it to me. I miss her. More and more each and every day. How is that even possible? Every night I go to bed thinking its got to get better… this has to be the hardest. its never been. Every day is harder. And its really scary. I never understood how life could be so hard or so big that somebody would want to give up. I do now. Every single breath I take hurts. Fills my lungs with an ache.. that can never be eased. I think in 10 yrs it will be holidays and anniversaries that are so hard.. I will somehow adjust to this new life without her. But now… today.. yesterday.. and I can only assume tomorrow .. the day to day rips into me..[…]