Tag: surviving siblings

maybe the kids have it right..

Maybe Jennifer is painting the sky pink for us right now. I wish she was with us. Just here in the car right now. Im going to blow these bubbles up to heaven. Sissy can pop them. Can I sleep in here? I dreamt about Jennifer. I miss her and I am scared. Constant. My missing of her is a constant living part of me. And it is part of my kids too. Those are the comments I have heard in just the past few days. Just sudden and randomly they share,  I have them too.. I just don’t share mine. To protect them.. or whoever I am with. I keep those thoughts silent. To not let it seem like my life is overtaken by the one I can’t touch anymore. My kids though have the freedom to give those thoughts and wishes and hopes a voice. They don’t have[…]

forgiveness for mothers day

Another mothers day is coming. .. I dread it. And then I feel so much guilt over that. I still have my amazing mom and I know so many others that don’t. .I am lucky not just to still have a mom.. but to have her be MY mom and my kids Coco. I am a mother to 4 of the most incredible people you could ever hope to meet. They love me. They will want to show me they love me… in simple and often sticky ways. ..but .. the one that made me a mommy. The one that bestowed the most important title on me is missing.  I remember that first year so well. And that first Fathers day. How surreal it was after years of infertility.. 5 losses.. We finally got to celebrate. Tony and I promised each other we would always make a big deal out[…]

do over

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with  a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]

butterfly

Today was almost all family time..made a immensely helpful phone call on the way home with a woman a long ago friend connected me with.. its amazing what just asking for help can turn up.. Since it was Tony’s last day off of work with the modified schedule, I told him to decide what sounded like fun. He said the San Francisco zoo.. we didn’t get to see the whole thing last time. It was a great choice. It gave us time to be away.. with cooler weather and do some forced nap time for the kiddos. I took Jennifer to the Oakland zoo once when I was pregnant with Jonathan. . so I feel a tinge of guilt over never taking her to this zoo.. Walking out I noticed a sign about donors.. I have never really looked at those kinds of things before. .. and I thought  […]