Tag: stages of grief

I am

I am out of control. Watching Jennifer struggle. Witnessing her slow and painful death.. I learned I have no control… And now.. I constantly feel like I am being battered by wave after wave of emotions. I wish I could control my mind better… I wish I could control the triggers.. know when they are coming. ..But mostly I wish I could contain them better like I used to.. It seems like its getting worse now in that aspect. That when I used to carve out time daily to write I could control the anguish better and keep it locked up until I was ready to take it out and examine it behind this keyboard.. But it seems along with the growth I have talked about recently is this new thing. .. my loss of control over the triggers.. And the way I am reacting to them. I have found[…]

the loudest noise

Its the little things.. the silly, seemingly insignificant things that can rock you to your core. It’s not just like that with child loss though .. I think its like that with everything. The things you take most for granted are the things you miss most when they are gone. Her name. Jennifer. I have written often about how it matters. How I like to hear people say it. To know they are breathing life back into her by using her name.. But I think I forgot about me. I use it. I talk about her. Often. But another bereaved mama friend posted something the other day that made me realize what a huge piece is missing. .. Her name. Jennifer. Talking to her. Saying her name to her. My friend posted that she walked around her home calling Liam. .. just over and over again calling his name. She[…]