Tag: sisters

birthdays

I had a post in my head ..about 5ks and butterflies… but that will have to come another time.. this is all that is on my mind since this morning. I got on FB and saw my friends post about it being her daughters birthday.. in heaven. I used to feel for other people. I used to be emphatic. .. I feel like I have lost that quality.. but today it comes .. that emotion flooding back. The gut wrenching sorrow I feel for our friends.. the struggle to find the words to convey how much I hurt for them. So I did what I want others to do for me. I reached out, risked saying the wrong thing. And most importantly I put the date in my phone. So I never forget. So every year til the day I die.. whether the friendship remains or not.. I will write[…]

worth it

midnight I don’t often put music on when I write but tonight I did… this is playing… now officially mothers day. I wanted to avoid this moment. now I want to avoid sleep. I don’t want to wake up without her. When I pulled out the next size up of girl clothes there was one pair of jammies. .one that was really so Jennifer. I haven’t put Charlotte in them. But tonight after her bath …her bath that didnt wash away the glitter from last night that transferred from me to her… I was drawn to them. I wanted to have Charlotte wearing them in the morning.. waking me .. my 2 girls together.. the only way I can have them both. ever ever again   I grabbed them.. pulled them into my face and breathed them in.. instinctively hoping for the scent of her. Something I have lost.. The smell[…]

next day

The next day.. Other parents at our bereavement said the Monday after camp is hard… I thought we would slide past that since we are still fully immersed in child loss … no breaks. This weekend wasn’t a rare chance to talk about her death for us.. we still get to do that a lot.. It was in a whole unique way though.. with people who simply got it. With people who we simply got. .. and what we found out… it rocked us. Today was a sad, sad sissy day.. For me and Tony and Jonathan… maybe even Nicholas too… but its so hard to read him. There was a lot of tantruming and acting out from him today.. could be that he is 2… or it could be that he missed her today too..  or it threw him sensing all of our pain. or it could be something[…]